Ken Day Come-Ons: The Squelching

[dimming lights]

[queuing up sexy saxophone music]

[adjusting Speedo]

Hey, Bebeh.

How YOU doin'?

Today is Ken Day, bebeh doll, and that means I'm here to make all your sexy, sexy dreams come true.

 Except maybe that one.  

(Never again, Cancun.  NEVER AGAIN.)

That's right, my sprinkle-coated sugar dumpling, I am about to rock your world ... by dealing you a hand of Blackjack:

Or, wait... this is a hot tub? Oh. Ok. EVEN BETTER. Mrowr.

Now, slide that sweet little personality of yours over here, and have an enormous glass of ketchup:

 I warmed up this side of the concrete slab just for you. [eyebrow waggle]

What's wrong, my tangy berry sweet tart? Is the concrete not to your liking? 

Perhaps you'd prefer some Satin Ice* sheets?

I don't lounge this casually for just anyone, you know. Mostly because I lack articulated elbows.

(*That one's for you, decorators.)

These boxers are really confining, though, my scrumptious fondant-wrapped cheesecake bite.

Here, let me slip into something a little more comfortable:

You can't see it, but I'm totally flexing for you right now. Unnng.

 

Ahh, I can tell by your dismayed expression that you're thinking EXACTLY what I'm thinking, my honey-drenched pudding pop: this DOES cover up too many of my "finer assets." [wink] Well, don't you worry. I can fix that.

[grunting]

[squelching noises]

 

Ok, my candy-coated cake pop! Prepare to meet ... THE LOINCLOTH OF LOVE:

Take me away, officer; I surrender to YOUR SEXINESS. 

Oh, and I should warn you: objects in the rear view are much hotter than they appear.

 [jiggle jiggle]

Thanks to Sara O., Sanne V., Mary Ann B., Frank M., Laura S., Renee D., & Lauri M. for helping me retroactively ruin a lot of people's childhoods.

*****

A few years ago, after John and I first published this post, we received an e-mail from readers Charity and Royce. That e-mail contained an audio file. An audio file that, once played, would change our lives forever.

Or at least make us laugh like hyenas for a good five minutes.

So today, for your wrecking pleasure, we present that audio, combined with our original visuals. Turn up the volume, and ENJOY.

Note from john (thoJ): When I was making this video, I pitched down Royce's voice just a bit for sexiness. When I showed Jen, she asked if I could pitch it way UP. The result is, if possible, even more hysterical.

So I present to you... The chipmunk version!

*****

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Peek-A-WHO?!

Sometimes when I'm bemoaning the fact that most cakes today are just plastic flotsam delivery vehicles...

 

Here's your cake, enjoy! Just don't try to eat that thing. Or that one. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. 

...Or that.

...I remember there's a REASON bakers rely so heavily on flotsam and toys:

Nemo? More like Ne-NO, am I right? 

[Ba-dum-CHA!]

I... I think this is supposed to be Spider-Man:

Hold me.

Now, see, this would have been perfect if the customer had actually ASKED for a zombie-fied Spongebob:

As it is, I'm pretty sure little Levi needs therapy now.

This Darth Vader cookie is so ridiculously pathetic that I actually kind of love it:

  (At least, I hope it's Vader. If not, then I'm never getting those thirty seconds of squinting back. Never EVER, you guys.)

Seriously, it's so bad I want to hug it. 

And I like how the baker just gave up on the other cookie cakes, like she was all, "YOU GET VADER OR YOU GET NOTHING."

And finally, let's end with a little mystery:

WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?

 

Please, you guys, I have to know.

It says "Where Kermet," so of course my first thought was Kermit the Frog. But it's blonde and has four eyes with a giant red clown nose. Or is the red thing its mouth? And why "Where Kermet?" Where Kermet what? Where he stores his wigs? Where he met his untimely demise? 

I went back to Holly J.'s original e-mail, seeking answers, and was delighted to find she'd included a few more angles of the mystery:

....

Well, THAT clears things ups, doesn't it? 0.o

 Hang on. Holly says she thinks this is... MISS PIGGY!? Really? I mean, I guess she must be right, but... How. HOW. How is this possible?

I will not rest until I have answers!

Or until I get tired. Or John gets back with our burritos.

But otherwise, TOTALLY NOT RESTING.

 

Thanks to Sabrina, Kristen O., Sean K., Patrice D., Tori S., & Holly J. for pointing out today's character flaws. We know it's only because you care, guys.

*****

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