Ken Day Come-Ons: The Squelching
March 13, 2017 [dimming lights]
[queuing up sexy saxophone music]
[adjusting Speedo]
Hey, Bebeh.
;)
Today is Ken Day, bebeh doll, and that means I'm here to make all your sexy, sexy dreams come true.
;)
Except maybe that one.
(Never again, Cancun. NEVER AGAIN.)
That's right, my sprinkle-coated sugar dumpling, I am about to rock your world ... by dealing you a hand of Blackjack:
;)
Or, wait... this is a hot tub? Oh. Ok. EVEN BETTER. Mrowr.
Now, slide that sweet little personality of yours over here, and have an enormous glass of ketchup:
;)
I warmed up this side of the concrete slab just for you. [eyebrow waggle]
What's wrong, my tangy berry sweet tart? Is the concrete not to your liking?
Perhaps you'd prefer some Satin Ice* sheets?
;)
I don't lounge this casually for just anyone, you know. Mostly because I lack articulated elbows.
(*That one's for you, decorators.)
These boxers are really confining, though, my scrumptious fondant-wrapped cheesecake bite.
Here, let me slip into something a little more comfortable:
;)
Ahh, I can tell by your dismayed expression that you're thinking EXACTLY what I'm thinking, my honey-drenched pudding pop: this DOES cover up too many of my "finer assets." [wink] Well, don't you worry. I can fix that.
[grunting]
[squelching noises]
Ok, my candy-coated cake pop! Prepare to meet ... THE LOINCLOTH OF LOVE:
;)
Take me away, officer; I surrender to YOUR SEXINESS.
Oh, and I should warn you: objects in the rear view are much hotter than they appear.
;)
[jiggle jiggle]
Thanks to Sara O., Sanne V., Mary Ann B., Frank M., Laura S., Renee D., & Lauri M. for helping me retroactively ruin a lot of people's childhoods.
*****
A few years ago, after John and I first published this post, we received an e-mail from readers Charity and Royce. That e-mail contained an audio file. An audio file that, once played, would change our lives forever.
Or at least make us laugh like hyenas for a good five minutes.
So today, for your wrecking pleasure, we present that audio, combined with our original visuals. Turn up the volume, and ENJOY.
Note from john (thoJ): When I was making this video, I pitched down Royce's voice just a bit for sexiness. When I showed Jen, she asked if I could pitch it way UP. The result is, if possible, even more hysterical.
So I present to you... The chipmunk version!
*****
Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.
Reader Comments (35)
You guys are sick and twisted, and that is why we love you. XD
This is the reason why ROTLMAO, and LOLOLOLOL were invented.
This was just as ... disturbing, funny, ickworthy, and gag inducing as the first time. Loved it!
But... why is Ken's head in the first cake look like it came from a different body?
As the Great Nor'easter/Blizzard/Ice Storm/Weather Event of 2017 bears down on my little town and I await my imminent demise, It brings comfort to know that I will be able to listen to Chipmunk Ken as I slowly freeze to death. Thank you for bringing such joy during this difficult time.
P.S. I might listen to Barry White Ken if it takes long enough for me to turn to ice.
Please tell me I'm not the only one who reads this post in Stephen Fry's voice. I mean, c'mon, "honey-drenched pudding pop" is a phrase practically made to come out of that sexy, sexy man's mouth.
This never fails to crack me up! Most funny in the original order - read the post, listen to the deep voice, listen to the chipmunk voice. Hahahahahaha(cough,cough)haha!
I had my first-ever panic attack last night, and am still recovering from it. This was the best. Medicine. Ever! Thank you for reposting!
Loin cloth of love.... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
@Maureen S.: I don't know, but it does look odd. Maybe he was trying on different heads for a Halloween party, and grabbed a Spock?
I want to know where that greasy guy found strawberries that are as big as his freaking HEAD. Maybe he was trying to make up for his shortcomings...Oops, I meant "shortcake"....And, the hot tub guy? Don't trust him. I think he's only out to rubber ducky....
=^~.-^=
I like 1, 3, 4, and 5 the best. The others, not so much.
I'd happily lick icing off Ken!
hahahahahahaha! I loved this post the first time, and I'm so glad you've reposted it, with the audio again... My life is complete today.
Reading this at work today. Thank goodness I am getting over a bad cold. My giggles, snickers and outright guffaws are covered up by coughing and sniffling.
You guys ain't right! And I love that about you!
Is it wrong that I'm imagining that john (thoJ) sounds just like the "Barry White" one? *eyebrow waggle*
Is it wrong with the that throughout this post I pictured "saxophone guy" from dragoncon playing careless whisper over and over again?
@SuBee...I too am awaiting the arrival of Blizzard Eugene, which is primed to dump 16 - 25" or more of snow on my area with 50 MPG wind gusts. So, yes, I too will be listening to Chipmunk Ken. Thank you Jen for giving us a howl this morning and every morning. STAY SAFE AND WARM MY FRIEND SUBEE.
P.S. No offense to anyone named or knows anyone named Eugene.. But seriously? What kind of monster blizzard name is Eugene? AMIRIGHT? Go ahead let the bashing of Cookiemama begin for maligning the name Eugene. I would have chosen Pierpont or Thurston myself....(snerk lol).
@Cookiemama: They name blizzards now? Nice to know that there are Walking Dead fans in the National Weather Service. If they ever announce "Hurricane Michonne" or "Tropical Storm Negan," we're all doomed.
OMG. I cannot stop ROTFLMAO. One of the best EVAH! How did you guys know I've always had a fantasy about Darth Vader seducing me? My life is complete!
MaryO1230
The second one from the top- what is that around his neck? And why is he wearing a skirt? Yikes!
Turn on the closed captioning and watch! Autocorrect at it's weirdness!
Im going to bed now. Dreams, ahhhhh. Except, maybe, THAT ONE^
LOL
Oh God, the higher pitched version of the video sounds like it's being voiced by Foamy the Squirrel.
In that first picture, is he laying on his dog?! Crazy stuff ya'll!
Sorry, those cakes are kind of terrifying. Particularly if those are really store made (not questioning that they are, but even I can frost more evenly and I'm more of a cheesecake baker than cake cake).
@Subee - hopefully you're not in the mountains...the whole blizzard warning and ever increasing snow totals are getting nuts. Good luck to you. Same to @Cookiemama...your snow totals are about what mine are right now. Hoping it doesn't go higher and that the snowblower will work tomorrow and wednesday.
So ya know when, as a single lady, you get all gussied up with your girlfriends for a night out on the town anticipating a Barry White Ken talking to you and instead you get the Chipmunk Ken hittin on you all night......no? Well at least its a great laugh either way!
"my scrumptious fondant-wrapped cheesecake bite" Is it wrong that I want a man who not only call me this, but, bring them to me by the dozen?
Oh my gosh, I LOST it watching the chipmunk version!! Still wiping tears of laughter...
Hot-tub Ken seems to be creating his own bubbles - too many burgers the night before? And in an act of solidarity, the cute rubber ducky seems to be doing the same thing.
Nope, nope, nope, nope. Poor Ken - always the butt of some joke.
Drat, my brother's name is Ken, how did I not know about this day? THE MOCKING WILL NEVER STOP!!!!!
Ok now having survived the massive coughing fit those videos inspired I am still laughing hysterically. No fit will stop me lol gosh how I love this blog :D
The original post inspired a stripper Ron Weasley cake I made for a great friend's bachelorette party!
To be honest....some of those cakes aren't even remotely as bad as some of the other cakes i've seen on this site.
The video is awesome! Thank you! :D
The videos, the VIDEOS! The Chipmunks... my little Chihuahua heard this and jumped up onto my office chair ... cocking her head back and forth, then barking maniacally! LOLOLOL
I've been traveling and I'm going backwards to see all the wrecks I missed, and this one, um, er, TAKES THE CAKE! :-D
Thanks!! You guys rock!
Beth