Completely Inappropriate First Birthday Cakes

I'm pretty sure most one-year-olds will never remember their first birthday cakes, which is why I'm here to provide an invaluable service: reminding little E.J. that her (yes, her) parents got her this:

Any guesses on what EJ will be getting for her 12th birthday?

Correct me if I'm wrong, parents, but I think age one is a little young for boys to be discovering their bananas, IF you know what I mean.

And if you don't, just look at this:

Don't worry, George, all monkeys get curious eventually.

Things I'm Pretty Sure One-Year-Olds Like:
- Cheerful colors
- Cute animals
- Putting things in their mouths
- Pooping

Thing I'm Pretty Sure One-Year-Olds Do NOT Like:
- Guys with guns
- Who are shooting cute animals

This next one isn't a first birthday cake; it's a christening cake. So little John was, what? A couple of days old maybe? Right. SOMEONE GET THAT KID A GUINNESS.

Honestly I don't know what all is happening here, or what in that mess is considered edible. And I think I spied a tiny plastic poodle in a Santa hat in front of that tree stump with a face before my brain broke.

(ACTUAL CONVERSATION I JUST HAD WITH JOHN:

John: [seeing cake] "What is THAT? Hahaha! He must be Irish, huh?"
Me: "What?! That is a terrible stereotype! How dare you!"
John: "There's a pot of gold and a shamrock."
Me: [looking] "Oh. Right. Ok, maybe they're Irish.")

"But you look good for your age, Levi. Really. And hey, one is the new six months! I read it in Vogue!"

Something here just doesn't add up.

And finally...

Please let his last name be Johnson. Please let his last name be Johnson. PleaselethislastnamebeJohnson.

Thanks to Anita T., Amy N., Jill B., Amber, D'arcy, Vinny A., & Melissa M. for the memorable first impressions.

*****

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With Apologies To Julie Andrews

♫ Bulbous-nosed witches who probably eat kittens

Messages piped out that should be rewritten

(Supposed to read "Congratulations Wojtek From Thunder Road")

Cakes decorated with smeared silly string

Bakers make some of the wreckiest things!

Is that a tongue sticking out of that poodle?

 Were they attempting to make ersatz noodles?

"Congradulations" with Doritos rings

Bakers make some of the wreckiest things!

Plumber's jeans that don't quite cover their "assets"

Creepy-faced smiley with too-thick eyelashes

Harry and Gollum and wands holding rings

 Bakers make some of the wreckiest things!

Though these dogs might

Be all frosting

 Though these cakes are bad!

I simply remember these wreckiest things

And then I just can't

Feel sad! ♪

 BIG thanks to Katie G., Victoria L., J.R., Vanessa M., Lisa H., Pete Z., Andrea G., Darla H., Becca T., Rachel L., and J.C.  You know you're my favorites, right?

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.