This Is Why You Always Knock
December 20, 2011 Remember that time when you were six and you accidentally opened the bathroom door without knocking first and then you saw your grandmother naked and there was lots of screaming and then you whimpered yourself to sleep for the next few weeks?
This is kind of like that.
;)
Now I know what you're thinking: "That looks a little like 'Merry Ghristmas.'"
You're right, and we've trained you well.
However.
There are a few other things worth noting:
Like the empty bottle of XXX booze.
Or the little sack of "toys."
Or Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or Rudolph splayed drunkenly across the bed with a towel covering his twigs and berries. His bells and clapper. His partridge in a pear tree? His one horse open sleigh. His...ok, you get the idea.
Or - in case you missed it - Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or the fact that Rudolph CLEARLY had a cigarette in his mouth that has since been removed.
Now, originally John and I tried to write some dialogue for this scene, but then the word "coitus" came up and I knew we just couldn't do it, so to speak. So I leave it to you, my sweet, snarky wrecktators: Write us your best caption for this scene and we'll send our top three favorites a signed copy of Wreck The Halls for Christmas. Good luck, and do try to keep it "clean." ;)
Thanks to Lisa D., who will never be able to look my grandmother Santa in the eye again.
Update! After reading through more than 500 comments, I am now thoroughly uncomfortable. And I think I need a shower. Here are the winners:
"And that was when Santa realized that he should probably stop taking his work home with him."
-elliespen
"Santa's 2012 presidential hopes dashed as secret 'reindeer games' are uncovered. 'It was all consensual,' claims Santa."
-Missy
"Um, Santa? I fly everywhere. So I'm thinking this hoof rubbing is more for your enjoyment than mine?"
-Donia
Congrats to our winners and thanks for playing!
Reader Comments (525)
After one too many eggnogs at the Christmas party, Santa took Vixen's doe eyed look WAY out of context, and things quickly got out of hand!
Santa: "Between you and me kid, Your my favorite to play around with. We just tell everyone it is because of your nose but we know better" WINK WINK
Don't know if anyone mentioned it above...
1. Only female raindeer have antlers in winter
2. Despite this, Rudolph is always a "he"
Now tell me those two facts don't just add a whole new spice to that cake's squick factor.
"why can't I quit you?"
Rudolph didn't need "Reindeer Games" when he had Santas sack of Toys to pass the long winter nights.
And now I need a shower!
And now we know that it was Rudolph's drunken ways that gave him that red nose. No wonder he wasn't allowed to play any reindeer games. But, alas, Santa loved him anyway.
Dear Penthouse Forum...
Santa joins in for some reindeer games.
Oh deer.
People are saying Santa has six fingers?! Does that mean Santa killed Papa Montoya and should prepare to die?!
Mindy's comment about the candy cane made me lol in a really grossed out/didn't want to go there but still funny kind of way. :P
"So... Happy, my deer ? " ;p
Wow Rudolph. Your legs are smoother than Mrs. Clause's
Reindeer Wrecks
"When Professional Reindeer Go Horribly, HIlariously Wrong"
OR....
Why Rudolph Has A Red Nose
OR...
Twas The Night Before Christmas
OR...
Ho Ho Ho
Do you have protection against hoof-and-mouth disease?
As he pulled the plug at the bottom of its hoof, Santa finally knew it was time to talk to Mrs. Claus. These Ghristmas gag gifts were getting out of hand. The blow-up reindeer was the last straw. Years of Rankin-Bass specials proved there was no way of knowing when children, prospectors or bumbles might come bouncing into his castle at the North Pole, and how would he explain this then?
Christmas only comes but once per year...
But Ghristmas, Santa and the Reindeers' private holiday, tended to happen most weekends.
A rudy-toot-toot and a rummy-tum-tums.
I don't care if Rudolph's hooves are cloven, there is no way this is Kosher!
After Rudolph saw mommy kissing Santa Claus, he had enough blackmail material to sit pretty for 364 days of the year
Singing.."I kissed a deer and I liked it. The taste
Of her fuzzy deer lips"
Santa: "Look Rudolph, Grandma's going to be ok. I found you just in the nick of time"
Rudolph: "That old bag just came outta nowhere! One second the road was clear, the next BAM!"
Santa: "Rudi! Snap outta it! The booze and cigarettes aren't going to help! Lemme rub your hooves to relax you and help you calm down. We have a lot of ground to cover tonight and I need you sober and clear headed!"
Rudolph: *sighs* "Ok, Santa...thanks for being there. I'll be ok...just keep rubbing."
And now I shall go look at some less disturbing cakes...LOL =)
Santa's hearing loss was starting to become a problem. Because what Mrs. Claus had actually said was, "Honey, could you go rummage around for some *beer* nuts?"
"Unholy Night!"
"I think we know whose on the naughty list." *eyebrows*
Santa told me I needed to go to rehab and I said no no no!
Rudolph--I wish I knew how to quit you.
ok, maybe not directly relating, but ...
Oh, the still of the night, someone's found the barrel
Drink moonshine in flight, 'cuz it's cold as hell
Oh, the still of the night while the world lies in slumber
in the times without number when I say again
Damn IR cameras and laser pens
Little hoodlums set up pigeon spikes again
Next Christmas prospects fast fading from sight
Like the shine from the jug, oh, wait, on the hill
Another still, still in the night
--apologies to Sinatra
Looks like Santa's been to the red nose district.
I guess we have some more additions to the "naughty" list this year. Brings new meaning to
"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN!"
I know you wanted this love-child, but it just wasn't a possibility. The good news is you can have more fawns when the time is right. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.
“Santa took advantage of the office Christmas party, and after a night of Reindeer games, discovered that Rudolf’s nose wasn’t the only thing that glowed red.”
This year Rudolf got more than a candy cane for xmas.
Afterward, Santa says to himself, "Now where is that little elf that wants to be a dentist?"
Oh, this whole thread is so wrong... I love it!
1.) Santa... why did you nickname me "Roofie"?
2.) Rudolph, it turns out all your limbs are bent in the wrong direction. and since you drank all the bourbon, well that's 5 reasons to shoot you. sorry.
3.) "iiii saw rudolph kissing saaaaanta clause..."
4.) my dear mrs clause, you take role playing way too far, and--hey! did you drink all the bourbon??
Rufie the Red Nosed Reindeer...
Tiny Tots with their Eyes all aglow -- will find it HARD TO SLEEP TONIGHT!!
You can really hoof it Rudolph!
"All Christmas Stories now come with a Happy Ending."
Santa and Rudolph supported themselves in the off-season by doing "art" films...
....and then there was the fact Rudolph had an excellent hoooo, hooooo, hoooo face ....
Looks like Rudolph's contract is up again. He's already added hoof-rubs, booze, a bed, and an extra sack of toys to his demands. Santa really doesn't want to know what additional demand he'll be adding to his contract this year to re-sign him...
So THAT'S what they mean by "Stag Party."
The day Mrs. Claus realised she was just Santa's beard.........
"Let's see, I was on Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen - now what's this one's name again?"
"I kissed a 'deer, and I liked it."
Santa got hungover with a reindeer
"We wish you a Merry Coitus and a Humpy New Year!
Oh Rudy. I told you about trying to keep up with those young bucks at the All Does All Day club.
I know Jen wants us to keep it clean, but this cake made Santa a bestiality date-rapist. I use date rape cuz he got Rudolph drunk. And I won't touch the bag of "toys". Seriously. Who has the number of a good therapist? I need my mommy!!!
Epic Rule 34. Or the prelude to it..lol.
Ho Ho Ho and where not talking about Christmas anymore! :)
Because they never let poor Rudolph join in any Reindeer games.
it's ok rudolph, we all get our hearts broken at some point in our lives, doesn't mean you have to go get drunk and ruin christmas.