This Is Why You Always Knock
December 20, 2011 Remember that time when you were six and you accidentally opened the bathroom door without knocking first and then you saw your grandmother naked and there was lots of screaming and then you whimpered yourself to sleep for the next few weeks?
This is kind of like that.
;)
Now I know what you're thinking: "That looks a little like 'Merry Ghristmas.'"
You're right, and we've trained you well.
However.
There are a few other things worth noting:
Like the empty bottle of XXX booze.
Or the little sack of "toys."
Or Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or Rudolph splayed drunkenly across the bed with a towel covering his twigs and berries. His bells and clapper. His partridge in a pear tree? His one horse open sleigh. His...ok, you get the idea.
Or - in case you missed it - Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or the fact that Rudolph CLEARLY had a cigarette in his mouth that has since been removed.
Now, originally John and I tried to write some dialogue for this scene, but then the word "coitus" came up and I knew we just couldn't do it, so to speak. So I leave it to you, my sweet, snarky wrecktators: Write us your best caption for this scene and we'll send our top three favorites a signed copy of Wreck The Halls for Christmas. Good luck, and do try to keep it "clean." ;)
Thanks to Lisa D., who will never be able to look my grandmother Santa in the eye again.
Update! After reading through more than 500 comments, I am now thoroughly uncomfortable. And I think I need a shower. Here are the winners:
"And that was when Santa realized that he should probably stop taking his work home with him."
-elliespen
"Santa's 2012 presidential hopes dashed as secret 'reindeer games' are uncovered. 'It was all consensual,' claims Santa."
-Missy
"Um, Santa? I fly everywhere. So I'm thinking this hoof rubbing is more for your enjoyment than mine?"
-Donia
Congrats to our winners and thanks for playing!
Reader Comments (525)
Rudolph "Well maybe just a half a drink more "
Santa "Put some music on while I pour"
Rudolph "The neighbors might think"
Santa "Baby, it's bad out there"
Rudolph "Say, what's in this drink?" - Hopefully Santa didn't slip this reindeer a "roof"ie
"After a long night's work, Rudolph figured he had earned a hoof massage... and a happy holiday."
It was on nights like this that Mrs. Claus wished she had listened to her mother's advice to marry that nice Jack Frost boy next door.
Rodolph, next year a certain coach is on the Naughty List!
That cake is from the devil.
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And when he drank his moonshine, you would even say it glows.
Let's see Donder doTHAT!
Santa tried basic reflexology in an effort to engage Rudolph's bioluminescent nose but as he listened to Rudolph's slurred confessions, he soon realized it would take more to heal a mind muddled by esteem issues and a dependency on 'Xmas Cheer'.
I'm not sure if your request for "clean" should have been met with "a disturbing suggestion of substance abuse by a beloved character" but this wreck was headed somewhere dark no matter what...
There, there...Rudy....that is the last time we'll end our night in Tijuana.
Ho, ho, ho, santa has three favorite reindeer. rudolph is one of them. please don't tell mrs. claus
(Sigh) Sorry to do this to ya, Rudolph, old pal, but maybe this ankle bracelet will help curb your partying ways.
Every year the reindeer union increased its demands for pre-flight perks.
This explains way none of the other reindeer wanted to play games with rudolph. but i guess santa liked this sort of game.
"So then the Mrs. says, 'Sure he leads your sleigh all 'round the world on Christmas Eve, but who keeps your fire burning the other 364 days?' And...well, I just didn't have the nerve to tell her."
What happens at the North Pole, stays at the North Pole.
When Christmas Eve is over, everyone gets excited because it's Christmas morning! Therefore, Christmas Eve is a Happy Ending.
Looks like Santa came early!
"The cake is a lie"!
Rudolph knew that, in the morning, Santa would regret the night of drinking. But for now, she could enjoy having his undivided attention.
Now we know what was on Rudolph's Christmas list.
"Rudolph, get a hold of yourself. I can make this whole Grandma thing go away, but you need to listen to me."
"Just leave 20 jingle bells on the dresser, Santa."
Said Santa to a girl child "What would you like most to get?"
"I want a little baby doll that can cry, scream and wet"
And away went Rudolph a whizzing like a Saber jet!
Man, that Run Rudolph song by Chuck Berry has some disturbing lyrics.
Aside from that...
"Rudolph! Why, you glow so bright I have to throw a towel over it!" ...wait, what?
It's probably been done, but I can't sift though the 463 comments:
Christmas came early this year.
Here's a caption from the chief baker: WHATTHEHELLISTHISYOUSTUPIDMORON?? This is... CAKE???? Listen, I think your "talents" are needed elsewhere. Like, elsewhere right now.
Also, my brain just imploded again. Neurosurgeons either love or hate me.
Rudolph vowed to never visit the Island of Misfit Toys ever again.
At least Rudolf gets a foot rub after it!
"Rudie, It's Cold Outside"
Whoa! What was in that last glass of milk we drank?
Simple is best...."Merry Christmas to all, and to ALL a good night!!!!"
"Santa baby, now hurry down my chimney tonight!"
What happens in the North pole stays in the North Pole.
brings a whole new meaning to the term 'reindeer games'
This reindeer game is called "Take Off".
'Twas the night after Christmas
And at the North Pole
Not a helper was stirring
Last night took its toll
The moonshine was gone
From the cab'net o'er there
Santa hoped that ole Rudolph
Would be nice and share
Mrs. Claus was passed out
All snug in her bed
While visions of liquor
Danced through Santa's head
And 'Dolph in his skivvies
And 'Nick jonesin' hard
Found one another
In the boudoir 'cross the yard
And up sprang his "sleigh"
As Rudolph sang with delight
"Slide on in here, big boy,
Say... you got a light?"
"After a bottle of wine and the promise of a foot rub, Mrs. Claus agreed to wear the reindeer suit without asking questions"
OR
"No dream is ever just a dream" - a quote from Eyes Wide Shut seemed appropriate (wow, I've never said that before, and I hope I never do again)
Santa: "HO HO Doe"
Alternately
Santa: "That's *lovely* deer"
What happens at the North Pole, stays at the North Pole.
"That was a lot better than what I first thought when you said you liked to eat Venison, Santa."
up on the hoof pop, lick lick lick.....
Thanks Santa, I hate being alone at my anual check-up.
So this is what "reindeer games" are.
There. are.no.words!!!!
Not knowing that reindeer hooves are erogenous zones, Santa agreed to "one last hoof rub" to help Rudolph get over his hangover. Rudolph didn't argue...
the hangover 3: rudolph got run over by a roofie.
so wrong in so many ways! the worst is Santa's expression - like he's got Rudolph locked up in his basement and only lets him out one night a year!
@Jackie - BEST CAPTION!!!
Unbeknownst to Rudolph, Santa was not a practicing OBGYN.
Santa: How'd you get this injury anyway? You're not a careless 'deer.
Rudolph: I'm not ,uh, sure. All I can, uh, remember is leaving the, uh, bar with extra, uh, beer in hand. I felt really, uh, dizzy and unable to focus...
Santa: Then what?
Rudolph: Well, I started, uh, walking, I think, and then, uh, I heard, the uh, the loud vehicle...It was like, uh, WAAAEEAAH!!...Then I heard, uh, the AAAYAAAH!!!...Then I just, uh, remember the dark silence...and I couldn't taste the beer...
This wasn't exactly what Rudolph had in mind when Santa asked him to guide his sleigh.
And might I say... SO disturbing!
I am disgusted. I'm sorry.