This Is Why You Always Knock
December 20, 2011 Remember that time when you were six and you accidentally opened the bathroom door without knocking first and then you saw your grandmother naked and there was lots of screaming and then you whimpered yourself to sleep for the next few weeks?
This is kind of like that.
;)
Now I know what you're thinking: "That looks a little like 'Merry Ghristmas.'"
You're right, and we've trained you well.
However.
There are a few other things worth noting:
Like the empty bottle of XXX booze.
Or the little sack of "toys."
Or Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or Rudolph splayed drunkenly across the bed with a towel covering his twigs and berries. His bells and clapper. His partridge in a pear tree? His one horse open sleigh. His...ok, you get the idea.
Or - in case you missed it - Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or the fact that Rudolph CLEARLY had a cigarette in his mouth that has since been removed.
Now, originally John and I tried to write some dialogue for this scene, but then the word "coitus" came up and I knew we just couldn't do it, so to speak. So I leave it to you, my sweet, snarky wrecktators: Write us your best caption for this scene and we'll send our top three favorites a signed copy of Wreck The Halls for Christmas. Good luck, and do try to keep it "clean." ;)
Thanks to Lisa D., who will never be able to look my grandmother Santa in the eye again.
Update! After reading through more than 500 comments, I am now thoroughly uncomfortable. And I think I need a shower. Here are the winners:
"And that was when Santa realized that he should probably stop taking his work home with him."
-elliespen
"Santa's 2012 presidential hopes dashed as secret 'reindeer games' are uncovered. 'It was all consensual,' claims Santa."
-Missy
"Um, Santa? I fly everywhere. So I'm thinking this hoof rubbing is more for your enjoyment than mine?"
-Donia
Congrats to our winners and thanks for playing!
Reader Comments (525)
As Santa prepares to go out and "slay"
Grandmothers who drank eggnog preceding Christmas Day
He must imbibe the reindeer who won't willingly go
To trample old women as they travel in the snow
Finally he takes his time and sharpens their hoofs
For his aim is grandma's forehead, not children's roofs
"So, am I on the naughty list now, Santa?"
T'was the night after Christmas,
And in the North Pole,
A reindeer's ankle had given a roll,
Santa was freaking out,
Next year, would his sleigh be guided?
St. Nick sure had some doubt.
After all, his reindeer used their ankles as they glided,
So Mr. Claus gave a smooch to the missus,
Took his favorite reindeer (and some chocolate kisses),
Snuck through the workshop, down to his bed,
Where just last night Santa hadn't rested his head,
And lay down good ol' Red-Nose Rudy,
"Here, take this scarf to cover your booty,"
He gave Rudolph some eggnog for "pain",
told him "I've had to do this time and again,"
Rudolph took a sip, Santa went straight to his work,
Massaged all the cramps, then turned with a jerk,
The doornob was jiggling, someone would see,
What appeared to be something a little more...frisky.
Santa panicked, what new elf would he have to let go?
When in came Mrs. Claus, who gave a soft "woah,"
She saw on her bed a drunken reindeer,
Covered in Santa's garmets...how queer.
Santa clutched a flexed hoof,
When laying a finger aside of his nose, he went "poof,"
Rudolph lay in a stupor on the bed,
Soon coming to realize the pounding in his head,
Mrs. Claus just scowled, as she heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of Blitzen's great hoof,
She watched Santa speed off in to the night sky,
And to his favorite reindeer he waved goodbye,
Santa's arms, around Blitzen's neck, were wrapped tight,
But Blitzen just grunted, "Don't try any of that stuff on me tonight,"
And as morning came, St. Nick sent home a note,
"Went to deliver some more toys, is that what he wrote?"
Mrs. Claus was worried for Santa, his record was clean...
Had never missed toys, had never done anything obscene,
But here he was, in bed with a beast,
Now running away, leaving his team leader wanting to see a priest.
"It wasn't that bad," Rudolph mumbled, clutching his head,
"Santa never actually got in the bed!"
Santa likes big bucks and he cannot lie.
Them other reindeer cannot lie.
When a deer walks in with a glowy little nose
And cheeks that are extra rosed
He gets sprung....
(It's like a train wreck...)
Mrs. Claus: Wow! We should play dressup more often! How 'bout you're Donder next time?
Santa: What have I started?
Now that Rudolph was inebriated, Santa could indulge in his secret hoof fetish.
Who, who, WHO would come up with a concept like this for a Christmas cake?!? I wish I'd seen this before I ate those chili cheese Fritos--I could have skipped the empty calories, not to mention the threat of them making a return appearance...or wait, I wish that I hadn't seen this at all. This is something to put in the mental vault with the meatloaf baby (and, indeed, most other food-based babies) and the fetus cookies. How will I ever watch "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" again?
Uh, keep it clean, keep it clean...
"Vixen *hic* pranced into my room with a bottle of whiskey and *hic* told me that her love for Cupid was dashed when he fooled around with Comet. The night started with dancing, but I got blitzed, donned this scarf, and one thing led to another. She said that she loved me, but she was *sob* just playing games with me."
Alternative caption: "As Mrs. Claus most shockingly discovered, the term 'Santa's beard' didn't necessarily refer to the hair on his chin."
Oh, not enough brain bleach in the world!
Santa looks strangely unsatisfied.
Finally, Rudolph had a chance to participate in the Annual Reindeer Games, only to go down with a cramp in his hoof on the third lap of the Reindeer Dash. (Dasher won. Again!) Santa himself was on hand during the event. He gave Rudolph a hoof massage and his own scarf when Rudolph took a chill. Santa saw the fog rolling in and knew he needed Rudolph to pull the sleigh that night. So, he pulled out his special recuperative drink, "Tres Equis" for Rudolph to heal faster and be ready to fly.
Please, Santa...just one more taste of your candy cane...
Santa had Rudolph up on roofies and making-it-rain deer!
Rudolph had waited for this moment for so many years - now it was as if all his Christmases had come at once!
I TOLD you the PSA for children to leave 'brownies' and eggnog would make this night MUCH more fun than cookies and milk...
Little Susie hoping Santa would come Early, had left the milk out all year...
MY EYES! MY EYES!!
"Santa knew this was the last night Rudolph would blackmail him into doing this Ghristmas act again. As he rubbed that reindeer hoof, he plotted where to hide the body so no one would find it."
A little dark.. but Santa looks murderous to me!
At the North Pole Day Spa, Santa always gives a 'Happy Ending.'
Did you think Santa let Rudolph guide the sleigh because of his red nose??
In hopes of catching the Jolly Old ELf and his Reindeer, the children put rufies in the milk and water they left out for Santa and the Reindeer. Luckly, their magic helped them get away quickly. Sadly for Rudolph, Santa's hoof fetish was only the beginning.
Santa to Rudolph: Calm down Rudy, the other deer really do like you, don't be upset, I need you to guide the sleigh tonight
or
Rudolph to Santa: Ooooooooh..... you said glows, not blows.....
1) From Santa's seat on the sleigh, he saw Rudolph in a whole new way...and he liked what he saw.
2) You know Rudolph, I have a few toys in my bag for you too
3) Rudolph, are those your antlers or are you happy to see me?
4) After years of 'befriending" the elves, Santa thought of going in a new direction.
Can we vote? This one has GOT to be in the top 3!
"Santa's 2012 presidential hopes dashed as secret 'reindeer games' are uncovered. 'It was all consensual,' claims Santa."
December 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMissy
So does this put me on the naughty or nice list?
Rudolph, don't blame me! I tried to tell you that wasn't a doe!
This gives new meaning to that Holiday Flight of Shame the next morning. I am scarred FOR LIFE, and all because of a damned cake. A cake!
What happens at the North Pole, stays at the North Pole.
Gives new meaning to Naughty or Nice.....guess Santa had to check for himself.
"I'm not sayin' Comet was right to throw Santa off that roof, but you're sayin' a hoof massage don't mean nothin', and I'm sayin' it does. I've given a million reindeer a million hoof massages and they all meant somethin'."
Proof that sleeping your way to the top actually pays off!
The thirteenth day of Christmas.
Mrs. Claus surprised Santa this year by wearing his favorite costume.
Shocking hidden camera footage introduced by Rudolph's lawyers in Santa's sexual harrasment case.
Rudoph: "All I wanted was a chance to guide his sleigh. I had no idea....*sob*"
Santa's got his technique down and everything, he don't be ticklin' or nothin'.
After coming to after the effects of the Egg Nogg wore off, Santa realized that the Vixen in his bed was not the reindeer he thought it was!
Rudolph, like Christmas, only comes once a year.
Oh Santa, you know how to turn my nose red.
Santa, next year send one of the other reindeer to Lindsay Lohan's house!
Santa knew he'd have to put a kibbosh on the boys'-night-out reindeer games after realizing that Rudolph was really bad at playing "Quarters".
SANTA IN MISERY
Santa: YOU! YOU DIRTY BIRD, HOW COULD YOU!
Rudolph: What?
Santa: It can't be dead, MERRY CHRISTMAS CANNOT BE DEAD!
Rudolph: But the SPIRIT is the important thing, and Christmas spirit is still alive.
Santa: I DON'T WANT SPIRIT! I WANT CHRISTMAS, AND YOU MURDERED IT!
Rudolph: No I didn't.
Santa: WHO DID?
Rudolph: No one did! it just died! it... it... slipped away!
Santa: SLIPPED AWAY! SLIPPED AWAY? IT DIDN'T JUST SLIP AWAY! YOU DID IT! YOU DID IT! YOU DID IT! YOU MURDERED MY CHRISTMAS!
If you were 6, your grandmother was probably only about 46. ... Enjoy the view while it lasts! ;p .. Sorry I don't have a caption for the cake.
Rudolph, I told you if you messed with Vixen bad things would happen.
Rudolph was consequently banished to the Island of Misfit Toys by Mrs. Claus soon after...
So THAT'S why all of the other reindeer love you.
"Nobody gives Marcellus Wallace's reindeer a foot massage."
Rudolph I have told you many times you need to stop. Just wait until Mrs. Claus hears, it's time for an intervention.
That was the last time anyone called Rudolph a 'tiny' reindeer.
Hey, babe, wanna play some reindeer games?
Fa La La La La La La La Ahhh!
obscene is the word you are looking for
"Leave the money on the dresser Santa Baby."