Monday
Jun102013
Help Me, Princess Bride; You're My Only Hope
June 10, 2013 There are times when I get wrecks SO baffling that even I don't know what they're supposed to be.
During these times, I turn to The Princess Bride for help.
;)
"Do you hear that? Those are the shrieking eels."
;)
"That is the sound of ultimate suffering. The man in black makes it now."
(He's just over there, screaming at the mixer.)
;)
"The chocolate coating helps it go down easier."
(We hope.)
;)
"I've just sucked one year of your life away."
;)
"It's the PIT of DESPAAAAIR."
"I'm not saying I'd build a summer home here, but the trees are really quite lovely." ;)
And, of course:
;)
"You ARE the Brute Squad!"
Thanks to Jackie K., Victoria E., Hopkin, Amy J., Lena C., Stephanie, and Amy B. for the inconceivably good time.
Reader Comments (128)
They defy all logic and explanation O_o
I would buy the last cake for the Skittles.
After much gnashing of teeth, I've figured out the second cake. It says Happy RipeH->AAY R()bbLe. I'm so happy for Robble. It's not every Ripe Day that you get such a beautiful cake.
I guess I now know who stole all my pain meds!!!
I...what?? o_O Like mindy1 said...defy ALL logic and explanation!
I do not think those cakes mean what you think they mean.
As you wish.
I kinda want to give Sad Faced Melting Poop Bunny his own TV show. Or at least I think that is what that is. Up next on Sad Faced Melting Poop Bunny... No? Just me? Dang.
Did the last baker just run out of time or why didn't he take the Skittles out of the bag? Or did he put them there as an afterthought - an alternative if the cookie doesn't taste good?
I just watched it yesterday with my kids. I am trying to convince my four year old son to dress up as the man in black and dress my daughter as Buttercup, but my son is still a little confused by the whole thing and keeps asking is that the black man?
Sung to "Storybook Love" (The "Princess Bride" theme)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ifSUhwmIMU
Come, my friends, I'll tell you a tale
Of bakery cakes and their back story
How eels on ravioli shriek so much
How Robbie's piper made such a mess
That chocolate coating will go down just fine
Bloody Emily's feeling vexed
The tarry pit prob'ly makes you balk
Are those three pimply cacti -- who would have guessed?
That poor brute needs a wrecky cake story
One that's as real as those tubular eels
Let's bask in all this wrecky cake glory
And all the feelings that they make us feel
Sometimes we just want to shriek like eels.
Cake 5: upside down duck's head silhouette, with commemorative white ribbon. "Remember last year when you attempted to make duck a l'orange and caught the kitchen on fire? Well, I've made you a cake to commemorate your first and last attempt to cook."
Logic? We don't need no stinkin' logic.
#1 A sad tribute to the trees of the North West coast ruined by the Spruce Beetle larva.
#2 "Oh, no! We used up all the dark green frosting in the tube! Drag it through the letters to try to make it last longer!"
#3 Turned sideways, it looks like Boo Boo Bear sneaking off with a pick-a-nik basket under his fur. (That's why you can't see it)
#4 THAT"S where all the dark green icing went!
#5 I'm sorry, but I won't wear a cream cheese tuxedo no matter how much you pay me. (cute bow, though)
#6 Celebration of the cactus fruit harvest.
#7 "Ok, young bakers, here's what to do with any old left-over icing and a package of candy some kid dropped on the floor in front of the display case…"
Sad Faced Melting Poop Bunny? I thought it was a Cycloptic Melting Poop Horse with Diminished Mane and Tail Disorder and Detachable Leg Syndrome (the much much worse cousin of Restless Leg Syndrome where the legs actually get so restless they go walk about on their own.).
That first cake....um....looks very....male. Just sayin'.
And I'm glad the tuxedo cake was labeled. I thought they were celebrating an oil spill or something.
I think I need more coffee.
These cakes make me feel like I've been mostly dead all day.
Thank goodness I have been slowly making myself immune to wrecked cakes over the past year. These don't affect me at all.
LIAR! LIAARRRR! Those aren't cakes, they're wrecks - and after what I've just seen, I'm not sure I even want to be a customer anymore!
This post just confirms my belief that quotes from The Princess Bride can be applied to any situation. (And they will usually make that situatioin better!)
Once again proving that Princess Bride is ALWAYS the correct answer.
@Tricia: You took the words out of our mouths!
Great post Jen!
Really, If poor Emily is suffering from a Gastro-intestinal bleed (hence the black tarry stool) AND frank blood (perhaps a bleeding Hemorrhoid) The last thing she needs is a cake illustrating her ills.
And today shall be forever known as Ripe Day! Thanks for translating @TK421 :-)
@Sharyn ~ Really, that's the only choice for the song today. Well done my friend!
I really need to know what that black thing is supposed to be on poor Emily's cake. Really guys, I need to know what that thing is. I have a horrible feeling it will be haunting me in my nightmares tonight and I'd really like to be prepared.
At least the blue on the Tuxedo Cake is a pretty color. Not a color I want to ingest but I'd be ok if the trim on my house was that color.
What *are* the plastic pieces on the first cake? They look sorta-kinda like severed doll limbs, but not exactly. It would make a kind of sense to use the legs from Barbies, because the Barbies stuck into Barbie cakes don't really need their legs, but I don't think that's it.
@Holly Folly and @Katherine, you've both got it wrong. It's obviously a mangled labrador retriever bleeding on the cake. Oh wait--you guys were talking about cake #4, right? The one that commemorates Emily's former pet dog? Because if you're talking about the last one, it's what happens to you when you eat three 8" cream cheese tuxedos. You turn into the 24 Beast.
If the "Pit of Despair" cake is supposed to be a "Glimpse Into R'lyeh" cake, it's actually quite brilliant.
Otherwise, not so much.
Either that, or I failed my Sanity check...
@Elphaba- You know you can just buy Skittles, right? Of course, then the bag wouldn't be all sticky and greasy...
Love Princess Bride! Just last week I used the quote "I've just sucked one year of your life away" on my husband's anniversary card. Thankfully, he found it funny.
Okay, what the hell IS that first one? I seriously cannot figure it out.
I understand Princess Bride. I don't understand these cakes. Best advise for people who purchase them--scrape off ALL the icing and just eat the cake. (I would be afraid to eat any icing that looks like that.)
The last one is celebrating one of the Seahawks football players, whose mother would reward him with Skittles, and he still does it for himself now. He eats them on the sideline after a good play.
I was already having a pretty good day; this just made it better. :)
I'm surprised you didn't caption the last one with, "Dear God, what is that THING?!?" because that was my reaction. o_O
Ok, I vote silk worms on mulberry leaves for the first one. But what are they doing disgorging themselves from a giant tongue?
@Myra: I thought the first cake looked like little man parts. Either that or severed fingers. Can't decide.
I don't know about anyone else...but on that first one, all I can see are the insides of a tauntaun!
Shoelaces float up.
We should eat lightning sand cakes,
not vice versa.
Yes, they all defy explanation, but the first one does it on a whole other level.
In zis sculpture by ze underground artist Glen Orglenda, ve find an extensive metaphor for ze sekshul confusion. Notice how ze male appendiches burst through ze female orifice, not from ze outside, but from vithin! Zey are accompanied by trampled, ineffectual fig leafs as a mockery of ze censorship policies vhich kept ze artist's vork from being exhibited during hir lifetime.
I was scrolling down going, "No clue, no clue," then reached cake #5 and brightened. The piping is totally Cthulhu!
...in (on?) a tux, apparently. Which caused a bit of head-scratching, but hey, who says a god of destruction and despair can't dress snappy?
@dutchgirl I'm glad I'm not the only one. And if you enlarge the picture, it just gets worse.
I think the cupcake cake is meant to be the Gingerbread Man, which may be why they had to stick a sign on it attesting to the fact that it's "chocolate". I think the first one is meant to be a sandwich of some kind, but it's nothing I'd ever consider eating.
Eels...
(Cough)
...umm, 'Kay...
Perhaps the chocolate one is an R.O.U.S. = Rodent of Unusual Size. Although I don't think they exist. :)
My eyes can't unsee the first cake.
Grey macaroni or (ahem) male bits and mint leaves oozing out of a red tuxedo jacket??? Makes perfect sense to me ...
Uncircumsized penises on a bed of lettuce bursting forth from a red velvet tuxedo jacket. It couldn't possibly be more clear...
I think (possibly) that the first one is a hairy man's chest in a v-neck shirt. That's the best I can do!
Well I can give some insight into number 7!! Being a seattleite I instantly recognized it as a wannabe seahawks cake! The eye is almost sort of kind of like the eye of the seahawks logo. Number 24 is Marshawn Lynch who is known for his "beast mode" hence the feed the beast. What skittles has to do with any of that, or what the blue blob is really supposed to be, I have no clue.
The last wreck is for a fan of the Seahawks' Marshawn Lynch aka "The Beast". His favorite candies are...you guessed it - Skittles. People throw them at him whenever he scores a touchdown. Still a pretty awful wreck, though.
the pit of despair one.....its original title of 8" cream cheese tuxedo had me giggling. there should be a band with that name! "And now....introducingggggg....the Cream Cheese Tuxedos performing their latest hit "Its not a Pit of Despair, its a Seed of Loneliness"!
Is it strange that I think the first cake kinda resembles a vagina?
Please, could you tell us what the 1st one was supposed to be?! It's haunting me.......
I'm still trying to figure out why that first cake is covered with uncut male parts. Was it maybe a cake for a bris?