This Is Why You Always Knock
December 20, 2011 Remember that time when you were six and you accidentally opened the bathroom door without knocking first and then you saw your grandmother naked and there was lots of screaming and then you whimpered yourself to sleep for the next few weeks?
This is kind of like that.
;)
Now I know what you're thinking: "That looks a little like 'Merry Ghristmas.'"
You're right, and we've trained you well.
However.
There are a few other things worth noting:
Like the empty bottle of XXX booze.
Or the little sack of "toys."
Or Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or Rudolph splayed drunkenly across the bed with a towel covering his twigs and berries. His bells and clapper. His partridge in a pear tree? His one horse open sleigh. His...ok, you get the idea.
Or - in case you missed it - Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or the fact that Rudolph CLEARLY had a cigarette in his mouth that has since been removed.
Now, originally John and I tried to write some dialogue for this scene, but then the word "coitus" came up and I knew we just couldn't do it, so to speak. So I leave it to you, my sweet, snarky wrecktators: Write us your best caption for this scene and we'll send our top three favorites a signed copy of Wreck The Halls for Christmas. Good luck, and do try to keep it "clean." ;)
Thanks to Lisa D., who will never be able to look my grandmother Santa in the eye again.
Update! After reading through more than 500 comments, I am now thoroughly uncomfortable. And I think I need a shower. Here are the winners:
"And that was when Santa realized that he should probably stop taking his work home with him."
-elliespen
"Santa's 2012 presidential hopes dashed as secret 'reindeer games' are uncovered. 'It was all consensual,' claims Santa."
-Missy
"Um, Santa? I fly everywhere. So I'm thinking this hoof rubbing is more for your enjoyment than mine?"
-Donia
Congrats to our winners and thanks for playing!
Reader Comments (525)
[squeaky clean version]
Santa takes time out from the busiest night of the year to deal with a little case of reindeer burnout.
"Another Christmas Eve...another "once around the world". Was it as good for you as it was for me?"
Santa needing a post Christmas change decided to take a poll amongst the reindeer to see who was up for a bit of a challange. Rudolph was the only one who replied saying, "I'll take your pole santa and guide it to all the right places!" Santa has never been happier!!
"Rudolph, I can't believe you got so drunk you went and got your HOOF PIERCED! How are you going to manage all those take-offs and landings tonight with that thing in your hoof? Of all the irresponsible...!"
Gimme some fruitcake Santa 'cause you know what I like. (I can't believe I just typed that, it sounds so.....dirty!)
K. in Hazelridge
Giving new meaning to "being lit"...
"Remember how last night you told me to go a little to the left? Yeah, how about you return the favor, big guy?"
"So, Rudy, do you always smoke after you 'guide the sleigh'"?
"I don't know. I've never looked."
This is exactly what allowing gay marriage will lead to.
And now Santa understood exactly what names the other reindeer had called Rudolf.
After that night, the other reindeer had an entirely new set of names to call Rudolph.
We don't talk about the night Santa lost his glasses.
Imagine this song being by a hotel maid to the tune of "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"
I saw Santa massaging Rudolph
Underneath the hotel's neon sign last night.
They did see me creep
In the room to change to towels
They thought that the Do Not Disturb was hung on the door knob.
Then, I saw Rudolph tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white;
Oh, what a internet sensation it would have been
If the camera had only caught
Rudolph kissing Santa Claus last night.
Rudolph: I really can't stay
Santa: Baby it's cold outside
Rudolph: I've got to go away
Santa: Baby it's cold outside
Rudolph: This Christmas has been...
Santa: Been hoping that you'd drop in
Rudolph: So very nice...
Santa: I'll hold your hoofs, they're just like ice
Rudolph: Dasher will start to worry...
Santa: Beautiful, what's your hurry
Rudolph: Dancer will be pacing the floor
Santa: Listen to the fireplace roar
Rudolph: So really I'd better scurry
Santa: Beautiful, please don't hurry
Rudolph: Well Maybe just a half a drink more
Santa: Put some music on while I pour
Rudolph: Donner might think...
Santa: Baby, it's bad out there
Rudolph: Say, what's in this drink?
Santa: No sleighs to be had out there...
Rudolph: I wish I knew how ...
Santa: Your nose is so bright now
Rudolph: To break this spell...
Santa: I'll take the "reins", your fur looks swell
Rudolph: I ought to say no, no, no, sir...
Santa: Mind if I move a little closer
Rudolph: At least I'm gonna say that I tried...
Santa: What's the sense in hurting my pride?
Rudolph: I really can't stay
Santa: Baby don't hold out
Rudolph: So now do I get to guide the sleigh tonight?
Santa: Sure sure, now relax...
Times are changing... Santa has to do a little more than just ASK for Rudolph to guide his sleigh tonight...
"Now gather round children and let me tell you a little story about the Night Before Christmas..."
He came upon a nude, drunk deer. (sung to the tune of it came upon a midnight clear)
Wow, Rudolph, I guess I shouldn't have left you out of our Reindeer games for so long!!
Merry XXX-mas!
Oh no. No no no. No. Severed limbs, slaughtered deer and sharks, babies bursting out of gelatin bellies, piles of poo, phallic shaped everything, poor grammar, really bad spelling, a lack of sprinkles, naked carrot jockeys. Put them ALL on a cake and THIS cake would still haunt me for the rest of my life.
Now THIS, Mr. O'Reilly, is a war on Christmas. Happy Holidays, Bill.
Dash away! Dash away all!
Oh, lord...now I'm going to have nightmares!
It really is Oh, oh, oh! isn't it?
...And that's when we learned that the North Pole has its own red light district.
"So Rudolph, have you ever had hoof-in-mouth? Would you like to?"
All I have is a nice, clean snippet of the song stuck in my head:
"Oh, how the reindeer loved him.
As they shouted out with glee, 'Yippee'
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
you'll go down...'
"Why yes, Rudolph, I did remember the "special stockings"--ribbed or flavored?
Santa never could resist a good rack.
That green cover Rudolph is laying on top of is what I like to call a "drop cloth". Santa must have put it there to keep from...spilling any milk on the bedspread.
"I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?"
Hoe No No, Santa!
Oh! Oh! So that's why adults don't mind being on the naughty list. I never knew!
Santa Baby thanks for hurrying down my chimney tonight.
OH DEER!
That's pretty much what "reindeer games" has always meant.
Twas the night after Christmas when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
Rudolph was hung like a big grizzly bear
And hoped that St. Nicholas soon would be there
With wine on the pillow and the lights soft and dim
That red nosed deer lay waiting for him
Santa ready for mischief, on the door gave a tap
Just as Rudolph felt something rise in his lap
In snuck the old man with a bag full of treasure
Not of gold but filled with X rated pleasure
He went straight to the bed because he knew
His special reindeer was waiting to screw
The moon on his breast made him look like a doe
But gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below
The old man's wandering eyes could just stare
the magical offerings of the red nosed reindeer
The little old lover, so lively and quick
Jumped on the bed for the first trick
More rapid than eagles from the bag came the toys
And he whistled, and shouted, oh what the joys!
Handcuffs and whips and feathers and more!
Blindfolds and chains, so much fun in store!
Out came the vibrators! The video camera!
A garter! A thong! A lace demi-bra!
Like a wild stallion the reindeer was ready
To dress the old man in a black ruffled teddy
So onto the floor the clothes dropped so fast
This night would be more fun than Christmas' past
And then in a twinkling, their eyes caught sight
of a small little baggie of leaves just right.
They drew out a pipe and lit it right up
And poured more wine into a cup
They sat there feeling fuzzy from head to foot
Their clothes strung about, on St. Nick just a boot
Rudolph looked dazed, oh what a sight
but he'd never forget this wild and crazy night
His eyes were glazed over, his mouth felt so dry
He looked over at St Nick still getting high
From out of his mouth came rings of smoke
To Rudolph or himself he softly spoke
The stump of his pipe he held tight in his teeth
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath
“Rudolph, my deer, you're a fine fellow.”
“You rocked my world and now I feel mellow.”
To which the reindeer replied, “You crazy elf,”
“Was it you or did I just wet myself?”
Neither was sure but it didn't matter
They were too busy craving cake batter.
And that's how the reindeer, his ankle did sprain
On his way from the kitchen he tripped on a train.
The bowl of batter flew through the air
Bounced off a cake and landed on a chair.
Quickly, St. Nick sprang into action, with flotsam and sprinkles
He fixed up that cake with with globs of frosting on the wrinkles.
When it was done he called it a ten
And shouted “Happy Cake Wrecks to all, especially John and Jen!”
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. o_O
Oh great, Mrs. Claus has hooked herself up to the sleigh again...
"You wanted to join in the reindeer games."
"Shhh, just relax Rudolph, once the Roofie kicks in and you won't feel OR remember a thing....just relax. There ya go, deep breaths...'
"Ol' Santa Claus and Rudolph
were talking one fine day
about the nasty problem
in the back of Santa's sleigh..."
Santa, why can't you look me in the eye?!
"Just call me angel of the morning, angel..." O_O
On Christmas Eve when Mrs. Claus said, " Santa, you and Rudolph better get to hoofin' it!", I'm pretty sure this is not what she meant!
The real reason all the reindeer shouted out with glee!
Rudolph: That's so nice of you to rub my hooves, Santa, but how is that going to take care of this hangover?!
Rudolph with your nose so bright...and your legs so tight and....muscular...Let me ride on your sleigh tonight....
Hope Santa doesn't get Hoof and Mouth disease....Rudolph's been a VERY naughty reindeer lately!
Mrs. Claus was aware that Santa had been distant for some time, but she had no idea just how far things had gone.
OR
"Whaddya want from me, anyway?!? It's not like I can go out to bars to pick up chicks!"