This Is Why You Always Knock
December 20, 2011 Remember that time when you were six and you accidentally opened the bathroom door without knocking first and then you saw your grandmother naked and there was lots of screaming and then you whimpered yourself to sleep for the next few weeks?
This is kind of like that.
;)
Now I know what you're thinking: "That looks a little like 'Merry Ghristmas.'"
You're right, and we've trained you well.
However.
There are a few other things worth noting:
Like the empty bottle of XXX booze.
Or the little sack of "toys."
Or Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or Rudolph splayed drunkenly across the bed with a towel covering his twigs and berries. His bells and clapper. His partridge in a pear tree? His one horse open sleigh. His...ok, you get the idea.
Or - in case you missed it - Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or the fact that Rudolph CLEARLY had a cigarette in his mouth that has since been removed.
Now, originally John and I tried to write some dialogue for this scene, but then the word "coitus" came up and I knew we just couldn't do it, so to speak. So I leave it to you, my sweet, snarky wrecktators: Write us your best caption for this scene and we'll send our top three favorites a signed copy of Wreck The Halls for Christmas. Good luck, and do try to keep it "clean." ;)
Thanks to Lisa D., who will never be able to look my grandmother Santa in the eye again.
Update! After reading through more than 500 comments, I am now thoroughly uncomfortable. And I think I need a shower. Here are the winners:
"And that was when Santa realized that he should probably stop taking his work home with him."
-elliespen
"Santa's 2012 presidential hopes dashed as secret 'reindeer games' are uncovered. 'It was all consensual,' claims Santa."
-Missy
"Um, Santa? I fly everywhere. So I'm thinking this hoof rubbing is more for your enjoyment than mine?"
-Donia
Congrats to our winners and thanks for playing!
Reader Comments (525)
Dude what a night. I can't remember a thing. Hey why are you sitting on my bed rubbing my hoof. You're acting creepy again man. We talked about you not doing this anymore remember.
Santa finally figured out how Rudolph's nose ended up "lit" at Christmas time.
Santa: Rudolph, you're too stressed out about Christmas this year. Here, just have a sip or two of my "special brew".
<Rudolph takes a sip>
Rudolph: That's strong stuff Santa...Why is the room spinning?
Santa: Just sit back and relax Rudy, I'll rub your hooves for a minute and you'll feel all better...I have some "special" toys in my bag just for you...
Rudolph: Comet said not to accept your "special toys", Santa...
Santa: Comet is just jealous Rudy, he knows that you're my special friend and can't accept that he is yesterday's news. Besides, this is just between you and me...
Rudolph: Ok Santa, if you say so...
Now isn’t this much better than reindeer games?
If you turn off the lights, my nose can light your way.
Santa baby, it’s cold outside!
"....Ooooooh Santa baby, you sleigh me!"
Christmas is coming, but I'm sure detesting
What Santa's rubbing and the way Rudy's resting
Smoking, drinking and forgetting the toys
Glad I saw this before the girls and boys.
To each their own and some love is beasty
but I find it gross, don't like it in the leasty.
Santa's hoof fetish and Rudolf's drunk nap
have ruined the innocence of Santa's lap!
On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer he may be
but you'll wont find me on that fat, red knee.
I'll give up the presents, I'll give up the magic
to erase the mental image of Santa's bad habit!
The Hangover 3: Going Down in History
In return for bailing himout of jail after his FUI charge, Rudolph let Santa indulge in his hoof fetish.
"Dude, I'm sooo wasted..."
I know," said Santa as he made his move.
Suddenly the door swung open as Mrs. Clause entered, looking for the scarf she misplaced.
"Now remember, this is 'our little secret...'"
Now we know who put the twinkle in Santa's eye.
(I can't possibly express how glad I am that at least the blanket across Rudolph's lap is laying flat...)
"Prancer, of course ... Dancer, hells yes ... But, you Rudy, made me forget all those other hoofers!"
"Santa's 2012 presidential hopes dashed as secret 'reindeer games' are uncovered. 'It was all consensual,' claims Santa."
Santa comes but once a year...
Rudolph with your nose so bright won't you ride...I mean guide, I totally ment guide my sleigh tonight!
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Rudolph came to say,
"Santa, I taped our escapades.
"Won't you be my reindeer slave?"
Santa had HIS best holidays when Mrs Claus put on her "special" lingerie and they did it deer-y style!
"Nature moments we rarely see"
(Gary Larson)
__________
Rudolph wasn't so sure he liked these new reindeer games...
________
Mrs. Claus was becoming increasingly suspicious of Rudolph's repetitive strain injury.
hee hee hee, ho, ho, ho, hee, hee, hee...
"There, there Rudolph. Don't listen to those other reindeer. You are very special. Let me show you just how special you are...he he."
Que the Barry White music...
Ever since that stupid song came out, Rudolph has been such a DIVA!
"Rudolph only needed a little R&R after a long day at work. Little did he realize that it would land both him and Santa on the naughty list for next year."
I tried to come up with a caption, but I'm too busy SCREAMING IN HORROR. What the heck?
Brain bleach, stat! D:
Of course you'll still be on the good list in the morning, Rudolph.
One cold and blustery night, while Mrs. Claus was visiting her sister in Palm Springs, Santa and Rudolph made up some "reindeer games" of their own.
"Was it good for you, deer?"
(I think the cake is in questionable taste, i.e. inappropriate for some audiences, a hoot for others. It's very well-executed.)
"Wow, Santa! I'll never think of 'hoof and mouth' the same way again...."
"No wonder all of the reindeer love you. That was GOOD, for goodness sake!"
Rudolph: "Oh, yeah. A few more hours of that kind of hoof work and I may be good to go. And some more booze. And give me back my cigarette! And maybe..."
Santa: "If I knew I'd have to do this every year, I'd have WALKED the globe that night."
"There there Rudolph. It's ok, you didn't do anything wrong. It didn't feel wrong, right? Now the important thing is that we can't tell anyone about this..."
And this is why Rudolph never got invited to the reindeer games... Hint hint, it had nothing to do with his nose... Or did it?
Not wanting to divulge the truth to why his nose glows red. Rudolph opted for the dare....
Tonight will be anything but a Silent Night.
Santa: So, Rudolph, is your nose the only red thing about you?
Mrs. Claus was devastated when she was diagnosed with a bad case of hoof-in-mouth disease. She simply didn't spend that much time with the reindeer.
"Now Rudolph, I TOLD you something like this would happen if you went drinking before the Reindeer Games. Now you've gone and sprained your ankle right before Christmas! You're just lucky I took that online athletic training course!"
"come on Deer! The others are off playing their reindeer games, Mrs Clause is busy with those damn elves again . . .Whadaya say, Deer? "
"Santa, it's been a long night. My hooves are killing me. That sleigh gets gets heavier every year, you really really need to lay off the egg nog!"
"I'm going to pretend i didn't hear that, Deer. Now finish that bottle of XXX, I wanna play some reindeer games of my own! Wink Wink!"
And that was when Santa realized that he should probably stop taking his work home with him.
1. I'm scarred for life,
2. "Oh, don't worry, you'll be going on the nice list, Rudolph...the very, very nice list!"
"Rudolph, if you weren't drunk all the time I wouldn't get to spend this 'quality time' with you"
How Rudolph got his Red Nose.
Run, Run, Rudolph!
Rudolph murmuring "here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down santa paws lane..."
On further reflection, maybe it's funnier the other way...
"I wish I knew how to quit you, Rudolf."
"Look, Rudolph. I know this is hard for you, but it's what you agreed to when Santa paid off your gambling debts. Here. Have another shot of whiskey."
what happens in the north pole, stays in the north pole
Rudolph: *drunk voice* Awww, sir why the unhappy face? I've only drank 1000000000 or 100 beers-
Santa: Well than, how come I had to help you like this? Do me once I've changed and don't start filming, the kids might be...
Mrs. Santa: *Walks in room* Santa honey- O_o - WHAT WERE YOU DOING???
* Violent screaming, pattering hooves, glass shattering, furniture cracking on those two unfortunante males*
How could I resist?
"Yes Rudolph, this is how Blitzen got his name." Santa murmurs softly.
I'm stuck on your closing injunction to "keep it clean."
How do we make THIS clean?
Anyone? Anyone at all have an answer to that?
'Oh Santa, now you'll have to put yourself on the Naughty List.....'
or
Santa wondered how his invitation for Rudolph to meet him by the Christmas tree for a kiss under the balls could have been so badly misconstrued....
or
Rudolph wasn't sure this was what Santa meant when he asked for help emptying his sack...
Christmas isn't the only thing that comes just once a year!