This Is Why You Always Knock
December 20, 2011 Remember that time when you were six and you accidentally opened the bathroom door without knocking first and then you saw your grandmother naked and there was lots of screaming and then you whimpered yourself to sleep for the next few weeks?
This is kind of like that.
;)
Now I know what you're thinking: "That looks a little like 'Merry Ghristmas.'"
You're right, and we've trained you well.
However.
There are a few other things worth noting:
Like the empty bottle of XXX booze.
Or the little sack of "toys."
Or Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or Rudolph splayed drunkenly across the bed with a towel covering his twigs and berries. His bells and clapper. His partridge in a pear tree? His one horse open sleigh. His...ok, you get the idea.
Or - in case you missed it - Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or the fact that Rudolph CLEARLY had a cigarette in his mouth that has since been removed.
Now, originally John and I tried to write some dialogue for this scene, but then the word "coitus" came up and I knew we just couldn't do it, so to speak. So I leave it to you, my sweet, snarky wrecktators: Write us your best caption for this scene and we'll send our top three favorites a signed copy of Wreck The Halls for Christmas. Good luck, and do try to keep it "clean." ;)
Thanks to Lisa D., who will never be able to look my grandmother Santa in the eye again.
Update! After reading through more than 500 comments, I am now thoroughly uncomfortable. And I think I need a shower. Here are the winners:
"And that was when Santa realized that he should probably stop taking his work home with him."
-elliespen
"Santa's 2012 presidential hopes dashed as secret 'reindeer games' are uncovered. 'It was all consensual,' claims Santa."
-Missy
"Um, Santa? I fly everywhere. So I'm thinking this hoof rubbing is more for your enjoyment than mine?"
-Donia
Congrats to our winners and thanks for playing!
Reader Comments (525)
When she opened the door Mrs. Santa Claus finally faced facts. Her marriage was a sham, nothing more than a publicity cover. The original "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"... damn those bastards in Hollywood.
'Twas the night after Christmas,
And alone in his house
Santa was missing
His long-wedded spouse.
The red sleigh was parked,
And it's reigns were untied,
So Santa invited
His dear Rudolph inside.
He promised him toys--
If he only would stay.
He whispered visions of sugarplums;
So down Rudolph lay.
Then eggnog was sipped,
Warm blankets were spread,
And needless to say…
Yuletide dignity was shred.
So next Christmas, dear friends
If temptation’s in sight,
Just blow a kiss to your love-
But bid your steer a good night!
The only dialogue I can come up with is an incoherent scream, because this is just WRONG.
So here you go: AAAAAHHHHHHAUUUUAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
*said in a deep Dean Martin voice* Aww but Baby...it's cold outside....
like the tag suggests -- questionable taste. I like some of your other christmas wrecks better than this one.
'How to Bag a Deer: The Unauthorized Biography of Kris Kringle"
Oh. deer. [shaking head in twitchy wimpering manner...]
"Santa Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
Is it just me or did anyone else notice how uncomfortable Santa looks?
"Si-i-ent Night...."
I thought we were going to play REINDEER games... not the CRYING game!
I think "questionable" is not the right word for the taste that created this!
Santa looked up as he heard the phone ringing. It was his lawyer, calling to brainstorm about the upcoming trial.
Mrs. Claus is just a cover.
"Are you sure this is the best way to make your nose so bright?"
Now we know why all the reindeer loved him.
T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house
These two creatures were stirring... they woke up the mouse.
"This little piggy delivered presents... this little piggy pulled my sleigh..."
"Ohhh Santa, i'm SO glad you invited me to this stag party!"
Unfortunately the years of neglect by his parents and abuse from his peers meant that Rudolph was completely unprepared for the stresses of stardom. Turning to alcohol and self mutilation, within a few short years and several failed AAA attempts, Stanta was reduced to hauling his smashed lead reindeer into the drunk tank the days leading up to Christmas to sober him up enough to fly.
The sequel song, "One good deed doesn't undo a lifetime of abuse" never achieved the success of the first.
You want a job don't you?
"Okay. I'll guide your sleigh tonight."
Santa: "Oh poor Rudolph, is that why your nose is so bright?"
or
Santa: "OMG Rudolph! Christmas Eve....REALLY??? Geez, cover yourself up! Here's my scarf..."
Rudolph: "Why is the room spinning? Think I'm gonna be sic....(blech)"
or
Rudolph: "Wow Santa baby, you sure hurried down the chimney tonight!"
I'm with s, as in Sorry, I'm not sure this was such a good idea.
Remember when "Santa and the roofie" had a completely different meaning?
Jolly Old Saint Nick was scarred for life when he Googled himself and accidentally discovered illustrated slash Santa fan fiction.
"I've got a whole sack full of goodies to make you feel better"
Rudolph, with your nose so bright. Won't you guide my "sleigh" tonight?
The unfortunate product of a phone order for Manda and Adolph's wedding cake.
Santa and Rudolph landed on the naughty list this year...
Rudolph resigned himself to the fact that once again it was going to be a long hard christmas
This is the day we learned Santa has a hoof fetish.
You know, male reindeer loose their antlers in the late fall so all of Santa's reindeer had to be female so...
What happens at the North Pole, stays at the North Pole.
"The North Pole. Where men are men and deer are scared."
that's why you're at the top of the naughty list, Rudy, and that's the way I like it.
'How to Bag a Deer: The Unauthorized Biography of Kris Kringle"
December 20, 2011 | Erin
ERIN FOR THE WIN!
*Rudolph singing*
"They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said Noooo, Noooo, Nooooo..."
Now we know how Rudolph went from reindeer outcast to leader of Santa's sleigh.
Joe: Hey Larry, didn't Gary Larson retire?
Larry: Yeah years ago why?
Joe: Well I think he's taken up cake decorating.
Larry: What makes you say...oh!
Oh, Rule 34, why must you ruin everything?
"It looks like even the naughty boys and girls will be getting toys this year."
Remember, kiddies. Never drink the punch at the office Christmas party. Never (especially if you got carried away when you spiked it).
Just how did you think he got so jolly, anyway?
OR
Poor Rudolph. He DID join in some reindeer games. Just not the kind you thought.
"This is what happens when you don't let them join in the reindeer games."
*shudder* There are simply no words! I'm glad my son wasn't looking over my shoulder! lol
There, there... lie down... let Santa show you his favorite reindeer game...
After one too many "take a shot after every house" reindeer drinking games, it was agreed that drinking and flying off roofs would no longer be allowed as it posed a hazzard for all concerned, including all those grandmas.
Santa had long suspected how Rudolph got 'lit', but could never prove it -- until now.
"Rudolph, I told you not to go out for the 2011 Reindeer Games because of this hoof of yours. Did you listen? Nooooo! Now you're drunk, besides! You know what this means -- decades of syndication as a character in a stop-motion cartoon based on the world's second-worst earworm of a song, which you'll commission in a sorry effort to explain yourself.
Are you even aware how this little scene we're in right now looks? The wreckerator was so shaken that they wrote what looks like 'Merry Ghristmas'! Jen's having a contest about it over at Cake Wrecks! 'Ho-ho-ho' indeed -- I'm going to start a very different sort of list, and you're at the top of it!"
Caption (To the tune of the Waitresses' 'Merry Christmas'): "That Christmas magic's brought this tale to a very 'happy ending'. "
Well Rudolph, after this I think we both deserve coal in our stockings.
Well, Santa only comes once a year...
(sorry...there's nothing clean that can come out of this)