You Want Vagina Cakes? I'LL GIVE YOU VAGINA CAKES.
October 25, 2013 WARNING:
This post is so completely not-safe-for-work that I advise waiting til you get home, clearing the area of innocents, and then blinding yourself with Tabasco sauce before proceeding.
Did I mention this post is NSFW? And, like, super gross?
Yes?
Ok.
I notice you're still scrolling.
Last chance to turn back!
Fine.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
******
I'm not usually one to bow to peer pressure, peeps, but this past week it seems all anyone is talking about are vagina cakes. Suddenly reporters are clamoring at my inbox again, demanding to know my "favorite vagina cake" and the best resuscitation techniques for scandalized mothers-in-law. Major websites are plundering Pinterest and posting as many strawberry-filled, chocolate sprinkles sprinkled hoo-haws as they can find, with captions like "EMPOWERING OR ICKY? ONE TODDLER FINDS OUT."
I blame myself.
And Stephen Fry.
So I've held out as long as I can, really, I have. But the time has come. Yes, the people want what the people want, and I am here to give it to those people.
Plus, these other vagina cakes everyone's posting? Puh-LEASE. Those things are NOTHING - NOTHING - compared to what I'm faced with on a daily basis.
So today, you guys get to feel my pain. Today the gloves - and the censor bars - come off.
Presenting:
The Top 9 Completely Not-Safe-For-Work, Thoroughly Traumatizing, (Sort of) Anatomically Correct and Most Horrendously Graphic Vagina Cakes Of All Time... SO FAR.
You've seen the rest. Now see the most horrifying.
I'll ease you in with a couple of nice, safe examples:
;)
HIYA.
If you turn your head to the side, this next one could almost be that Beetlejuice shrunken-head guy shrugging while wearing a turtleneck:
;)
You totally see it, don't you.
Now, the overhead view:
;)
(Well, technically it's the "underbum" view, but let's not split lips hairs.)
Oh, and you'll soon learn to appreciate the lack of strawberry jam.
;)
(By Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes)
See?
If you squint a little, you might be able to convince yourself this next one is just a demon baby enjoying a nice hot tub filled with bloody entrails:
;)
Best not to dwell too long on the curly pig-tail thing, though.
Believe it or not, I'm pretty sure demon baby up there is the only homemade vagina cake on this list. Yep, professional bakers are downright PROUD of their crowning achievements, as evidenced by all the nicely photographed and watermarked variations popping up (and out):
;)
Please, bakers. NO MORE HAND OUTS.
In fact, Jo Norton of Just JoJos was all too eager to tell me she was inspired by this very blog to make... [swallowing]...to make... [deep breath]... THIS:
;)
That sound you just heard was me weep-gagging.
WEEP-GAGGING FOREVER.
Also: I KNEW IT. I KNEW bakers were getting inspiration from the wrecks I post. [fist pump] HA!
[sitting back down]
Granted, this is a somewhat hollow victory...
I've been hanging on to this next cake for literally YEARS, figuring if I ever wanted to shut down the blog in a blaze of phallus-filled, amniotic fluid soaked glory, this was my surefire ticket out:
;)
BOOM, BABY.
And yet, that dong-a-riffic, anatomically impossible horror fest up there STILL isn't the worst.
The worst is just SO worse, my friends, that I'm going to give you one more chance to walk away. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF STAYPUFT, WALK... AWAY.
You're still scrolling.
[sigh] Ok. Sorry.
;)
I SAID I WAS SORRY.
(It's mostly made of marzipan. Does that help? No? Yeah, didn't think so.)
Rain down your curses and dry heaves upon Libbie A., Anony M., Brenna, Mary C., Mel M., Jo N., Allie C., and Heather B. for bringing us today's inspiration to skip lunch. And dinner. And all food for ever and all time.
Reader Comments (199)
Seems like a good time
to mutate into something
more oviparous.
This also seems a good time to show Jen some love. So my gratitude to Jen and every person involved in making Cake Wrecks a fun and wonderful place to play.
Sung to "Volare"
Vaginae, oh no!
So shin-ay, wo, wo, wo, WHOA!!!
New Mommies are shrieking out loud
The bakers profess to be proud...
(I'm gonna stop there, for all our peace of minds...)
*hrrk!* Oh...there goes breakfast. All over the keyboard. You warned me not to look at work, but I did not heed.
All I can say is WHY?????
Why would someone order that? WHY????
No - No - and HELL NO!!! The warnings just suck me in.......after all, how bad can a cake really be???? Why did I scroll with actual anticipation of what was so come!
Have you...lost your mind?
;-)
ohhhh....I should have listened to your warning....I. Am. Scarred.
ohhhh....I should have listened to your warning....I. Am. Scarred.
I will never look at babies in the same way ever again.
eewwwww !!!! (that's all I have to say)
OMG! I was scrolling down and almost missed it, but then about shrieked when I noticed that the phallic vagina cake baby head is on the wrong way. That baby's head will be upside down! And then there was that last cake, which just made me shudder and want to curl into the fetal position.
I... I don't understand...
There's a head. No body. Feet coming out. I... I just...
*sucking thumb and rocking back and forth in the corner*
I'm speechless, for once.
Putting to the side (if we possibly can) the question of why on God's Green Earth anyone would want to make such a thing and make it edible, could someone explain the anatomy of the last one? It appears that we have a breach baby coming out feet first and being delivered by C-section at the same time, meaning that the baby is a serious contortionist about three feet long. Am I right?
CANNOT UNSEE!! I know you warned me, but being a long time CW reader, I thought I could handle it.
I was wrong.
So glad my baby-making years are over.
Man. After seeing you speak in St. Louis, I was positive you wouldn't post these pictures! But when that is rolling around in your memory banks, I figure you have to share to just release the pressure! And now I have an urge to share a mental image I acquired in Key West last week. But I will keep it classy!
Funny as always, though. Love your humor!
D:
What the hell?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ok, they are all horrific....but that last one....what? I just....umm...ya got me. There are seriously no words for that!
Yeah, okay.What EVER. I have had three C-sections. ALL three babies came out fine. ALL of them are still fine. Not ONE of them came out in the way that last abomination is depicted, and could NEVER have, since it is physically IMPOSSIBLE. What a bunch of MORONS. there truly is no limit to the idiocy. And yet, these things are actually PAID money for???? =^e.e^=
I want sprinkles.
I'm scared for life.LOL why do people order stuff like this.
I knew I was in trouble when the strawberry-glazed-head encore was meant to ease us in to the horror. There must be a special ring of Hell waiting for these bakers.
I have a deep admiration for the massive amount of bravery you must have to open your emails.
I can only assume a serial killer/misogynistic mad scientist/aspiring cannibal ordered that last cake-o-horror.
I can't figure out how the baby was decapitated before it was born. Or are there multiple newborns and laboring women being dismembered by the afore mentioned maniac?
UNLESS...maybe it was meant as a teen pregnancy deterrent. I think the bloody toes jutting jauntily out of a realistic marzipan hoo-ha might have effectively scared me into permanent celibacy, even if I wasn't forced to eat it as dessert.
I've given birth six times and had one c-section (the youngest decided to not only break the mold, but make his entrance in the most dramariffic way possible). I never wanted to see any of the blessed events memorialized in cake. But nobody cares what I want, go ahead, you're just going to do whatever YOU want anyways.
Practicing my mother-in-law guilt trips for when the spawn inevitably leave the nest. How am I doing?
So is the last cake depicting twins (each one coming out different ways)?
Glad i've been at the other end if these are anywhere true to life.... :) So glad i don't have to worry about this, we're not into baby showers around here. SEriously... eeeeewwwww~
Why? was my first response also. I suppose someone, somewhere thinks it's funny?
On the last, impossible, one, is there writing on the bottom portion of the leg? What could anyone write, other than apologies . . . ?
Ick ick ick ick ICK!!!
I'm afraid to ask but I can't get this question out of my mind...WHAT did they use for the hair on that last cake?!!! It looks extremely realistic.
I am watching "The Omen" this morning while reading this. And as soon as I got to the demon baby cake, the spear went through the priest in the graveyard. Coincidence? I think not. He probably saw these cakes and prayed for release.
I cannot imagine myself ever consuming one of these cakes. I think these cakes should be used in sex education classes. Best and most effective birth control ever.
That last cake: Aside from the physical impossibility of a baby being born like this, why did they put newspaper on the ends of the legs? Why not just more delicious frosting?
Thank you for your bravery in posting this, and all the warnings. Fortunately, I work at home so none needed.
I second Katherine D: D: how is that a subject for cakes, HOW ?!?!?!?!?!
Is it bad that the thing that disturbs me the most about these cakes is the inclusion of *pubic hair*?!
Oh, I can't wait for my children to start squeezing out babies. Perfect revenge for all those years of child rearing (and will really give them something to talk to their therapists about.) I can just visualize it - "don't worry dears, I'll bring the cake for the shower" bwaa-hahahahahahahahaha!
EEEEEEWWWW, I am a masochist and looked once more!
Is that ejaculate on cake #8?! Tacky tacky tacky!!!!!!
HRRRK
Yeah -- I'm with the rest of you. WHY???? Why on God's green earth would 1) someone WANT a cake like that and 2) a baker would PLAN TO MAKE that cake?? Just.... WHY?
Jen -- every day I grow more in awe not only of your writing and comedy skills, but your bravery.
Maybe you can be a little less brave, hmmm??
wow...i...ah...yeah...ummm...so, how about that World Series?!!
I'm not sure this is what was in the minds of our Founding Fathers when 'Freedom of Speech' was codified, but I want to applaud you Jen for attempting to exorcise the demons from your in-box!
Now, where did I leave the eye-bleach?!!
You used the first cake as the last most horrific cake in another post some weeks back. I stated that it was the most horrible cake I had ever seen. But now....you've outdone yourself. These are indeed the most awful cakes I've had the displeasure of crossing my corneas. When they are cut do people shout "I'll take some vulva!" or "Save the clitoris for me!"? ***shudder***
In for a penny, in for a pound. To the tune of that beautiful little song done so tenderly by Harry Belafonte, Jim Reeves, the Kingston Trio and so many others: “Scarlet Ribbons”
“Chocolate Sprinkles”
Once, a baker making cake,
Big vagina lying there,
He had used some chocolate sprinkles,
Chocolate sprinkles for the hair.
Childbirth shown in all its gory,
Lady parts were laying bare,
But worst of all were chocolate sprinkles,
Chocolate sprinkles for her hair.
Suddenly, my stomach churning,
My esophagus was burning….
I peeked again and sure enough,
In gay profusion laying there,
Chocolate sprinkles, chocolate sprinkles
Chocolate sprinkles for her hair.
If I live to be a hundred
I will never know from where
He got the idea that chocolate sprinkles
Look like women’s pubic hair.
"Mostly marzipan?" MOSTLY MARZIPAN???? What does that do for the last cake? Severed hands holding a severed baby head while the rest of the baby is .... ugh. I think it would be a sick sort of party to serve that cake. Completely tasteless. Jen, usually your warnings are just the warm-up for the hilarity, but I think Lorie is right. You are brave to continue this blog if these are what you see in your e-mail. Shame on those bakers. SHAME!
Hmm, on second thought, maybe these are good for birth-control use - if you can get past the whole anatomically-impossible thing.
I will never ever again eat chocolate sprinkles. I was pretty sure about this fact before but this post confirmed it.
The phallic one just gets worse the longer you look at it. O.O Yes @Jodi, I think you're right. **gag** Because of course every expectant mother wants THAT on her cake! o.O
I'm so glad my baby making days are done.
I actually think #8 is darling. What, with the little phalli skewered with candles and ([sqinting] are those intense sticks?...no, wait... sparklers?)...um, sparklers; that "special" phallus who's late to the party but still wanted to offer a, um, (ahem) contribution; and of course, the two phalli that passed out, presumably at the sight of the enormous emergent disembodied head.
There is just so much wrong going on. It's just cartoonish enough to make it hypnotic and awe-tastic rather than gory and gagalicious. Tacky, certainly. But epic in a "what just happened here" kind of way that just can't be replicated on purpose.
Now somebody get that wreckorator to a psych ward, stat.
@Jodi: If you look again, I think that in addition to the ejaculate, you’ll see that the white blob above the swimmers is mother’s milk. Thus, in a small, yet poignant way, in the midst of all the cake chaos, we see depicted here, with quiet simplicity, the Yin and Yang of the male/female life-giving components of conception and birth: ejaculate and lactate.
On Cake #6, both mother and child are disturbingly pale, as though they are members of an undead family. But, amazingly, that's not the worst: the child appears to be an incredible contortionist even in the womb and is sticking out an arm along with his feet to give a thumbs-up. I'm not sure why he/she feels the doctor needs such reassurance, but maybe you do when delivering vampires/ghouls.
Oh, the 8th cake! With its almost Hieronymus Bosch-like twisted cacophony of c*cks, a clock, and a crowning (not to mention the testicle-shriveling placement of the “happy birth” candles), makes one wonder if the time on the clock shouldn’t more appropriately be four-twenty…..
Well, I take back my original opinion, because ACTUALLY, the NEXT-to-last one is the one that is truly, creeperifically IMpossible. A head, just popping out -at THAT angle (?) with no neck (??) or (???).Eesh...give me a break, you idiots...a MAJOR break. Nice touch with the little lacy garters, though..and a page out of a book..(?). AND real pubes, by the looks...Fancy. Really dresses up the place. UNfreakingBelievable! That baker is one sick mf!! LOL!!! =^0.o^=
Like the song says, "Nothing could be finer than to see some big vaginas in the morning....."
Memorializing a birth in this fashion: Bad.
Lampooning birth with a demon baby cake: Okay, kinda funny. I want one. What?!??! (blinkblinkblink)... DON'T JUDGE ME!!!
Putting a timer and wires on the "special delivery": Disturbing.
"Celebrating" a traumatic breech birth which resulted in an emergency C-Section?
...
...
...
TASTELESS!!!!
Wow, you guys are all a bunch of lightweights. As soon as I saw the warning, I was thrilled. I couldn't wait to see the vaginas. Wait a minute...WHAT?! There's a baby in every single one?! Silly Jen! These aren't vagina cakes; these are birth cakes!
Anyway, none of them traumatized me or was anything other than funny and/or impressive. But, I've seen videos of quite a few births, and I gave birth to my son at home, so I'm no stranger to what birth looks like.
The baby in the "Good Luck Rachel" cake is really wonderful, but vaginas aren't floppy and flappy like that while giving birth; they're stretched all tight and thin to the max. Now, afterwards? Well, that's a different story. (You're welcome for that mental image.) See the Mamma Jamma cake? THAT's what a vagina looks like while giving birth. You can barely see vagina at all. Just baby head. I mean, the head is already out on the Rachel cake, and the head is only half out on the Mamma Jamma cake, but still. More stretching, less flapping, bakers. (You're welcome again.)
Also, I wish an obstetrician would chime in to set the record straight, but I think that there's not too much anatomically incorrect about that incredibly masterful marzipan sculpture. (The surgeon's hands are astounding.) If a baby starts coming out feet first (which is incredibly rare), and then gets hung up and can't be delivered vaginally, they have to do a cesarean section to pull the baby out that way. They can't just shove the feet back up in there, so it's not out-of-the-question that the head would be pulled from the incision while the feet are still hanging out of the vagina. The only thing wrong with that cake, I think, is that cesarean incisions are generally made much lower...just above the pubic bone...NOT at belly-button height. Maybe in an emergency, they cut higher though. Not sure. Obstetricians, where are you?
Oh, and for the people saying that the last baby would have to be some kind of scary contortionist, babies are extremely flexible. By nature, all their joints are very loose to keep them from being injured during the birth process. So, the head can be turned that way while the feet can look exactly like that, and the baby will be perfectly fine with all that. Now, the baby surrounded by dongs? Well, that one's head is definitely not attached to its body.
Jen, I think it's wonderful that you posted these cakes without censor bars. I enjoyed them immensely. My favorite part was the ejaculate on the boob, so if you could please post some penis cakes and sex cakes next, that would be great! HAHAHA!! Oh, and we need vagina cakes sans baby heads. The people who don't like it don't have to look. Seriously, did ANY of these horrified commenters ever take a biology or sex ed class?
Thanks for the birth cakes!! You made my day!
KW
Bwahahahahahaha. Ahahaha haha. Haha (laughter is to show you're not afraid. I'm not afraid. I'm not)