You Want Vagina Cakes? I'LL GIVE YOU VAGINA CAKES.
October 25, 2013 WARNING:
This post is so completely not-safe-for-work that I advise waiting til you get home, clearing the area of innocents, and then blinding yourself with Tabasco sauce before proceeding.
Did I mention this post is NSFW? And, like, super gross?
Yes?
Ok.
I notice you're still scrolling.
Last chance to turn back!
Fine.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
******
I'm not usually one to bow to peer pressure, peeps, but this past week it seems all anyone is talking about are vagina cakes. Suddenly reporters are clamoring at my inbox again, demanding to know my "favorite vagina cake" and the best resuscitation techniques for scandalized mothers-in-law. Major websites are plundering Pinterest and posting as many strawberry-filled, chocolate sprinkles sprinkled hoo-haws as they can find, with captions like "EMPOWERING OR ICKY? ONE TODDLER FINDS OUT."
I blame myself.
And Stephen Fry.
So I've held out as long as I can, really, I have. But the time has come. Yes, the people want what the people want, and I am here to give it to those people.
Plus, these other vagina cakes everyone's posting? Puh-LEASE. Those things are NOTHING - NOTHING - compared to what I'm faced with on a daily basis.
So today, you guys get to feel my pain. Today the gloves - and the censor bars - come off.
Presenting:
The Top 9 Completely Not-Safe-For-Work, Thoroughly Traumatizing, (Sort of) Anatomically Correct and Most Horrendously Graphic Vagina Cakes Of All Time... SO FAR.
You've seen the rest. Now see the most horrifying.
I'll ease you in with a couple of nice, safe examples:
;)
HIYA.
If you turn your head to the side, this next one could almost be that Beetlejuice shrunken-head guy shrugging while wearing a turtleneck:
;)
You totally see it, don't you.
Now, the overhead view:
;)
(Well, technically it's the "underbum" view, but let's not split lips hairs.)
Oh, and you'll soon learn to appreciate the lack of strawberry jam.
;)
(By Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes)
See?
If you squint a little, you might be able to convince yourself this next one is just a demon baby enjoying a nice hot tub filled with bloody entrails:
;)
Best not to dwell too long on the curly pig-tail thing, though.
Believe it or not, I'm pretty sure demon baby up there is the only homemade vagina cake on this list. Yep, professional bakers are downright PROUD of their crowning achievements, as evidenced by all the nicely photographed and watermarked variations popping up (and out):
;)
Please, bakers. NO MORE HAND OUTS.
In fact, Jo Norton of Just JoJos was all too eager to tell me she was inspired by this very blog to make... [swallowing]...to make... [deep breath]... THIS:
;)
That sound you just heard was me weep-gagging.
WEEP-GAGGING FOREVER.
Also: I KNEW IT. I KNEW bakers were getting inspiration from the wrecks I post. [fist pump] HA!
[sitting back down]
Granted, this is a somewhat hollow victory...
I've been hanging on to this next cake for literally YEARS, figuring if I ever wanted to shut down the blog in a blaze of phallus-filled, amniotic fluid soaked glory, this was my surefire ticket out:
;)
BOOM, BABY.
And yet, that dong-a-riffic, anatomically impossible horror fest up there STILL isn't the worst.
The worst is just SO worse, my friends, that I'm going to give you one more chance to walk away. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF STAYPUFT, WALK... AWAY.
You're still scrolling.
[sigh] Ok. Sorry.
;)
I SAID I WAS SORRY.
(It's mostly made of marzipan. Does that help? No? Yeah, didn't think so.)
Rain down your curses and dry heaves upon Libbie A., Anony M., Brenna, Mary C., Mel M., Jo N., Allie C., and Heather B. for bringing us today's inspiration to skip lunch. And dinner. And all food for ever and all time.
Reader Comments (199)
So now that done, and none of us will ever have a full night's sleep again, I think it's time for the next big thing: Funeral Cakes.
Funeral cakes depicting autopsies.
Funeral cakes depicting the embalming and preparation of the recently deceased.
Funeral cakes depicting the embalming and preparation of the not all that recently deceased.
Yummy.
Oh, does anyone know what's written on the last cake's leg stump. Is it directions for making the cake? Could it be directions for performing an emergency C-section. Directions for getting to sleep after seeing the cake...?
So I saw lots of vulvas but not a single vagina... What a let down!
Even more horrifying than this post, I was gasping as I was scrolling...so my family wanted to see what all the fuss was about. My 16 year old daughter was thoroughly disgusted, and says "why would someone even make that?" we (my husband, and 17 year old son) all stare at her blankly...then she says "who wants to eat vagina anyway??", insert awkward silence, followed by incredible laughter!!!
P.S. totally see the beetle juice reference!
Oh my goodness -- we've all been so busy being grossed out nobody noticed til now (because I had to look again, like a looky-loo at a car wreck) that baby #2 is painted in (chocolate?) black face!! They missed the eye lids. Yikes! Adds a whole nuther level of wrong -- as if all the other levels weren't enough!?
I read the warnings. I read further. I scrolled through the pictures as fast as I could.
Not fast enough. What is WITH people!?! Why, oh why would you want one of these at a party?
Why? Just why?
So many disturbing things about the last one. I do think it's meant to depict twins being born. I found the paper things at the end of the doctor's wrists hilarious--they remind me of those frilly paper things they put on turkey legs to make them look fancy. The doctor's hands are scary realistic. And why is there paper with typed words on the ends of the mom's legs? I wish someone had been around to record my reactions as I saw that cake--starting with confusion, then shock, then disgust, then a snort of disbelieving laughter.
Wondering how many of these cakes didn't get eaten because of their unappealing appearance...
Weep-gagging right along with you, Jen. Weep-gagging right along with you!
Cake #1 = Daw, look at that cute little doll face all covered in strawberry jam!
Cake #2 = Doesn't it look like the baby is coming out her shoulders not her nethers?
Cake #3 = Mom is about 2 weeks late for her shaving routine. Good luck Vicky! Good luck getting this image out of your mind.
Cake #4 = Oh yeah, making it MORE anatomically correct makes it so much...*gag*...better!
Cake #5 = I have never given birth myself, but this is how I imagine it would feel. Bad demon baby! BTW, can't stop staring at the curly pig tail thing. Thanks Jen for pointing THAT out!
Cake #6 = The stretch marks, the pubic thatch, the lips and clit...so much for this baker to be proud of! Yeah, put your name on that picture, 'cause that's what you want to be remembered for!
Cake #7= I actually think the baby's head is hilarious. Those flappy flaps are not! Ugh! But it does give me the idea that they should make cakes of the mother's face while she's giving birth. Now that would be funny!
Cake #8 (suppressing gag reflex) I actually think this one is much more disturbing than the last one. The head is as big as the belly. The head is upside-down. The head is so gargantuan that the vajayjay had to open up within an inch of the belly button...wtf? And don't even get me started on all the little johnsons surrounding this cake. And let's not leave out the one that squirted all over the boob. *gag* *weep* *gag* The nipples are freaking me out. And what's with the dynamite? I know in Gilmore Girls Lorelai says that giving birth is something akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite but this dynamite is in the wrong location for that. Now THAT would be a funny cake!
Cake #9 = The. hair. looks. real. *gag* *gag* *weep* *gnash teeth* The. severed. hands. look. real. *shudder* She. is. wearing. lace. garters. wtf?
Thank God there weren't 10 cakes! My gag reflex couldn't take any more! More gag-weeping ensues. I've lost all hope for the human race.
On a happier note. @ Sharyn and @ mel, some of your best work. Ever.
Ewwwwwwwww why did I look? XD
I am never eating cherries or black sprinkles ever again. D:
Nasty!!!! lol
I see TXRed! Have you been commenting recently? If so, I've been missing it. Glad to see you again!
It is hard to breath because I am vomiting so hard
First of all, I'm not sure why the customer or the baker of cake #4 thought it was a good idea to make a graphically realistic birth cake, but it's disgusting. Between the angle and the "details", it's just yucky! Blech.
Secondly, I concur with all the observations regarding cake #8: That monstrosity is even worse! And disgusting! And gross! Jen, your quote about mothers-in-law falling into a dead faint is spot-on, and the grandmas would have the same reaction, if not worse.
And that last abomination? Hrrrk.
Now, my final question: Who thinks that any party guest would step foot near any of these cakes, much less eat a piece of one? The disgusting grossness aside, it's a waste of good cake when it's presented this way, and an unsuspecting hostess may actually be PLANNING to serve her guests dessert. This whole cake genre boggles my mind on so many levels...
the last cake was nasty but well made nasty which is sad that the baker has some skill and chose to do that with them sigh
I am a rather stoic, male, fifty-one year old factory worker, who was once a volunteer ambulance attendant. I have seen my share of blood, guts, gore, and pain.
I openly admit I shrieked in horror at that last cake.
Well played, Jen. Well played.
To the poster who asked if anyone who'd commented had ever taken a biology course: Yes, I have. It was back in high school, but I think that counts since human reproduction was included as part of the course. It still doesn't mean I won't get the willies while looking at cakes like these. Also, I think my ovaries went on strike.
What I wonder is how demon-baby mama kept that baby in there while walking around with the Grand Canyon for a hoo-ha? I would say it's a needlessly large vertical c-section, but that would negate the squiggly pig-tail thing we should not think about.
@Jeanette, great catch on that upside-down head!
Actually, Jen, I have to say thank you for posting this. Usually, after viewing this site, I get a horrible craving for cake - which makes sticking to my diet tough, to say the least. However, after viewing today's entries, I won't be eating for the rest of today - and probably won't eat tomorrow and the next day as well!
I am curious about the circumstances of the last cake and the purpose for which it was created. I have seen more c-sections than I care to remember, and this does not look like a c-section to me. It looks more like a crime. Although certainly the baker has technical skill to make this cake appear as life-like as it does, it really looks more like one of those horrible "womb-raiding" crimes you read about. 1. No gloves on the hands 2. The baby's head appears to be being delivered through the belly button 3. No surgical drapes or retractor.
Okay, so I admit I am a little jaded and these did not bother me at all. The first thing I thought of when I saw Cake #4 was, Good Lord, that kid has a huge nose! Also, if you look at cake 8, it looks like the head is wearing a hat. A really twisted Mickey Mouse hat. Seriously, look at it!
Well...I was thinking about having kids.
WAS.
I have utterly, decisively changed my mind. Forever.
Now excuse me while I go slam a whole bottle of Brain Bleach. WHY didn't I LISTEN...
who the frell came up with the idea of these kind of cakes?!
D: O: I was warned and still I had to see. Now I will never ever have to worry about having kids since my husband looked over and I didn't get a chance to warn him lmao. Oh dear. Thanks wreckerators for once more being a great birth control method.. yikes.
Being a virgin chick with no love life to speak of, I can say that I have never had any babies. That being said, I have taken sex-ed, and have a basic idea of anatomy, along with having watched and occasionally helped on a troubled birthing for a cow (rancher's granddaughter, yay.)
Now while I find myself horrified by the lack of....lets go with class, on the baker's part, I find myself unable to look away. Much like with a car-wreck, my Asperger brain refuses to let me leave, but rather I stare and inspect and try to piece the sheer insanity of this cake.
My first observation: ....this baker has mad skills, we can all agree to that, look at the extreme realism they tried to employ on the baby's face and the disembodied wrinkled-old-man-hands, and the blood, and the pubic hair....that I really REALLY hope is spun sugar. Those old-timer Thing hands look freakin' REAL, as does the baby's face (though not a baby coming right out as from what I've seen with baby mammals they're gooey and coated in fluid and I think human babies are like red coming out right?), but still, the realism is THERE. So, why in this mad-skill-realism-fest, does the baker totally blow their skills off with this physically impossible positioning? Unless there are 2 babies being birthed, that baby has to either be severed at the waist, or...that's a giant baby with a skill of contortionist that has yet to ever be seen O_O I was told they had to c-section me out cause my head was too big to go through my mom's hips, and if that baby is that gigantic....it's gotta be a darn snake!! There is NO way the feet can already be sticking out, lets not even try to figure out what happened to the woman's hips!
My second observation: ...in this whole gore-fest......WHY does the mother have lace stapled onto her thighs in garter belt style?? O____o...and why are the disembodied hands wearing dress-shirt cuffs? They're too tight to be doctor-lab or scrub cuffs....that's a DRESS shirt cuff. Is this some wedding night horror where the new groom has to deliver his babies out of his new, (but way pregger) wife right after being poked through the aisle with a shotgun in his back??......And if so, that is one HECK of an old man, look at the wrinkles on his hands O_O;; Is the doc/groom/man-handler like 70?! Is this some creepy polygamist cult home-birth baby from their 16 year old new wife #23?
Third observation: .....Oh....my....Sweet Jesus.....that is NOT spun sugar O______O
Fourth observation: There is a LIST OF INGREDIENTS on the inside of the woman's freaking thigh!! What the heck does it say? The souls of all contortionist babies and the tears of all the now newly blind? Or maybe it's instructions that say 'Do not throw up directly on piece, or on baker.'
Fifth observation: O_____o...there are bloody fingerprints on the inside of her leg.....Yup, this is definitely some freaky crap going on....I was trying to ignore the fact the disembodied Thing-hands had no gloves on, but I cannot any longer! T______T GLOVES MAN THERE ARE GERMS THERE!
KW said: "Wow, you guys are all a bunch of lightweights. As soon as I saw the warning, I was thrilled. I couldn't wait to see the vaginas. Wait a minute...WHAT?! There's a baby in every single one?! Silly Jen! These aren't vagina cakes; these are birth cakes!"
Inorite?! Here I was, all ready for some cooter cakes, and I got slimey baby heads! However, I am glad to have finally seen Those Unpostable Birth Cakes, in uncensored form; now we know the answer to "How bad can they be, really?" Poor Jen, is it any wonder you needed a respite?
I'd like to point out to all and sundry that although I am a notoriously kinky weirdo, I did not even notice the spooge on the boob until you lot brought it up and made me scroll back. THANKS FOR THAT, YOU LOT.
Ah, Stephen Fry, that mad genius of comedy, how I love him. His tweeting that cake reminds me of the funniest thing I ever heard him say; when asked exactly when he knew he was gay, he replied that he knew it upon his birth, when he looked back at where he'd just emerged from and thought, "Well! That's the last I'll be seeing of one of THOSE!"
BRING ON THE WANG CAKES! WITH GREAT BIG BULGY YARBLES! EQUAL TIME TO SPREAD THE HORROR!
Your Pal,
Storm
The second last cake made me think of the carrot jockeys striking a pose.
Because nothing's better than making the guest of honor, a probably already nauseated and nervous pregnant woman, get sick and/or cry at her own shower. Party planning at its finest!
Ye Gods.
If Stephen Fry wasn't gay before seeing those cakes he would be now.
BRB, going to go get my tubes tied...
OMG! What is wrong with people! I've just had my breakfast!
WOW! That was just WOW! I think I miss the black out sections. I so cannot unsee that. Why would anyone want those as their cakes???
Yeah, not the ideal post for someone mere days away from delivering her first child... So, so traumatized. I'm very glad there were cupcakes with fall-themed toppings (think pumpkins and leaves) on them at my baby shower instead.
You've now totally ruined my chance of EVER getting grandchildren. Luckily my daughter is only 15 so perhaps in 10 years she'll get over this trauma. perhaps.
oh well, I'm not such a huge fan of kids anyway. ;)
Those are absolutely horrifically disgusting. I'm glad I never have to worry about getting surprised with something like that at a surprise party. Someone would honestly have gotten punched in the face over it. *gags a few times*
HOLY F**K WTF ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING!!??
I did not know I could be struck dumb by a cake... Or by anything... But today is a red letter day, my cake wrecky friend... Today we learn that I CAN be struck silent ... By these wrecktastrophes. I am speechless!!!
They are not so much VAGINA cakes, as birthing cakes, and pretty horrific ones, too, as in the well-executed (so to speak) Wooden Spoon one of the breach birth. Also the last, a cesarian section with the feet emerging as a breach birth and the head being dragged out the belly by aged (male?) hands. Who needs Texas Chainsaw Massacres?
Maybe real vagina cakes, with the vagina as the whole story and not a gory baby part hiding its glory, would be better. That was what I had been hoping to see as I scrolled down.
Once again, I am reminding myself that this is supposed to be a site that shows pictures of CAKES. You know, the things made of flour, sugar, eggs, vanilla, etc. etc.--the things that we EAT. Sometimes on special occasions we decorate them in appetizing ways so that people will smack their lips when it's served, and say, "ooh! Yummy! I want a slice!"
I don't want to eat something that looks like a gangrenous leg. I don't want to eat a pile of feces. I don't want to eat disembodied baby heads covered with effluvia. And I definitely don't want to eat whatever the hell that last cake was.
It's not being a lightweight or not understanding the miracle of childbirth. It's a simple matter of tastiness competing with tastelessness.
In the words of my student: "Hatred grew and festered like a sore, and was ready to bubbling and ready to boil over," and "excessive force was the meal of the day." Clearly her innate abilities tend to angry cookery.
Who wants a slice of vulva?
Well...this was a fun day!! Thanks, Jen!!! Now, on to SuBee's request......
@sandy: Thanks!
I'm always amazed at the new lows people will seek to prove themselves as unrefined and vulgar as possible. I'm so thankful my sister had the good taste and decency to give me a pretty cake that said "Congratulations" at my shower. While it may seem unimaginative, I was happy, and no one vomited.
Achievement Unlocked: ate dinner while reading this post.
I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry for you, Jen. People send you the worst things, and you bravely open your email every day.
On the other hand, I teach sex ed. Birth control lessons are going to be so easy with these pictures. The teens will not want to ever have sex again!!!
Jen, you weren't kidding about no censor bars, were you? We can't say we weren't warned, anyway. I wouldn't say I'm traumatized, just vaguely disgusted. The ick factor is strong with these cakes.
I actually understand the bakers better than the customers: for a lot of the bakers they probably do it because they can (or think they can) and because someone ordered a cake like that. As for why anyone would want/order one of these cakes.... I dunno. Apparently my definition of "good taste" is not in the same ballpark.
.
.
@mel, once "Scarlet Ribbons" gets stuck in my head it tends to stay there for a while, and now it will be "Chocolate Sprinkles" instead. Gee, thanks. :p
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#2 - The Beetlejuice (I'm only saying it once) thing works for me - otherwise the belly button & bulge seem to be on the wrong end. Also, @Jodi, I think you're correct about the baby being painted in chocolate, incompletely. :(
#6 - I see a hand, a foot...and a paw?!
#7 - Arrows for eyes - doesn't that usually mean a cartoon character is (1) drunk or (2) dead?
#8 - That must have been some party. And @Cindi, you mean Jen missed a hidden Mickey? I wonder what distracted her?
#9 - What, no gloves? With cuffs like that, where are the cufflinks? And how long are this guy's arms anyway? Where exactly is he standing?
.
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Jen, I love what you do and have a new appreciation for what you suffer though to provide us with cakey fun and snarky commentary. I hereby promise never to send you any pictures of hoo-ha cakes unless (somehow or other) they're so side-splittingly funny I just can't stand it - but I don't see that ever happening. It looks like you've got plenty of cakes to horrify you & gross you out without any help from me!
Hang in there.
I am REALLY looking forward to Sunday Sweets!!!
Thank you, Jen. Thank you, so very much.
The next time (hell, the next TWENTY times) I see a post mocking males for having had the audacity to think they could design a groom's cake, or indeed, take any part in any creative decision whatsoever, I will link this specific post in response. As Ms "Brain! Brain! WHAT is Brain?" once put it, I am indeed grateful for "that which you have so thoughtfully provided."
What does it say about me, that I find the "surgeon's" lack of gloves in the last cake to be the most disturbing aspect?
I'm slighty traumatized by that - yet - am going to share this to EVERYONE I can ... specially the pregnant ladies I know!!
AMAZING post!!! You all deserve serious quoddoes for this post ... and the crazy ass cake bakers out there who made those ... need some meds! :)
Love it! These are some amazing cakes and I am not grossed out. When you think about it, there are so many creatures in the animal kingdom that eat their own placentas/offspring/etc so cakes like this must fulfill some kind of deep primal urge. Very cool! Thanks for sharing.
@hyphen8: sorry... I don't know what came over me...that song just popped into my head when I saw the cakes...I felt bad about using such a sweet song...but not for long.... :-)
Holy crap, that last one looks like one of those horrifying pictures of late-term abortions. Yikes!