You Want Vagina Cakes? I'LL GIVE YOU VAGINA CAKES.
October 25, 2013 WARNING:
This post is so completely not-safe-for-work that I advise waiting til you get home, clearing the area of innocents, and then blinding yourself with Tabasco sauce before proceeding.
Did I mention this post is NSFW? And, like, super gross?
Yes?
Ok.
I notice you're still scrolling.
Last chance to turn back!
Fine.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
******
I'm not usually one to bow to peer pressure, peeps, but this past week it seems all anyone is talking about are vagina cakes. Suddenly reporters are clamoring at my inbox again, demanding to know my "favorite vagina cake" and the best resuscitation techniques for scandalized mothers-in-law. Major websites are plundering Pinterest and posting as many strawberry-filled, chocolate sprinkles sprinkled hoo-haws as they can find, with captions like "EMPOWERING OR ICKY? ONE TODDLER FINDS OUT."
I blame myself.
And Stephen Fry.
So I've held out as long as I can, really, I have. But the time has come. Yes, the people want what the people want, and I am here to give it to those people.
Plus, these other vagina cakes everyone's posting? Puh-LEASE. Those things are NOTHING - NOTHING - compared to what I'm faced with on a daily basis.
So today, you guys get to feel my pain. Today the gloves - and the censor bars - come off.
Presenting:
The Top 9 Completely Not-Safe-For-Work, Thoroughly Traumatizing, (Sort of) Anatomically Correct and Most Horrendously Graphic Vagina Cakes Of All Time... SO FAR.
You've seen the rest. Now see the most horrifying.
I'll ease you in with a couple of nice, safe examples:
;)
HIYA.
If you turn your head to the side, this next one could almost be that Beetlejuice shrunken-head guy shrugging while wearing a turtleneck:
;)
You totally see it, don't you.
Now, the overhead view:
;)
(Well, technically it's the "underbum" view, but let's not split lips hairs.)
Oh, and you'll soon learn to appreciate the lack of strawberry jam.
;)
(By Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes)
See?
If you squint a little, you might be able to convince yourself this next one is just a demon baby enjoying a nice hot tub filled with bloody entrails:
;)
Best not to dwell too long on the curly pig-tail thing, though.
Believe it or not, I'm pretty sure demon baby up there is the only homemade vagina cake on this list. Yep, professional bakers are downright PROUD of their crowning achievements, as evidenced by all the nicely photographed and watermarked variations popping up (and out):
;)
Please, bakers. NO MORE HAND OUTS.
In fact, Jo Norton of Just JoJos was all too eager to tell me she was inspired by this very blog to make... [swallowing]...to make... [deep breath]... THIS:
;)
That sound you just heard was me weep-gagging.
WEEP-GAGGING FOREVER.
Also: I KNEW IT. I KNEW bakers were getting inspiration from the wrecks I post. [fist pump] HA!
[sitting back down]
Granted, this is a somewhat hollow victory...
I've been hanging on to this next cake for literally YEARS, figuring if I ever wanted to shut down the blog in a blaze of phallus-filled, amniotic fluid soaked glory, this was my surefire ticket out:
;)
BOOM, BABY.
And yet, that dong-a-riffic, anatomically impossible horror fest up there STILL isn't the worst.
The worst is just SO worse, my friends, that I'm going to give you one more chance to walk away. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF STAYPUFT, WALK... AWAY.
You're still scrolling.
[sigh] Ok. Sorry.
;)
I SAID I WAS SORRY.
(It's mostly made of marzipan. Does that help? No? Yeah, didn't think so.)
Rain down your curses and dry heaves upon Libbie A., Anony M., Brenna, Mary C., Mel M., Jo N., Allie C., and Heather B. for bringing us today's inspiration to skip lunch. And dinner. And all food for ever and all time.
Reader Comments (199)
I've had two c-sections...I can almost make the contortions make sense. If someone the size of a tween was giving birth to someone the size of a toddler. What I cannot...not with a psych degree and a master's in theater, where anything goes...absolutely cannot make sense of is WHY. Why, why, dear father in Heaven, WHY?
I'm going to go eat a jar of marshmallow fluff and see if I can put myself into a nice diabetic coma until the mental pain wears off. I'm not diabetic, but it's worth a shot as we're out of vodka.
*Jaw drop*
Really?!
I don't understand how someone 1) would request and purchase a cake like this or 2) thinks, "Hey! That'd be an AWESOME cake to create! Now where's my strawberry jelly?!"
*Shaking head*
I am nearly speechless. Those are just awful. I can hardly wait for my kids (don't worry, they are adults! Although my daughter may think twice about wanting kids, and it might scar her brother!) to get up!
I can't imagine how I would have reacted getting cakes like those at my long-ago baby showers. What happened to the days when "good taste" meant not just the cake taste, but what the cake looks like?
I had three children, and never in my wildest imagination would I want to see photos or videos of what went on. When my son was a teenager (probably 15) his friend's mother was having a milestone birthday and my son was making a "this is your life" PowerPoint for her. Her husband provided the photos, which inexplicably included her giving birth! Now, who in his right mind would give a photo of his wife giving birth to his son, and a 15 year old boy, a friend of the family? My son did NOT use that photo!
Lmfao! That's priceless! I want to get pregnant so I have an excuse to order one of these!
I should have heeded the warnings. Adjectives fail me. The only thing that comes to mind is:
EWW.
However, many thanks to Jen and John for an awesome website!!
KW, I'm certain quite a few of the commenters not only took biology/sex ed classes, but probably have healthy sex lives, maybe even procreated a time or seven. Still doesn't mean anyone wants to see that in the form of a *cake* with realistic human body parts and birth/reproductive fluids.
Shoot, I am so far from a prude I've breastfed my children during church services, and even cooked with my own breast milk when occasion warranted (BABY FOOD people, not pastries for public consumption).
Still doesn't mean I want the whole reproductive process handed to me in cake form. Ever.
Thanks for the judgey-ness though, it made for a highly amusing read. Judgey-ness directed at commenters over perceived judgey-ness of horrifying-subject-matter cake, it's all so meta!
Oh God...
I love you big time, Jen! Happy Vagina Cakes Day! Hugs, girlfriend!
Considering I might actually be in labor right now, these are even more disgusting than normal! XD Not to worry, this isn't my first so I am not totally traumatized!
@KW:
We've taken biology and sex ed classes. Quite a few of us are mothers. I myself am a certified veterinary technician, which means I assist in surgery and have delivered my share of various species. We know the process and what the parts look like. However, it doesn't follow that we want to eat them.
And people wonder why I'm gay.
I need brain soap. STAT
I will never sleep again. And my diet suddenly became soooooo much easier! Wow!!!
I applaud your bravery for even looking at these yucky things! All those bakers should summarily be sent to the woodshed for a good caning and time to reflect what they've done!
I can never unsee this, NEVER.....
What I'm having problems with in cake #2. Why is she giving birth through her esophagus/throat?
Please. No more vagina cakes. Ick, eeewww and gross.
Also, does anyone else think it's poetic that #8 is a headless (and arm and legless) torso birthing a giant disembodied head? I'm sure there's some philosophical meaning that can be teased out of that.
I like to imagine that a few thousand years from now, future may have to piece together what we were like just by the images we leave behind. Absent of context, I wonder what they might make of that one!
What is the hair made out of on that last cake? It looks like real hair and that (on top of everything else gross about that cake) really makes that unappetizing...
Am I grossed out completely? Nah, you can do better. And I, quite frankly, find the use of the halloween demon baby prop in the one homemade cake to be utterly hilarious!
ugh
i was laughing at first.. thinking of fowarding to my newly preggers sister whos already scared.. then i got halfway.. and felt dizzy sick..
who thinks these are funny at a baby shower?!!?? nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
:(
I am honestly speechless...
I've never actually become nauseous looking at a cake before. Damn...
If I ever went to a party where a cake like these were on display, i would run away screaming. Also, I may never be able to eat jimmies again.
You really weren't kidding about that Tabasco, were you?
Bleach, I need bleach, someone please burn my eyes out.
And wtf is that last one? Dr hands holding the head, yet the body is nowhere to be seen.
Forget who the heck orders these things, who the heck would make one of these.
I thought, "The miracle of birth is supposed to be beautiful! How can cakes ruin that?"
Well done, Jen. Well done.
I think I shall forward this link to my kids (of semi adult nature) and label email.....
Birth Control.
You have lulled me into a false sense of confidence with every other warning you have ever given. I dry heaved at several of these, and I just watched my wife give actual birth only 5 days ago.
Many, many, many things are going through my head.
1. You brave, brave soul
2. Gross
3. Who would order such a thing?
4. Ewwww...
5. The strawberry jelly people need to know about this.
6. This is disgusting
7. The last one...does the baker even know how babies are born?
8. *shudders*
9. What does the baker in the last one use for the "hair" because it's a little too lifelike.
10. Barf.
Looking at these cakes in broader terms, I think this is nothing more than the increasingly crass and debase state of our society.
Amongst all the blood, gore, splaying and crowning and Bobbited voyeur penises, why is the thing that bothers me most the pointy teeth on the demon baby? And when did Thing and his pal qualify as obstetricians?
Stephen Fry has a lot to answer for...
MY EYES!!!!! IT Burns! WHY??? Why would you order this??? On my goodness.....
I'm so happy I am gay.
I literally just made that dry heave/gagging sound out loud. That's the most heinous thing I've ever seen on this blog!
Exemplars of bad taste. Where did we cross the line from celebratory cakes that look like cake to edible sculptures that approach pseudo-cannibalism? I blame Steel Magnolias and that armadillo cake for starting it all.
@mel: Let it hereby be known: I am calling that (what you wrote): mel's "Poignant-Chaos" Theory. Believe me, it came not a moment too soon, and was just what I needed to make some small semblance of sense of these atrocities. My pulse is already leveling out to almost normal....thank you! =^u.u^=
@Kat: Good for a start, but I think you'll want to lay it on a lot harder, or they won't even SEE you! Get your drama ON, woman!! Think like a martyr! Study Marie Barone! =^~.-^=
im all for quirky cakes but some of thes are just OTT :-P
wow. why would anyone want a vajaja cake?
Ptoeey!
Sorry. There was a hair on my cake.
I'm at work. I ignored the warnings, finger on the alt-tab trigger. I'm not an LOL type. I usually just smirk at really funny things. I was stifling hysterical laughter this entire post. Oh. my. god. So funny. So so funny.
What the holy hell was happening with that last cake????
WTH? Do people seriously do this? I can't even ... I have no words. Just eeeeeewwwwww.
(GAG) WHAT THE (GAG) ON MY G(GAG)
Jen this would have been perfect for your Halloween post!!!!Especially demon baby!!!
Otherwise the trauma is too great!!!
I hope to godness I am never invited to a baby shower that involves any kind of pregnant lady/birthing baby cake----and I will definitely refuse to ever create one!!!!
Nowif you'll excuse me, I'll go spray some carb cleaner in my eyes-maybe they'll fell better (the burn the burn!!)
*rocks back and forth*
I'minmyhappyplace...I'minmyhappyplace...I'minmyhappyplace...
*weeps*
(P.S. - Jen, I have this mental image of you opening some of these pictures, exclaiming "Oh Gawd!!!", and then diving under your desk.
Ew.
I took biology and sex ed etc. and while some of these are, um, masterful depictions, I agreee with those readers who just don't think the subject is appropriate for CAKE. Ejaculate on the boob? Ick. on a cake??!?! SUPER ICK. I'm not a prude either, and I don't need eye bleach, but these are just so...unappetizing. Like a slice of vernix-covered head? No? How about some labia then? Gaak!
I have a baby in me, and well--as if I'm not terrified enough already. Can't they invent some sort of Star Trek transporter technology where they just beam the baby out?
Thanks you Jen and the Cake Wreck team for this amusing post. I am not offended or repulsed, It is just cake after all. Just wish they would look at a few texts on child birth and work out which way a head crowns!
Love your work!
The comment rules say "be nice and don't swear," but those cakes weren't nice and I feel that swearing is the most appropriate reaction. :(
Add the possibility of receiving a cake even half as traumatic as these to the long list of reasons why I never want to have children.
This has shocked and amused me far more than anything else has for a long while. Way to put the amateurs in their places Jen - been utterly underwhelmed with the vag cakes circulating elsewhere!
I want my mommy.