We Wish You A...What Now?

I don't know why, but for some reason I'm just not sure what these bakers are trying to tell us...

Let's see. Santa is face down in a heap.

So...Merry Christmas?

Maybe it's better if we flip him over.

Nope.

And now, a seasonal tongue-twister:

Sam the snowman shot a sheet of snowy sleet!

Aaaand, repeat. (Three times fast, if you please.)

When it comes to wrecking cakes, this baker hits just above the belt:

Now, since there's obviously a space there for an inscription, I've been trying to come up with something appropriate.

Ho Ho...no.

And to all a good...no.

Jingle...no.

Er, yeah, I'll just have to get back to you.

Actually, this kinda works if you're Irish. Go on: say it out loud. In your best Colin Farrell voice. With a sexy wink. Oh yeeeeeah. This working for anyone else? Just me? Hey, I'm ok with that.

At least we can all agree that nothing conveys holiday cheer quite like an icing dog with Santa's head on his butt:

"Woof woof, b*tches."

And now, Rudolph of the red nose himself would like to wish you all the merriest of Christmases:

Rudolph?

RUDOLPH?!?

WHYEEE????

Uh, well, since Rudolph is...hung up... at the moment, let's just end with this:

Althoug I reall do'n se wha th proble i.

Thanks to A. L., Brannon M., Rob R., Mouse, Suzie T., Katelyn C., Kelly, & Kristin. May you all marry Christmas. Or have a Mary Christmas. Or, um, GOOD DAY.

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CCC Day #12

Free Wheelchair Mission is an international nonprofit dedicated to providing wheelchairs for the impoverished disabled in developing nations. It takes less than $60 to provide someone in need with a means of mobility.

Click here to donate your dollar.

(And thanks for sticking through our twelve days of giving, guys! You rock!)

For the Rest of Us

I realized Christmas might have become too commercialized when I sucker-punched that old guy in the Target electronics section. ("Hands off the XBOX KINECT, Gramps!!!!") Sure, he was just buying batteries for his hearing aid, but it made me think: maybe we've all become too materialistic around the holidays.

So, what's a disenfranchised Seinfeld fan to do?

Celebrate Festivus, of course!

Yep, I'm ditching my Christmas tree and putting up the ole' Festivus pole, because tinsel is distracting.

"Move it, Tinsel! You're blocking my holiday spirit!"

I'll chuck the Christmas ham and replace it with a traditional store-bought Pepperidge Farm cake covered with M&Ms:

Close enough.

I will then invite my family over and we will Air our Grievances, meaning we will publicly complain about all the things in the world that disappoint us... which may or may not include my family.

To which Mom might retaliate:

Because of the fishnets I wear over my peg-leg.

(Actually, come to think of it, we've been celebrating the Airing of Grievances for years.)

I'm swapping Christmas carols for the annual "Feats of Strength," where my family members will physically fight the head of household until she's been pinned. (Mom's a fighter.)

Or, in this case, the head of household will have sensual relations with the guy whose butt is falling off.

Finally, once we're drunken and bruised, we will celebrate the blessed wonders of the day:

It's a Festivus miracle!

Thanks to Rhiannon R., Anne B., Kristin S., Sue S., Natalie P., & Lauren K. And happy Festivus!

Now, stop crying and fight your father.

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CCC Day #11

Share Our Strength is a national organization here in the U.S. that works hard to make sure no kid in America grows up hungry.

Please click here to give your dollar.