Happy Hanu...Channa...Festival of Lights!

It's Chanukkah, everybody! I can't believe you didn't remember! I mean, I've known for... uh, weeks and... weeks. [poker face] And, naturally, since I knew this day was coming well in advance, I've been saving all the best Hanukah wrecks for this very moment.

Like... um...this one:

Now, Jen's the one with the Jewish roots, but I believe this is called a "men-OR-ah."

What's that, Jen? It's not a Hannnukah cake? But...but... it's blue and white!

Fine.

Everyone knows that Hanuchah is the Festival of Lights. So, um, here's a candle:

As you can see, it's very Jewish.

And here we have the great patriarch Moses, crying over the fact that the oil has run out for the holy Jewish lamps:

(For some reason Jen isn't looking very happy right now. Hm. Well, better just keep going.)

Channikah lasts 8 nights, of course, and each night the Ghost of Chawnucahs Past visits all the good little Jewish children...

(Ow! Stop that, Jen, I'm on a roll!) ...bearing holy Jewish Dream Catchers:

And finally, while Jen is busy nursing that headache, let's end with a traditional Hawnuka cake from the great Jewess herself, Sandra Lee:

Yes, I believe those are plastic pearl beads.

Um, Jen's just gone apoplectic, but through the screeching I think I heard something about showing you the video of Sandra making this culinary delight, so you can judge for yourself. So, here 'tis:

Huh. Well, after watching this, all I can say is: thank goodness marshmallows are kosher.

[Update: That was sarcasm; marshmallows aren't kosher. Unless they are. In which case, they would be kosher. Those, however, aren't kosher. Glad we cleared that up.]

Now to all of our awesome Jewish readers - who have even awesomer senses of humor - have an amazing Hanukkah. Also, Jen says to say that she didn't teach me any of this stuff. (Aw. She's so humble.)

Elizabeth B., Allison P., Shannon B., Annie P., and Alex M., I don't know why but now I totally have Hakuna Matata stuck in my head.

And now you do, too.

It means no wo-rrieees... for the rest of your daaaaaays...

Wreck and Roll

Ever thought it was IMPOSSIBLE to have all of your favorite 80s hits in one place? That there was simply NO WAY to hear all of the hottest artists together in one jam-packed jam session? That you could ever only enjoy that much music in some magical world, where thousands of songs could easily fit on a lightweight portable device? Well, you're right. (That would be CRAZY.) So until then, we're offering you the musical deal of a lifetime!!

That's right, with the "Wreckin' Rock Power Mix," you'll never miss a beat. This colossal power-collection comes delivered to your doorstep in 6 dominating power-boxes of 23 LPs or 39 power cassette tapes. That's 846 power-hits!

We'll include the tastiest of licks, like:

"Writing on Sunshine"

"I'm writing on sunshine, whoa-oh! I'm writing on sunshine, whoa-oh! And I bet it tastes good! HeH! Alright now!"

"Love is a Battlefield"

"We are strong! No one can tell us pink's wrong!"

"Dancing on the Ceiling"

"Ooh, what a feeling! When you're dancing on the... seriously, did you notice that this cake was written on upside-down? Really... look at it again."

"Hungry Like the Wolf"

"Lost in the bakery, too pink to hide. I'll cause a toothache right when you take a bite.
Do do dooo do do doo do do doo do do doo do dooo dooooooo."

"She Blinded Me With Science"

"She blinded me with science (SCIENCE!) and failed me in the bakery."

"Tainted Love"

"Sometimes I feel I've got to uhn uhn run away. I've got to uhn uhn get away from all the cupcake cakes you sell to me..."

"Let's Get Physical"

"Crack that whip!"

...and more! You'll never find a more rocktastic compilation of all of the best artists from yesterday and beyond. And if you call now, we'll also include a FREE bonus 8-track cassette of all of the best songs from the 70s! These songs will blast your earholes into another sound dimension!!

"Lean on Me"

"Lean on me... when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend. I'll help you caaarry severaltiersofcakeandfrosting. Andpossiblysomeprincessflotsam!"

"I Melt With You"

"I'll stop the world and melt this food. You've seen the Cake Wrecks, and they're getting better all the time."

and "Crocodile Rock."

"I remember when rock was young. Me and Suzy had so much... DEAR GOD, what IS that thing!?? AAAAAAAgggGHGHH! EEeeeAAAAGHHH!!"

Call now!

Other artists include Emily W., Cassandra B., and Becky W. in the hot 80s trio "The Wreckinettes." Bonus tracks by Susan A., Megan P., Sarah A., and Annie H. from the popular ballad band "Susan and The Wreckies." And of course, no compilation album would be complete without the greatest hits of top rocker hair band, "Possum Wreck Slashers," with vocal styling from Jessica E., Amanda H., and Rachel C. Rock on!!