You Want Vagina Cakes? I'LL GIVE YOU VAGINA CAKES.
March 23, 2018 WARNING:
This post is so completely not-safe-for-work that I advise waiting til you get home, clearing the area of innocents, and then blinding yourself with Tabasco sauce before proceeding.
Did I mention this post is NSFW? And, like, super gross?
Yes?
Ok.
I notice you're still scrolling.
Last chance to turn back!
Fine.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
******
I'm not usually one to bow to peer pressure, peeps, but this past week it seems all anyone is talking about are vagina cakes. Suddenly reporters are clamoring at my inbox again, demanding to know my "favorite vagina cake" and the best resuscitation techniques for scandalized mothers-in-law. Major websites are plundering Pinterest and posting as many strawberry-filled, chocolate sprinkles sprinkled hoo-haws as they can find, with captions like "EMPOWERING OR ICKY? ONE TODDLER FINDS OUT."
I blame myself.
And Stephen Fry.
So I've held out as long as I can, really, I have. But the time has come. Yes, the people want what the people want, and I am here to give it to those people.
Plus, these other vagina cakes everyone's posting? Puh-LEASE. Those things are NOTHING - NOTHING - compared to what I'm faced with on a daily basis.
So today, you guys get to feel my pain. Today the gloves - and the censor bars - come off.
Presenting:
The Top 9 Completely Not-Safe-For-Work, Thoroughly Traumatizing, (Sort of) Anatomically Correct and Most Horrendously Graphic Vagina Cakes Of All Time... SO FAR.
You've seen the rest. Now see the most horrifying.
I'll ease you in with a couple of nice, safe examples:
;)
HIYA.
If you turn your head to the side, this next one could almost be that Beetlejuice shrunken-head guy shrugging while wearing a turtleneck:
;)
You totally see it, don't you.
Now, the overhead view:
;)
(Well, technically it's the "underbum" view, but let's not split lips hairs.)
Oh, and you'll soon learn to appreciate the lack of strawberry jam.
;)
(By Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes)
See?
If you squint a little, you might be able to convince yourself this next one is just a demon baby enjoying a nice hot tub filled with bloody entrails:
;)
Best not to dwell too long on the curly pig-tail thing, though.
Believe it or not, I'm pretty sure demon baby up there is the only homemade vagina cake on this list. Yep, professional bakers are downright PROUD of their crowning achievements, as evidenced by all the nicely photographed and watermarked variations popping up (and out):
;)
Please, bakers. NO MORE HAND OUTS.
In fact, Jo Norton of Just JoJos was all too eager to tell me she was inspired by this very blog to make... [swallowing]...to make... [deep breath]... THIS:
;)
That sound you just heard was me weep-gagging.
WEEP-GAGGING FOREVER.
Also: I KNEW IT. I KNEW bakers were getting inspiration from the wrecks I post. [fist pump] HA!
[sitting back down]
Granted, this is a somewhat hollow victory...
I've been hanging on to this next cake for literally YEARS, figuring if I ever wanted to shut down the blog in a blaze of phallus-filled, amniotic fluid soaked glory, this was my surefire ticket out:
;)
BOOM, BABY.
And yet, that dong-a-riffic, anatomically impossible horror fest up there STILL isn't the worst.
The worst is just SO worse, my friends, that I'm going to give you one more chance to walk away. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF STAYPUFT, WALK... AWAY.
You're still scrolling.
[sigh] Ok. Sorry.
;)
I SAID I WAS SORRY.
(It's mostly made of marzipan. Does that help? No? Yeah, didn't think so.)
Rain down your curses and dry heaves upon Libbie A., Anony M., Brenna, Mary C., Mel M., Jo N., Allie C., and Heather B. for bringing us today's inspiration to skip lunch. And dinner. And all food for ever and all time.
*****
Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.
And from my other blog, Epbot:
Reader Comments (64)
Oh, good night, nurse! These are all hideous! The one by Wooden Spoons with both feet and one hand sticking out is a nightmare! Can you say "emergency C-section"?
OMFG
Wow..... and ALL this time, I thought NSFW meant "Not So F----ing Wonderful".
.......how about that?
=^-.-^=
Just...whyyyyyyy
Hahahaha the lace on the leg stumps on the last cake! It's like those little paper thingies you put on turkey legs!
I’d love to say this post was the crowning glory of your work, but you were right- it is nightmare inducing.
I’m going to go scrub down now. Thanks for the sweet birth control!
Thanks Jen, I'm going to lose 5lbs this weekend! For the first time in my life, I think I never want to eat again ...
That last one.... urgh.... how? what? The hair? It...urgh... looks...urgh... real...
(Deep breathing to work through the dry heaves...)
These make yesterday's babies downright adorable!
Please tell me that isn't real hair on the last one....please
https://giphy.com/gifs/nope-do-not-want-run-away-yMaLDA976YtUs
( Because , really , what else is there to say ? )
That second to last baby's head is on backwards.
Well. THAT was over the top.......that last one, with the newsprint. And the everything else that's inhumanly impossible. The head though....wow- well done!
Really have to HANDS it to them.
=^-.-^=
Why?! Whyyyyyyyyyy?!
These would be excellent ads for tubal ligation and vascetomies. "If you can't conceive, your relatives won't have any excuse to bring these horrors into your residence!"
Last cake (Hmmm. Was it Delivery, or was it Degiorno....?)
No logic . None . At. ALL.
WHY the lacy touches?
Why the NEWSPRINT?
(Wait, though, okay? I want to finish this article....).
=^~.-^=
I'm speechless. All I can do is shake my head ruefully.
Why does any "baker" even do this?
What the actual F? First of all for all of them, WHY GOD WHY? And then that last one, KILL IT WITH FIRE! How does anyone ever think these are a good idea? I mean, I've had five kids but I didn't even want pictures of my crowning achievement much less a cake. 😨😨🤢🤢😲😲 So much nope.
Wow I'm speechless
There is so much LOVE in my world for you.
*swoon*
I have forwarded this to others... ok, when I say that, it's mainly males... BWAHAHHAHAH
Oh. My. God. I will see the last one in my nightmares. Forever.
Eeww! Eeww! And dare I say eewwwwww! 😷
I have NEVER, EVER scrolled so fast in all my days!!!! There is a reason you need a mirror to see that!
Am I the only one to notice a very very dark baby coming out of a not so dark mommy in the second picture? Among all the grossness?
That last one -Have the bakers ever seen a real baby? The feet and the head are not "compatible"; there's no way you can DO that to the kid. Aaargh!
Wow! You’ve gone and posted the wreckiest wrecks ever!!! This was the worst of the WORST!!! Hazzah!! Was eating lunch when I started this post but may never be hungry again. Thanks for posting the funniest stuff in the inter web!
Oh.
Well.
My jaw may come up off the floor one of these days.
Yeah.... Y'all were all mean about my Sexy Sudz cake a few years ago. Weren't ya?! Bein' all "that's nasty" "That baker is gross" and such. Now you just want a nice bubble belly cake back to cleanse your eyes and bathe your brain, don't you? HAHAHAHA! Suck it! You are on your own now! LOLOLOLOLOL
Good God. Remember when a cake was the centerpiece for your party? As in, oh, isn't that sweet, I just can't wait to have a slice of that? Who the hell says, yeah, I'd like to eat that? I mean, the only goal of these cakes is shock value. Perhaps putting these cakes front and center means you can skip the snacks. No one has an appetite after gazing at these cakes of horror!
Is that last bay coming out of Mom's navel?
One word only. HURK!
Oh, sweet Jesus, that last one.....there are just no words!
All was well until that last one.....you warned me........whyyyyyyy did I keep scrolling!! Words now fail me. Bakers......NO. Just......NO. No.
Dear sweet god WHY IS THIS A THING?! D:
I'm always so hungry for cake after reading this blog. Not today!!
I came here to say WTF but I see others have beat me to it. That last one is so revolting I don't even want to look at it to figure it out. Head out of the navel while feet come out of . . . not the navel? So . . . how does that work?
Thanks for the warnings and next time I'll listen to you.
No. Just... no.
Im gonna need the addresses of these bakers so I can send them my therapy bills. Thanks.
does it bother anyone else that the mad scientist hands on the last ones are performing a caesarian without surgical gloves?
I was warned. Twice. But like a train wreck, I had to view it.
There is no word in Webster's for how wrong those cakes are.
[HURK!]
IS RACHEL GIVING BIRTH TO VOLDEMORT??!!??
What's the official anatomical term for the crease where the leg meets the vulva?
Whatever it is, I don't want to eat that piece. *ESPECIALLY* if it has hair on it. Or what looks like used motor oil. Or hair. Did I mention I don't want to eat hair?
They should serve these in high school health class. They are so appalling!
Wait...who wants to pop out a demon baby...or thinks it's a good idea for a party?
As for that last one...if it's a c-section happening, I'm not sure the mom torso survived...
Y'all. Y'ALL. The cakes are bad enough (and they are truly bad) but let us just ponder for a moment what these horrors looked like once they started slicing them. You know the line in Steel Magnolias where they are talking about the armadillo cake and Ouiser says, "That looks like an autopsy". Yeah, that.
Why is the last delivery simultaneously vaginal and caesarean? Why creepy hands without gloves? Why so much more that I refuse to even remember now? (As if I could ever forget.)
Seeing these made me laugh til I cried and then hubby screamed what the heck are those?? So I quickly scrolled far away lol.
The horror ,the horror.
OH my god. Ohhhhhh man. It is going to be awhile before I can fully bleach out my eyes. Argh.