You Want Vagina Cakes? I'LL GIVE YOU VAGINA CAKES.
March 23, 2018 WARNING:
This post is so completely not-safe-for-work that I advise waiting til you get home, clearing the area of innocents, and then blinding yourself with Tabasco sauce before proceeding.
Did I mention this post is NSFW? And, like, super gross?
Yes?
Ok.
I notice you're still scrolling.
Last chance to turn back!
Fine.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
******
I'm not usually one to bow to peer pressure, peeps, but this past week it seems all anyone is talking about are vagina cakes. Suddenly reporters are clamoring at my inbox again, demanding to know my "favorite vagina cake" and the best resuscitation techniques for scandalized mothers-in-law. Major websites are plundering Pinterest and posting as many strawberry-filled, chocolate sprinkles sprinkled hoo-haws as they can find, with captions like "EMPOWERING OR ICKY? ONE TODDLER FINDS OUT."
I blame myself.
And Stephen Fry.
So I've held out as long as I can, really, I have. But the time has come. Yes, the people want what the people want, and I am here to give it to those people.
Plus, these other vagina cakes everyone's posting? Puh-LEASE. Those things are NOTHING - NOTHING - compared to what I'm faced with on a daily basis.
So today, you guys get to feel my pain. Today the gloves - and the censor bars - come off.
Presenting:
The Top 9 Completely Not-Safe-For-Work, Thoroughly Traumatizing, (Sort of) Anatomically Correct and Most Horrendously Graphic Vagina Cakes Of All Time... SO FAR.
You've seen the rest. Now see the most horrifying.
I'll ease you in with a couple of nice, safe examples:
;)
HIYA.
If you turn your head to the side, this next one could almost be that Beetlejuice shrunken-head guy shrugging while wearing a turtleneck:
;)
You totally see it, don't you.
Now, the overhead view:
;)
(Well, technically it's the "underbum" view, but let's not split lips hairs.)
Oh, and you'll soon learn to appreciate the lack of strawberry jam.
;)
(By Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes)
See?
If you squint a little, you might be able to convince yourself this next one is just a demon baby enjoying a nice hot tub filled with bloody entrails:
;)
Best not to dwell too long on the curly pig-tail thing, though.
Believe it or not, I'm pretty sure demon baby up there is the only homemade vagina cake on this list. Yep, professional bakers are downright PROUD of their crowning achievements, as evidenced by all the nicely photographed and watermarked variations popping up (and out):
;)
Please, bakers. NO MORE HAND OUTS.
In fact, Jo Norton of Just JoJos was all too eager to tell me she was inspired by this very blog to make... [swallowing]...to make... [deep breath]... THIS:
;)
That sound you just heard was me weep-gagging.
WEEP-GAGGING FOREVER.
Also: I KNEW IT. I KNEW bakers were getting inspiration from the wrecks I post. [fist pump] HA!
[sitting back down]
Granted, this is a somewhat hollow victory...
I've been hanging on to this next cake for literally YEARS, figuring if I ever wanted to shut down the blog in a blaze of phallus-filled, amniotic fluid soaked glory, this was my surefire ticket out:
;)
BOOM, BABY.
And yet, that dong-a-riffic, anatomically impossible horror fest up there STILL isn't the worst.
The worst is just SO worse, my friends, that I'm going to give you one more chance to walk away. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF STAYPUFT, WALK... AWAY.
You're still scrolling.
[sigh] Ok. Sorry.
;)
I SAID I WAS SORRY.
(It's mostly made of marzipan. Does that help? No? Yeah, didn't think so.)
Rain down your curses and dry heaves upon Libbie A., Anony M., Brenna, Mary C., Mel M., Jo N., Allie C., and Heather B. for bringing us today's inspiration to skip lunch. And dinner. And all food for ever and all time.
*****
Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.
And from my other blog, Epbot:
Reader Comments (64)
This might be the first time I really should have heeded the warnings...*flees to a corner looking green*
And someone actually pays money to look at these horrific, nightmarish "cakes," and, even more, to EAT them. What is WRONG with those people?? (Perhaps they are severely vision-impaired? Yes, that must be it. Extremely vision-impaired, they all comment on the pink/red "flower cake" before picking up forks. I pity the person with 20/20 who walks in on THAT spectacle...)
Gah.
Apart from the many, many things wrong with that last cake ... that’s not where c-section incisions are made. I can prove it; wanna see my scar? I promise it’s less horrifying than every cake in this post.
I think the last one is twins; the doctor is laying the firstborn on mom's tum while the second one is still in transit. It's still beyond revolting.
just, why! And what is the "hair" made out of?? (barf)
Thank you for the warning. These are even worse than the usual bad baby shower/pregnancy announcement/first birthday cakes I see on here.
I have to ask though: What is happening in that last cake? It looks like the baby got stuck and decided to claw and chew its way out of the womb tiger cub style. Is that what a c-section actually looks like (hopefully with gloves on the doctor's hand though)?
So, on that dongariffic spectacle, why is there chocolate smeared on the testicles? Why?!?!
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
So... in the second-last one the thing being born is a disembodied head?
And for everyone wanting gloves on the doctor's hands in the last one, would you rather two-by-two-hands-of-blue? (Though I also agree it's the wrong place for a caesarean, I also have the scars, but no desire to show them off!)
WTF?!?!?!? These are cakes of your worst nightmare!!!
What even is dignity any more? WHY would anyone want this?
Why didn't I heed your warnings?! Almost 40 years of a not at all sheltered life and I'm still gobsmacked.
Here I thought you were going to post a bunch of those geode cakes. 99% of them look like bedazzled vaginas. Boy, was I surprised.
I wasn't TOO bothered. But.. I don't think I want to see any more vagina cakes for a while.