Worst Wrecks In The 'Verse
August 18, 2016 Bad poetry is like a really bad analogy.
And super fun to write.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day??
;)
...no.
Chomp
We were all so sorry
To hear of your fate,
We still don't know
How it escaped from the crate,
But...
;)
Movement In P Major
You are such fun
Second to none,
Indeed it's true,
You're not number 2
;)
Belaboring The Point
I do not mean to vex
Or be overly complex
I'm awkward at showers
Would you have preferred flowers?
Ah well...
;)
Getting It All Out There
You're the Duchess to my Duke
The Leia to my Luke
And when I think about you
I really want to
;)
...feed you cake.
Thanks to Peter F., Sharon M., Brandy, James H., & Joel P. for finding no rhyme or reason to these wrecks.
*****
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Reader Comments (37)
Yay! Firefly reference in the title!! :)
Nice writing on the second one! And for once the balloons look like balloons!
Well, THAT will teach you to eat broken plastic toy pieces off the floor!
If the first one had a blue sky instead of a yellow one it would look good. The cracks in the icing where the airbrush missed would look like clouds.
Then again maybe it's a sunset, which makes it all good.
(Hmm, I just wonder exactly how thick the icing is???)
Awww, shucks.
I thought they'd be Firefly themed wrecks, based on your title :(
Still funny as always though.
Really glad I was done with breakfast before that last cake....
If they used lemon or cherry on that last one it would look better.
That's it... My calm is officially disturbed.
I'll be in my bunk.
Green leaves fill the sky
As bright sunshine hurts my eye.
Why?
What was the "inspiration" for the first cake? Maybe a test of the decorating applicant similar to the floor exercise event at the Olympics: how many elements can be placed in any order within the confines of space (don't go outside the lines!) and time (2 minutes) Extra points for creating/following a theme. GO!
The last cake, with the so-appropriate "reduced for quick sale" sticker brought back too many memories of traveling with my oldest daughter. She could get carsick just by backing out of the garage.
Who am I kidding? It's cake. I'd eat it.
A poet named jen had such skill
That her poems gave readers a thrill
Her words made our hearts ache
As she mused on bad cake
Even those which were coated in swill
I had a few thoughts hit me right away:
#1 - Scorched Earth Cake, brought to you by WW11
#2 - "A bite late, a molar short" - get it? GET IT???
After that, my creativity deserted me - then I saw the last cake, and my breakfast deserted me, as well.
I actually laughed out loud on the "congrats on the productive sex" one. Love it!
I would just love it if someone gave me that cookie with the roses on it. (Hint, hint!)
I understand that it's a compliment to be called "the shit," as opposed to just "shit." But what about "the piss"?
It seriously looks like there are cigarette butts embedded in that last cake.
Um.. that last rhyme, Leia and Luke were siblings so it makes no sense. But then somebody put red bean chili on a cake so I guess it doesn't have to make sense.
That third one works if you love Starfire from Teen Titans. I totally heard it in her voice.
Whee! I made the cut! And in the position of (dis)honour.
The "beach vomit" cakes really were revolting. There were half a dozen or so on the rack at the store when I shopped there late one night, without a camera with me. When I went back the next day, there were only two. And believe it or not, a couple that had been sold looked even worse than this one.
Hm. In retrospect, I should have taken some stereo-pair pictures.
OMG! I HAVE to stop reading these posts at work! They're going to call a triage on me!
@ Jen & SuBee - GENIUS, cakewreckorater GENIUS !! I luv it!
And... the congrats on the "productive sex" for a baby shower ???????? With the little squirly, sperm-y type thingies around the edges? Dang... that's .... CAKE ART fer shure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laughing and snorting.... as always... MaryO
Jen - I was not a big fan of Poetry until now with your amusing verses to the wrecks. @SuBee, you penned a gem about our beloved Jen. @KimS....#2, I get it, hahahaha. And a bigger Haha at the breakfast update.
Seriously, after scrolling down to the last cake, I had to pop a Dramamine myself.
Count me among the disappointed over one, one, and only one reference to Firefly.
Whoever made that last cake needs to be kicked in the groin.
Funny post! That last cake made me wretch :P
Cake wreck poetry is often considered to be the third worst poetry in the universe.
Have you seen this video from Buzz Feed, wedding cake decorating over the last 100 years. Awe struck wonderment. The cake toppers made me tilt my head like a confused dog. I'm saddened that these lessons in social history were not shared when I was in school.
If you are like me, I don't like to click on links from people I don't know, so I suggest you search in buzzfeed.com, one nation under cake. Enjoy.
Big smile on my face today. I heard all the "poetry" in Firefly voices. Summer's day? Of course, this refers to River (Summer Glau). Chomp read by Mal (in his "just let me explain this" voice). Belaboring from the Doctor (sounding very uncomfortable with any reference to human interaction). Getting it all - Wash (read lovingly to Zoe).
The last one would work better with "The Mara to my Luke" cause she was his wife. Leia was his sister. And Han doesn't rhyme.
.Sharon-- I think someone already did kick the wreckarator of the last one in the groin....Thus the production of this and according to Joel P, several others!!
These poems severely damaged my calm... but in a good way! I laughed so hard at the last one, my cat left my lap in disgust :)
Oh that last cake made me wanna..hurl a chair at the wreckerator lol. Oh man so gross. The other cakes were hilarious and I really hope no one bought them lol.
You could have gone with "the Lorelai to my Luke". I'm still waiting for a Gilmore Girls wreck day. Oy with the poodles already.
That last one made me sad. 😢 Very, very sad. 😢 😢
It looks so real, like someone lifted the lid, puked, and put the lid back on. Surely, SURELY, SHIRLEY!!!!, it wasn't decorated to look this way. And I really hope some poor passerby wasn't actually sick. SURELY Some prankster just dumped a can of soup or something? Please? Cause that... Is an abomination. An abominably abominable abomination. 😢😢😢
😢
What the fudge is on the last cake? Even being generous and assuming it's not actual vomit, I can't figure it out.
The last cake's "topping" looked like it was candied peel -- the stuff that's in fruitcake or hot cross buns -- mixed with something syrupy.
A couple of the cakes that sold before I got back to the store were "chunkier", so to speak.
The last one- what the heck? Did they intentionally pour soup over the top of the cake? I'm completely lost. The heart-shaped one isn't all bad. The flowers look okay.
So ,the very pink one.Did the client request buttplug shaped flowers or was it just a happy inspiration on the decorators' part?
Is that actual BAKED BEANS on the last cake?!?!?!
What in the heck?!
Following up... At a different store in a "sister" chain, I saw more cakes similar to the last one. They were "apple" cakes, topped with a gooey chunky substance -- think of the contents of a low-quality apple turnover. The goo was much lighter in colour than this one, and the cakes didn't have the plastic junk. The goo was only dribbling down the sides a little bit. But I think that may be part of what this vomit cake was made with. The new cakes were a lot less revolting.