6 Wedding Wrecks That Make Me Glad I'm Already Married
August 17, 2016 Now here's a couple who really loves their Fruity Pebbles:
;)
I don't know what the groom's supposed to be doing, but whatever it is, I'm pretty sure he's doing it wrong.
I am a HUGE steampunk fan. Ask anyone. They'll probably back away slowly and call the authorities, but still, go ahead and ask them.
That said...
;)
No.
Just...no.
Look, nobody said ordering your wedding cake would be a bed of roses.
If they were honest, though, they might have insinuated it'd be a lumpy tower of them:
;)
What is...How...I don't even...
Oh, never mind.
Then there's this:
;)
Whoah, whoah, hang on, there! You're not allowed to just scroll down here like nothing happened! No, you march your virtual self RIGHT BACK UP THIS SCREEN and take a GOOD HARD LOOK at that wedding wreck. You hear me? And then you THINK ABOUT what that wreckerator has done. And how your six-year-old cousin could have done better - you know, the one with the late-blooming spatial awareness. And then maybe SNICKER a little more. And then - THEN - you be GRATEFUL for what you have and you move along.
I'm a cat owner, so I know first hand that sisal rope - which is the stuff on their favorite scratching posts - has tiny sharp fibers that stick out all over and snag everything that gets near it.
Which is why it's an EXCELLENT idea to wrap your wedding cake in it. That's right; go ahead and smoosh that snaggly hairy stuff right on down in the icing! People will love it!
MMMM.
Also, is that loop on top a love knot, or a noose? YOU DECIDE.
Saaay, I didn't know airline baggage handlers did wedding cakes, too!
;)
Just look at that consistent quality of care! So realistic, your guests will be queuing up to file a claim!
(Watch out for the delivery fees, though; I hear only the first tier is free.)
Thanks to Katherine, Rainna A., Anony M., Brenda J., Alli B., & Sara for helping me continue to strike terror in the hearts of brides-to-be everywhere. MUAH-HA-HAA!
Reader Comments (45)
FWIW, the sisal rope image isn't showing up properly (at least for some users) - in checking the sourcecode, it looks like there's a reference to 'cakewrecks.squarespace.com' that is causing the problem. When I remove the squarespace, the image up shows just fine.
And since that is arguably the best image of the bunch for guffaws, it's definitely worth correcting. :)
It took me several minutes to be able to post this comment, because I was in the corner. Jen yelled at me for scrolling down without properly appreciating the wedding wreck so I went on timeout. Now I appreciate it, Jen. I really, really understand how bad it is. :-)
Playing devil's advocate a bit here for that first cake.
They're both supposed to be rock climbing, and what the groom is doing is actually right, except that it's mostly a position I've seen on slopes (or rather under them) or in particularly difficult passes rather than on flat surfaces like that.
That said, it's still a wreck. lol
Ah, yes, I can hear those Wedding Knells a-tolling.
You have to admit though, that cowboy one is creative. "Yee haw! Ah done 'roped' yew! "
What saddens me most is that every one of these cakes is in their proper setting, presumably at the reception. Which means that someone PAID for these cakes and proudly displayed them for all to see. On purpose.
WHYYYYYYY???!!!!!
The rock climbing cake is actually demonstrating truth in advertising. The bride can expect the groom to be lying down on the job for the rest of the marriage.
The luggage one isn't too bad. C'mon folks that's a complicated cake.
@ Lisa - I'm not sure it's a case of 'proudly' displaying. I think it's more like, "We know this looks like total crappulence, but it's cake, so we figure you won't complain THAT much."
That's the note I'd put out in front if my cake ended up looking like that, anyway :)
Of course, I'd also ask for a HUGE discount :)
The third one, just throw a few more roses on it and no one will know.
The stuff on the rock climbing cake isn't Frooty Pebbles. It's chocolate gravel. Yes, that IS a thing. They're basically pebble-shaped M&Ms.
Cake #4 is a crime against humanity...or at least my eyeballs. I am not a professional baker and I've only used fondant once and I know I could do better. There is no excuse for that easy of a design to look that bad!
I know I'm in minority and yes it's a wreck but I like the steampunk one. There's a quirky charm all its own there.
In fact Fuseworks kilns had powdered glass kits for steampunk that produced similar pieces.
Still, I'd like it better without weird tree things though.
The "Then there's this" cake is a bit soft around the edges, but it really doesn't look all that bad when you look at it, you know.
Projectile porridge vomit is not how I'd choose to celebrate my nuptuals.
Sorry (and I am NOT a steampunk fan) but the Steampunk cake really is pretty cute. In my opinion, if I was the bride, and this was my local cake shop, I would be fairly pleased. The lace is beautiful. I really like the cogs, bolts etc. Beads are consistent size. No. this one is not a wreck. You just don't like it, lol.
Is there something wrong with me that wedding cake wrecks make me sad?
The Steampunk cake seems to be a bone of contention! When I was a kid I took a tour of a (no lie) a screw/bolt/nut factory in PA. As we left I was given "samples" of some of the smaller screws/bolts/nuts. I would SWEAR those "samples" found their way to this Steampunk cake - only covered w/icing. Boy - are those wedding guests going to be surprised! Their dentists will be thrilled!
The suitcase cake is.... awful, but the green suitcase looks like there's 'stuff' coming out the back... clothes? I don't know and the
Rose cake looks like a big mountain of ReddiWhip - or shaving cream... take your pick.. and finally
the piece de resistance - the cowboy cake.... OMG! Those "flowers" look like BIG, DEAD, BUGS plastered on that cake - no kidding. Auck.
Snorting, laughing, ROTFLMAO........... MaryO
The people on the first cake are stoned. Get it?
The second cake isn't bad from a purely decorative perspective. It just suffers from JGSGOIACIS: Just Glue Some Gears on It and Call It Steampunk.
The suitcase one really has a lot of detail that's well-planned. If it hadn't fallen apart, maybe it would look okay. Not really good, probably, but okay. I kinda feel sorry for that baker. Good idea, it just wasn't done very well.
I actually kind of like the first cake ; me being a rock climber/boulderer saw immediately that both bride and groom are bouldering up to the top of the cake. Did anyone notice climbing shoes? The baker nailed those!
This is what happens when people want complicated cakes for cheap. They expect to pay next to nothing for cakes that should cost $500 or more.
Mmmm....chocolate rocks! I would snarf that first cake down in a minute. Chocolate rocks are gold!
The poor luggage cake looks like it had a rough delivery to the venue. Which sucks, because it's not that bad - you can definitely tell it's luggage; there's a lot of work involved there.
I'm so happy that I work in an office where my laughter doesn't get noticed or commented on. After my self-imposed timeout because I scrolled too fast at the beginning, I realized there are people getting paid to produce some pretty odd, weird, strange, BAD cakes.
Really, rope on the cake? Even if it's been washed, the oils and dirt in the rope will never be completely gone. Maybe those eating the cake can use the rope fibers to floss.
And that climbing cake: I've fallen and I can't get up!
The lumpy tower of roses cake reminds me of Richard Dreyfuss' creation of Devil's Tower in mashed potatoes.
The sisal rope cake would have been appropriate at a reception at my venue. The bride used burlap runners on the table. Burlap she cut herself. And didn't take outside to shake well. When the caterer arrived, she commented that it looked like a dog had shed all over the place settings. Following the reception, my dust mop collected enough burlap bunnies to fill a large chafing dish. Yum.
I like the rock climbing cake. It took me a minute to figure out what it was. I thought maybe the groom slipped off the cake. Then I realized it was rock climbing.
I'm getting married in a little over two weeks, and these are making me freak out. My cake should be pretty simple, but what if it shows up like this? You hire the baker, but you have no idea until the day of the wedding. It may even not be that the baker is bad, but what if it falls during transportation? What if it is too warm and starts melting? I'm going to stay off this site until after the wedding.
I love that others are kind and forgiving! "That one's not so bad" is perhaps the nicest thing to be said about any of these. I'm not nice. I think they all look like crap; molded, melted layered crap.
The cat-scratch one is SO hideous! None of the elements is related to the others. Twine, frilly ruffley lace, cutesy topper and -why not?- a green flower that fell off a Christmas wreath. And what are the brown blobs? Maybe just an anchor for some random silk blossoms? It's all so confusing.
The one with all the roses is ugly as fug, but yu have to admit it ain't as fug as most we see here.
The last one looks like an ice cream cake that's been sitting out. Obviously the fondant icing is too heavy for the cake, it's beginning to collapse.
I'm pretty sure those steam punk bolts were created with a play dough set.... And is that supposed to be an octopus coming up on it's left side? or bad fauna? Blech!
That second cake is just nuts. I wouldn't be surprised if the baker took the first opportunity to bolt out of there. I can't imagine gearing up for such an important life event, only to receive that drab, lumpy mess. The first pearls of wisdom gained on their journey together: choose your baker carefully. They really need to branch out, look at other options for events.
On the other hand, that lacy stuff looks nice.
Most of these are actually not bad cakes, at least not bad enough to where I'm laughing at the comments about them as well.
Okay, the love knot or noose got me to chuckle.
Recognizing the steampunk cake is controversial, I am going to have to agree with Jen that it is a wreck. The lace is not bad, but the cake underneath the fondant is lumpy and creeping me out, plus the ribbon-ish whatever on the top tier is, well, awful. I think that of the layers were smooth and straight, and there were some restraint on this, it could be a cool cake, but as wrecks often occur, it is a case of bad foundation and just too much.
What do you call the color of the roses on the heap? On my screen, they are sort of a vague greenish.
So sorry these poor brides and grooms had to put up with these wrecks to share with their guests on their special day. At least they can floss with the sisal pieces left on their piece of cake!
I'm still trying to figure out what's so terrible about cake #4. It looks like someone's friend did it for them and not bad for a DIY job.
Is that steampunk cake supposed to be steampunk or for people who really appreciate nuts, bolts and gears... Like mechanics or engineers? I have a gear rug that is one of my favorites, but it's not steampunk.
I love this, I love this website and I especially love how the time out cake decorator seems to have run out of stars.
That's said, since everyone always refers to the cakes in a post by number, could you start numbering them in the post saving me from oodles of scrolling, counting, and cursing?
The steampunk cake reminds me of high school biology class when students were required to find creative ways to display the parts of an animal cell (cell wall, ribosomes, mitochondria, etc).
I think the blue stuff around the bottoms of the tiers on the 4th cake is just blue duct tape...which happens to be my favorite snack!
What is the matter with everybody? Are all these comments from first time readers who don't know that it is wisest to lurk for a while? These are not DIY cakes. They were professionally made, by professional bakers, who agreed that this was a job they could handle, then delivered stuff like this for somebody's WEDDING and expected to be paid? 'Not too bad' is not good enough for somebody's wedding cake.
The maker of the rock climbing cake may have done the right kind of shoes, but I doubt if the bride's dress is really suitable.
When I see the "steampunk" cake, I can't help but think the taunting jeer "Nuts and bolts! Nuts and bolts! WE GOT SCREWED!" :-O
Is the fourth one wrapped in painter's tape?
These cakes make me glad to be married already as well lol. Oh man the angry brides I can sense just looking at these things. How the wreckerator survived is beyond me lol.
The 4th cake: My 6-year old daughter has felt stickers in the exact same shape and colour as those flowers, so my first thought was that they had put stickers all over the cake. She also loves playing with ribbon, so I am indeed convinced that my 6-year old could do better.