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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Tuesday
May172016

All Hands On Wreck: Pirate Ship Wedding Cake A Sight For Sore "Ayes"

Today's bride had an interesting request for her wedding: she wanted a pirate ship for the cake.

The baker was totally onboard, though, [snerk] and even sent over this inspiration picture so the bride would know what to expect on her Big Day.

You're seeing it now, right? All white, roses... I'll be darned if this isn't pretty elegant!

 

Ahh, but trim the sails and lash the rigging, ye scurvy dawgs, 'cuz here comes the actual wedding cake our anonymous bride got instead:

OH SHIP

Now that's a cake for private tears.

(Privateers? Eh? EH?)

You know, I could almost forgive the general fold-out-sofa-bed-on-blue-shag-carpet vibe going on here, but I cannot - CANNOT - get past those hysterical little "sails." Seriously. The longer you look at them, the funnier it gets. Like a hippo using a moist towelette square to preserve her modesty.

And that mental image you're having right now? Still not as funny as those sails.

 

Thanks to my anonymous bride minion, who I'm pretty sure is why the rum is gone. But hey, who could blame her?

*****

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Reader Comments (54)

PERfect title and puns today, Jen! Love it -- thank you for starting my day off right.
And bride -- uh, man, that really blows. Sorry about your wreck and all. Hope everything else went right with the wedding.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen S

Did they use old hotdog buns? Are the rail posts pretzels? we demand answers!

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered Commentermiss paper

It's the Titanic of wedding wrecks!

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

That is HORRENDOUS!!! I hope the bride didn't pay for it. And how could the baker actually think that their version looked good?

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJoJo

Hide the rum!!

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKimS

More Sea Turtles. Needs more Sea Turtles.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

It's hard for a pirate to find
Work in these turbulent times
I guess I can make
My work wrecking some cakes
To raise me some nickels and dimes
Aye

PS-In the first millisecond that I scrolled down, I thought I was looking at a chair and I was looking for the cake. I'm easily confused.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Did she kill someone? Because I'd've killed someone.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterM

Are these people effing BLIND???

If I was that bride I wouldn't pay a penny for that.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterguest

Is the mainsail held up by a pretzel?

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEpy Pen

Time for that baker to walk the plank.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJoan

Mercy, mercy..me.... LOOK at it.You can't really tell tbe dimensions of this titanic wreck, but in relation to the one that got away, it's OUT THERE, man! Just put some wheels on it, and drive it around the block like the Ding Dong man. Maybe those aren't even sails....I think they might be music stands, and even the band hired for the gig got seasick and bailed ...Sure wish the rum wasn't all gone. But, the fold-out cake idea is quite interesting, now that you mention it, Jen! I'd like to expand on your idea, and make them a real thing! Can't you just see it? A cake that you can cover for travel, then unpack, roll it out, and poof!>Inflatable cake/ mattress....it could happen..=^-.~^=

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

You gotta admit the baker perfectly matched cake to setting: That freshly-dug-outta-the-shed folding table, the rough sawn wood paneling. The uncovered brown corrugated cardboard the cake's sitting on is a perfect color match for the chipboard taped onto the table's surface!

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterReuben

Jen had the same thought I did -- my initial reaction before scrolling down to read her comments was, "Oh wow -- that looks like a really bad sofa bed!!" That poor bride. Not a rose to be seen. The wreckerator should be made to walk the plank! I think this cake might cause scurvy.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

The baker's head can now be found in Bluebride's forbidden chamber...

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterGingerSnap

The water looks good. (It's all icing!)

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterBea

At first I thought it would have been better if this wreckerator had tried to make an air mattress. But no, that would probably be hideous, too.

I hope the bride and groom got to go on a luxury cruise for their honeymoon. Where they could see a REAL ship and beautifully decorated cakes and food.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

Kims, why is the rum gone?!?!?!?!?! As for the actual cake, how can they lie like that?!?!?!?!That should be false advertising, and they should sue.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

My daughter and I are very careful to not use LOL with each other unless we actually, literally, DID LOL. Well, I lol'ed here. And then I lol'ed some more because I was thinking about those tiny, little, ineffective sails as i was reading and trying to figure out a use for them, and then the hippo came along, and I lol'ed even more.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterBetty Martin

Once again, the Bermuda Triangle claims another wedding cake.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAl the K

To be honest, I come for the commentary on those wrecks! I feel they demanded a standing ovation on this set. And this one belongs at the bottom of the sea! Oof, toss that sucker overboard.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKit

At least the initials are appropriate: C B M

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSeaBee

Oh man, I love the whole lot of you guys. Too funny Jen and everyone else.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterColin M.

While definitely a wreck that provides for our entertainment, the bakers who pull this kind of crap should be arrested for fraud.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterStephenie

Why is the rum gone?! Because the bride drank it all trying to make this cake look better. Nice airbrushing though. Initials aren't bad. ORRRRR, the BAKER drank all the rum and this is what happened. Egad. Yo ho, yo ho, a cakey wreck for me!

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKimS

So, that inspiration photo was what the BAKER sent the customer? Why would you send a photo unless you intended to try to mimic it at least a little bit?

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

Please tell me her groom wore a puffy shirt to the wedding. That would have helped distract from the cake.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterChristy

They must have thought pirates were getting married, and wouldn't care what it looked like because everybody would be wearing eye patches and...Oh GAWD.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMrs.R

Say, "This wedding cake is a pirate ship" really fast over and over and you will end up with the truth! (Anyone else ever do that one as a kid?)

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAustex99

The whole thing looks like one big poop deck.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKerry

The myriad of expressions my face just went through are probably illegal in forty states and prohibited in another seven.

What is that I don't even.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKai Lowell

To be fair, the baker probably started with all the Pirate rum they were supposed to supply.
Ran out, got some more rum delivered, ran out.
Then remembered that they were supposed to make a cake.
And started 4 sheets to the wind.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterPGP_Protector

Grab your tongue with your thumb and forefinger, and say Pirate Ship.... That will explain this wreck.....

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterStephM

So is this a ship cake wreck, or a cake shipwreck?

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterErica

That looks more like a floom!

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSharon

My kids said, "It looks like the Simpsons couch."

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterRuby

Seriously almost required the Heimlich maneuver after looking at the "what they got" cake. I feel like I'm pretty well prepared for most disasters, but this one beats them all!

Note to self: Do not eat while reading CakeWrecks!

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

SuBee's limerick FTW!! Perfect adjunct to Jen's commentary on "the-cake-that-couldn't-decide-what-it-was." (To me it looks like it thought about becoming a pirate ship, then it thought about becoming a representation of the church sanctuary, then a sofa-bed, then an air mattress. It just goes to show; if you don't commit to *something*, you risk failing at *everything*.)

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJMixx

I so want to draw a hippo protecting her modesty with a moist towelette right now...

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterHelen Kirk

My sides hurt from laughing - at the cake AND the comments!
High class on the high sea... And by the way, what is that?!?

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCindy

Okay, I'll admit that sometimes the request vs reality discrepancy is understandable because the original was done by an absolute expert decorator. But this is not a difficult cake! I average ONE cake a year (two kids, eldest is 11, they get a party every second year) and while they're not professional quality, they're pretty damn good for home made. I did one almost the exact same shape as this three years ago and - aarrrggghhhh.

This wreckerator needs to be keel hauled. Were they wearing two eye patches?!?

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterOzzie Girl

I did a pirate ship for a wedding cake too.
The whole wedding was pirate themed though, with
the bride and groom dressed as pirates. Thankfully
mycake actually looked like a ship. I cheated
and used paper sails cause it had to travel from PA
to Maryland and I was afraid of breakage with edible
sails

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAna

Ahoy - abandon ship, me hearties. All hands on deck to find the baker of this scurvy mess and string him (or her) up in the yardarms.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKyle

Well, we know why Jack's rum is always gone. This baker drank it before making this cake.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDana

I hope the bride sued for alienation of confection.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterHairfish

That's the ultimate twist for a cake wreck - the wreckerator was the one who provided the inspiration photo. That the final result was so different is just baffling. Did they not notice, or did they think the bride wouldn't!

Still, being a pirate baker means you're never short of a dough hook. You'll always have one "handy"!

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenteriMark

AAAAH Cake Wrecks... never fails to disappoint! LOL!

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSherry

You think this is a pirate ship
And its visage you do dread,
But rest assured my Cake Wreck friends,
‘Tis but a marriage bed
Where lovers unite wang and yoni
On the frosting sea of matrimony.
For lifelong bliss
The couple, two,
Each says aloud, “Yes, I do.”
Why then, you say,
With furrowed brow, and mouth a frown,
Tell me why this bed is brown.
Here’s the deal, here’s the scoop,
Without two I do’s
‘T all goes to poop,
The marriage goes right down the crapper
It can’t be saved; you’ll have to scrap her.
So here’s to true love and wedded bliss,
You’ve been pronounced, and now the kiss,
And then set sail on the marriage bed,
(Watch out for rough weather; don’t bang your head
Upon the rails
As you unfurl you silken sails),
Off to new adventures, two are one,
(And isn’t reading Cake Wrecks a boatload of fun!)

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterA, Non

Ok, maybe the baker that sent the inspiration photo was out sick, or on medical leave, or quit...and the baker that took his/her place had to figure out how to make a pirate ship, and clearly wasn't as skilled as the first baker, so just went with it and came up with something else?

The monogram on the sails is nice...doesn't fit the rest of the cake, unfortunately.

May 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTwinMom

Oh man I so would not have paid for that and the baker should be ashamed. Sending such a gorgeous picture and then giving the bride this horrid thing. Honestly what on earth wreckerator? Lol.

May 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterArlene Marie

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