GET ME A UNICORN CHASER! (Oh. Wait.)
May 18, 2016 [Note: Today's post contains a mildly bad word, because I put it in to make John laugh and then he said it was too funny to take out. Please parent accordingly.]
According to Urban Dictionary, a unicorn chaser is anything that "serves as a cleansing of the palate after a viewer has been subjected to a distasteful internet image or experience." If you've ever mistakenly clicked a link that showed you something really disgusting, like clown porn or Snooki's pregnancy pictures, then you know what I'm talking about.
You can even buy a Unicorn Chaser from ThinkGeek, although they don't mention what it tastes like. I'm guessing moonbeams and Oreo filling, because I can't imagine anything that tastes better than that, except maybe Oreo filling without the moonbeams. But it might taste like green Skittles, which would be disgusting, and then you'd need another chaser for your Unicorn chaser. Which would be both sad and kind of filling.
Look, my point is that these clouds look like shit:
;)
No, wait. That wasn't my point at all.
My point is, Unicorn horns: Do they really need a point?
;)
Or can they just be a giant lump like a cartoon head injury?
Or a large pile of bird doo-doo?
And do unicorns need heads, or can they just puke rainbows directly out of their necks?
;)
Assuming they still have a horn jammed in there somewhere, I mean?
True Story: As I was typing "do unicorns need heads" just now, I could totally hear one of you saying, "Why would a unicorn need a bathroom at sea?" And I was all, "WAIT FOR ME TO FINISH THE QUESTION, IMAGINARY WISE-GUY READER." And then you were all, "Gee, sorry," and I was able to move on after eating a spoonful of Oreo filling for recovery purposes.
This unicorn-pooping-cupcakes cake is adorable, and I won't have any of you speaking a WORD against it.
;)
Unless you want to comment on the wonky elongated nipple/leg. That I'd be ok with.
And finally, you know how when you visit a friend or relative, and you break something, and you just lay the broken bits down like they're not broken and hope nobody notices until a few days after you leave? No?
Ok, how about this:
You know how when you can't get a cake unicorn head to stand up on its own, so you just break it off and plop it back down on the body at an unnatural angle and pretend it's supposed to look like that?
;)
o.0
[backing away slowly]
If anyone needs me, I'll just be over here eating Oreo fillings in the moonlight. Just as soon as I find a picture of the moon for my computer screen.
Hey Laura B., Andrea & Anne Marie, Joshanna R., Robin E., & Samantha S. - why the long face and creepy demon eyes?
*****
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Reader Comments (52)
A "unicorn chaser", huh Jen? Thank you -- I'm going to use that often.
O_o words fail me....
The unicorn-pooping-cupcakes' legs remind me of an interaction between my BFF of 35 years and her then five-year-old daughter:
Kid: "Mommy, when will my boobies be long like yours?"
Me: <<laughing hysterically like this description doesn't apply to me>>
BFF: <<takes up drinking as a new vocational choice>>
This product comes to you from the people who invented Poopouri: https://youtu.be/YbYWhdLO43Q
You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that's some kind of Zombie Fairy on that last cake - she's sucking out the soul of the unicorn as we speak!!
I could really go for some oreos right now - where did that come from? Oh well, I'll have to settle for these Reece's miniatures on my desk. Nomnomnomnomnom
Dear Cake Wrecks,
I have been a fan of this *@!**# blog for many years. I was %$**(@# shocked to see you sink into the @##$**^% morass foul language. $%!! I expect better of you. Your unfortunately @$$*?** display of poor taste was made all the more shocking by its connection to these marvelous examples of *?$$#*@ unicorns and various forms of poop (see, was that so hard?) I am also ^^#*?*@ disappointed in the way you mocked a horse that is obviously afflicted by some sort of ^%$*@?* head tumor. Shame on you. Please take me off your **^%*?$@( mailing list, you #***&*&?**. I'm sick of this shit.
P.S. The thing on the third cake can't possibly be a unicorn can it?
Did you say that was a unicorn pooping adorable cupcake cakes? Now there's a first!!!
That last cake looks like Falcor, but not in a good way.
Jen, "Oreo filling for recovery purposes" Best medicine ever! @SuBee, LMAO at your post friend. You never disappoint, take a bow please! LOL
OK, I live in Nebraska, and we have some of the strangest weather around. But in my nearly 55 years of existence, I don't think I've EVER seen brown clouds. Not even at sunset during a tornado warning.
Why? Why? WHY????
Wonderful, a Cake Wrecks version of the soft serve pooping unicorn from that stupid Squatty Potty ad!
I a need a unicorn chaser from the unicorn chaser……
Love the placement of the red whatever-it-is on the third cake.
Oreo filling is coming out of my nose right now.
I actually think the cake with the unicorn pooping cupcakes is really cute....except for it pooping cupcakes.
Besides that, it's really cute.
There just aren't words...
Jen, you took them all
I'm sorry. Those legs do NOT look like elongated boobies. They resemble another body part from an entirely different gender.
I love you.
I can't even see a horn on the squashy-looking last thing! It seems to have what looks like 50 pounds of stacked newspapers (carved out of granite) on its butt. No wonder it can't stand up. Thankfully, that's it's guardian angel whispering in it's ear.....she's telling the poor, doomed creature, very sweetly, not to worry, it will be all over, soon. Ahh, I so love a heavy ending. (Well, what ELSE. can we call it?) =^-.-^=
Why are you assuming that that unicorn is pooping cupcakes? Maybe that's how unicorns ingest their cupcakes. Food for thought.
What do you smoke while you write posts and why don't you share with the rest of us?
The danger with reading your blog when I'm at work, is that i invariably laugh out loud and cause heads to turn. I'm learning to cover up the laugh with a snort or a cough, though, so... thank you for my new skill!
#@?! * you, Cookiemama!
*love
That cupcake pooping unicorn had cows udders instead of legs!
I just want to know where to find Oreo filling that you can eat by the spoonful because I want some now.
todays wrecks reminded me of this video that I saw... seems to fit right into this theme!
https://youtu.be/YbYWhdLO43Q
Please tell me you've seen the Squatty Potty commercial. If not, Google immediately. It's not porn, I promise. Essential viewing on the heels of this post.
BRAVO!!! Never knew that unicorns pooped cupcakes. Learned something new today. I've also acquired a taste for oreo cream filling.
Also, kudos to SuBee! You've said what we've all thought but have been afraid to put it out there.
Now that I've stopped laughing I can go back to work. Wait, I need to look at the cakes one more time.
TLC, I live in Florida, right on the gulf, and when a really bad storm is coming, the kind where you're gathering up your patio furniture so it doesn't launch itself at some poor bystander, when a bad one like that is coming, the sky will turn brownish. I swear. But it's never as bad as that cake.
That poor broken unicorn at the bottom. His butt looks like a rotten pumpkin.
ROTFLMAO! OMG! @SuBee - you've outdone yourself!
And, just for record, since the word "shit" has already been tossed out there... that "leg" is actually the Unicorn's penis. Now, c'mon! We all KNEW that! However, I can tell by the comments VERY few of us knew Unicorns cr@pped cupcakes! Huh..... ya learn somethin' every day! Bless U Jen for the laughs!! MaryO
Gloppy brown poo clouds interrupting a pathetic attempt at a rainbow AND the creature with deformed legs pushing out yummy cupcake turds ( I'm a farm girl so that sounds SO ridiculous.) are timely illustrations of the day I'm having: doubled over with a nasty stomach flu and reading a 600 word email from our HOA president about his encounter with dog doo RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS HOUSE! The horror! He even sent out a photo of the unexpected offensive excrement! It's a poo-themed day.
Thanks Jen! At least now, as I double over, I can multi-task.
Keep up the good work! What I mean by that is keep showing us the bad work. Uh, and the good work.
I lived for a time in Cairo, Egypt, and it rains very, very seldom so dust, sand, donkey dung, camel crap, and plain ol' dirt pile up for months. When the wind changes bringing in a rain storm it's like taking the dueley to the car wash after doing donuts in a mud swamp and for a while the running down dirt and roiling up dust really does look like dumpling clouds of shit. Heck, they even smell like it!
How to draw a perfect horse in 2 easy steps:
1. Draw a unicorn
2. Erase the horn
The Unicorn Chaser from Thinkgeek tastes like chicken (how surprising that 1} I know that & 2} it does, since EVERYTHING exotic does. Rattlesnake does also, &, yes, I know that from personal experience).
The third cake, I suspect is a lame attempt to not have to draw a horse's head by allegedly covering it with the rainbow mane. But the wind-tossed look doesn't really work on unicorns.
How now, brown cloud? No, seriously, how does *anyone,* *anywhere*, think that brown clouds are a good idea? A friend in Minnesota told me that brown sky often precedes tornadoes.
Ooo! Ooo! Jen! I found your pic of the moon! It's in that fourth photo, pooping cupcakes...!
I showed these pictures to my 5 year old (not to worry, she can't read). She identified numbers 3 and 5 as donkeys and thought number 1 was a "lovely rainbow". She didn't seem concerned about the chocolate clouds at all.
She laughed delightedly at the unicorn pooping cupcakes. I'm expecting a new unusual cake request for her next birthday.
I may need to show her some pictures of real donkeys.
These cakes may have been ordered by 5 year olds.
Some of them may have been decorated by 5 year olds too.
😕
Best commentary ever, regardless of the bad word.
@ Jen -- I didn't laugh. I howled! I haven't even gotten to the guest comments and I've got tears in my eyes. You got me going with your very first cake ... lead-up, pic, and THAT comment. LOVED it!
Thank you, and carry on,
MK
That's not a lump of bird poo on No.2, clearly it is a giant ball of hail that has smashed the poor horse's head spraying blood over the mane and running down its face. Mmmm, nnom nom horse blood!!
May there always be sunshine and lollipops (and sparkly shoes) in your world and no poo-colored clouds. And then again I really don't want to see a unicorn pooing cupcakes either.
Wow, everyone outdid themselves today! Jen, for writing an amazing post; SuBee, for creating the response that won the internet today; and all the commenters for their clever contributions to the hilarity.
Is it me, or does the unicorn in photo #3 look like it is pooping a rainbow out of its butt? I'm sensing a theme here...
For those of you craving Oreo cookie filling:
http://www.food.com/recipe/oreo-filling-190061
You're welcome.
I pity you yanks that the best cookie you lot have is those awful oreos and their pukish sugarpaste filling. Get someone to send you lot some REAL cookies - which are biscuits by the way - post haste. When I travelled to the US for a holiday I had me an oreo thinking "well they go on and on about these, they must be amazing" and it was the single worst cheap nasty vomit tasting crap I've ever put in my mouth, your awful AWFUL chocolate notwithstanding. Buuuut we sent you lot Fosters so I guess we're even. Sorry about fosters btw I guess we sell it to you lot because none of us will drink it.
... and because apparently you lot have no sense of taste.
RIght after I read this, I read a scientific article about telomeres and the Hayflick Limit. I could help but think of the "wonky elongated nipple/leg" of the cupcake pooping unicorn/pegasus.
@An Aussie,
I've never cared much for Oreos; I don't mention it much because it seems downright unAmerican. I will eat them if they're offered to me but they're not my first choice. Not ALL of us are crazy for them. I also don't really like Foster's.
Oh this was so hilarious and even the bad word was funny too lol. Especially as I agree with you. That does look like poop. So much poop that poor unicorn had to have died lol.
@An Aussie and SaraCVT:
I have never been able to understand all the fuss about Oreos either... they're just so-so to me, and I think the filling is sickeningly sweet. The cookie part IS good dunked in milk, though. When I want a good cookie, I only buy Pepperidge Farm.
Kath
Go to any swinger/polyamory site to discover an entirely different definition of "unicorn chasing". Afterward, you will understand my confusion at finding such a term headlining a page about cakes. Lol!
Brown clouds? Must be a s#!tstorm comin'.