My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

It's Worse Than That, They're Dead, Jen

So Jen wants you to think our national parks are all fun and games and kayaking and snuggling baby otters and stuff. Well, we live in Florida, man! We have the Everglades where literally everything wants to kill and eat you. Or kill you and leave your body for something ELSE to eat you. But definitely with the killing thing.

What, you think I'm exaggerating?


That's right, a smashed cake alligator wants to kill you. It's serious down here, guys.


And then there's the snakes:

"Help meeeee!"

Which this baker has so helpfully illustrated mid-murder.


We've got poison toads:

"I want you to croak."


And snakes:



And giant angry spiders:

Who team up with killer bees...


Did I mention the snakes?



Not to mention the armies of squirrel-sized mosquitoes:

They're very friendly. No sense of personal space.





And panthers.


Because of course we have panthers. Why wouldn't we have panthers?! I mean, what would a swamp be without FRIGGIN PANTHERS?!?!?!

To sum up, if you come to one of Florida's many beautiful national parks, you're gonna die. Probably. Best not to chance it. Just go to Disney and marvel at the animatronic deer and bunnies, which are super lifelike this time of year.


This has been a public service announcement from Cheryl G., Kelly V., Tracey S., Anony M., Sarah G., Andrew W., Ashley M., Kelly R., & Gretchen T.


Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

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Reader Comments (64)

Florida: America's equivalent of Australia. Now, with more panters!
Thanks John (thoj)!!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen S

I am glad that some bakeries are on the same page as me and agree that piranha cakes are FUNTASTIC.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAnne

Loved the reference to "Star Trekkin'"; the song. My grade 6 class had a ball doing an Air Band interpretation of it back in the day.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterShirley

The biggest crime is somebody charging $46,99 for that monstrosity of a "special order fantastic cake"

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered Commentermiss paper

OK I learned something new today. I learned that what we would call a mountain lion up here in NE is called a panther in Florida!!! Awesome!!!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterPenny M

Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes?

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDr I. Jones

One of our favorite Basic Instructions comics is the one where Scott extols the "virtues" of Florida ... the state that is trying to kill you.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJeni

To be honest, you have the Florida Panthers, the National Hockey League team that only Canadian snowbirds care about… when playing against a Canadian team. And they are making the playoffs this year!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAthena

You've frightened me. I'm terrified and all that. Now I won't be able to visit my mother in law ever again. Damn.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

I liked a lot of these cakes! Some of the snakes are great (could do without the one eating the white mouse!) and I loved the piranha cake! Though, I would NOT spend $46.99 on a cake! Where I'm from people don't spend that kind of dough on cake. Hmm...come to think of it I'm surprised there aren't more wrecks from my area! Probably because everybody just buys grocery store square cakes, or, for a wedding, some lady makes you a crooked cake out of her house and you take what you get. There are no fancy bakeries.

Anyway, fun post!!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

Eddie Izzard asks, "Cake or death?" We now know in Florida, it's both!!!!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered Commentermel

I've long thought that theme parks were the only acceptable destination in Florida. I mean, I'll check out the beach while I'm there....but very cautiously. When they announced the 2016 HGTV Dream Home location and I checked it out, I thought, "Are you kidding me? There is no fence around that pool, you're right on a river that has alligators in it, and you're still over an hour drive to Disney. Who's dream home is this??" (I still entered to win, of course...I'm not crazy, just very cautious.)

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMindaMinda

It appears that panther was more frightened than the lady taking the video.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterLady Anne

You left out the fruit rats that will kill you by chewing through your electrical wiring. And seagulls, which are just rats with wings. And that Florida snakes can climb trees. And walking catfish. And the pythons and boas that people dumped in the swamps. And lovebugs, but I guess it is hard to find cakes with lovebugs on them unless you had it on the hood of your car coming back from the grocery.

I'm so glad I moved.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTriciaL

Panther? looks more like a tubby lion with a Goucho Marx mustasch.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAlison in Austria

Hey, what about the flying cockroaches? Personally, I can deal with snakes and even (small) spiders, but cockroaches, flying or otherwise? Eek! Where's the flying cockroach cake, though? Huh?

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

@SuBee...I can hear the pain in your comment today, and see the tears of disappointment that you can no longer visit your mother in law because now you're scared of snakes, panthers and alligators. poor Subee, it will be all right :)

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered Commentercookiemama

Question: Where do all the manufacturers for the fancy designer labels get their snakeskin for their expensive bags, shoes, belts, etc, etc?

Second Question: Could those manufacturers be offered an "all-you-can-humanely-kill" for FREE deal if they go to Florida and take only the non-native Burmese pythons that are eating the native wildlife and upsetting the ecosystem?

Honestly, the "spider" cake is kind of cute; his little feet look like he's wearing little boots, and he looks too overfed to be angry.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJMixx

I love snakes. They're smooth, cool, and have those special, "Don't even THINK you can get away with feeding me THAT!" look in their little, slitted eyes.. But, I don't like flies.....especially ones that scream-squeek like that thing up there, which was *digitally remastered" to sound like the one in the original "The Fly" movie. ..Great impersonation, john! =^-.-^= (pssst Those cats are also known in some locales as cougars and catamounts!)

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

No sharks?? :D
Love these.
We lived in FLa for a good while and you just never knew what might show up on the lanai. Like the 10 ft black snake or the poodle size opossum. Don't forget the palm rats!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterdeb in atlanta

$46.99 for the piranha cake? Seriously? Wow.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSue Wiley


Truer words were never spoken. Glad I looked at that AFTER lunch!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

I LOVE THIS POST!!!! I'm here in SoFla, and took my Girl Scout troop camping this past weekend (5/15-17) and we could hear the baby gators clicking to call to the mommy gators. We also had wild turkeys that are over 3 feet tall, in addition to the occasional flying heron that look like pterodactyls. Still too cool to encounter snakes, but not the giant iguanas that look like green dragons. I can appreciate everything about this post. Thank you so very much, John :-D

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSandy in So Fla

Oh no, it's the dreaded CCC snake, the worst kind!

CCC snakes come with many markings, but you can always tell them by their distinctive "made out of round things" shape when viewed from above...

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterNyperold

Snakes. Why did there have to be snakes?

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

What occasion calls for a cake that depicts a snake eating a rodent?!?!?!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered Commentermindy1


April 18, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterserinde

When I watched the video, an ad for Jaguar appeared. Ha!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterPESt

I REALLY like the cake of the snake eating the white rat, and no I did not thank you very much!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterQue Sara Lee

Fact is, the "Snake eating a rat" cake is AWESOME. It's too bad the baker went crazy with the airbrush and muddied up the colors so much, but other than that... AWESOME!!!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

Dear John (thoj) - I hope your post scared off a few tourists, we could use the room. (IMHO the worst threat to Florida are the *^%^ tourists who don't know how to drive.) I don't care much for the snakes & alligators (especially the CCC type) or the iguanas, cockroaches, giant blood-sucking mosquitos, love-bugs (thank goodness for cooking spray), rats, sharks, panthers, a multitude of spiders or any of the other creatures that basically are looking for a way to either kill you or make you life miserable. Nor do I like the blistering heat and bajillion percent humidity which makes you sweat while taking a shower. But I DO love Florida in spite of everything. The only ice I want to have is either in my glass, in the freezer or in my slushy. I am a south Florida native and darn proud of it. If you can live through what Florida dishes out then you can survive almost anything!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKyle

Although that snake looked more like a big poo after an M&M binge. Hopefully, it's not too venomous.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

I thought the snake eating a rat was cool. Then again, I'm weird like that- I thought seeing a real snake eat a real mouse last summer was cool, too.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCrazySnakeLady

While I proceeded to KeepScrollingKeepScrollingKeepScrolling, I scrolled so quickly past the snake eating the mouse that I didn't realize it was eating a mouse until I read the comments and had to go back and (ACK!) look. I originally thought it was a snake barfing up white foam! Details are only noticed when slowly scrolling...

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

Yeah--this is exactly what I needed to see two days before I go to Florida for the first time.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterADN

....hating that I can't edit my earlier post. I meant "whose." Really, I did. :\

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMindaMinda

Reminds me of the day I first tried to feed a mouse to my daughter's pet python (don't ask). To make an incredibly hysterical long story short, my daughter finally found the mouse in the back of my closet (the girl is fearless when it comes to reptiles & little mammals, now insects are another story) and the snake went hungry!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAdo_Annie

oh thanks you guys, I'm on my way to FL on vacation in a couple of days... this just make me SO excited, NOT

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAddie

This is why I live in Northern climates - winters severely limit the size of these critters. Here in Nebraska, we don't have roaches the size of baseball bats. And alligators that can ring your doorbell to ask permission to lounge in your pool.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKristi

You don't scare me, I'm an Aussie! We have super venomous snakes and spiders that can kill you in minutes not to mention salt water crocodiles.

But if you could just do one of these posts for say, northern NSW I could also be too terrified to ever visit my inlaws again.

Also, does anyone know of a country that has no venomous snakes or spiders? I'm considering emigration.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterterrified of crocs

You forgot about the ROUS'. I'm sure Florida has loads of those!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterwildmaven

And here I thought that the heat was the worst thing about Florida!

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTrekkie Gal

Thank you for that terrifying informative guide to Florida. Next time, I'm going to Universal California.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJammies

Dear terrified of crocs,

tTe Pacific Northwest, by which I mean only that part of Washington State that lies north of the Columbia River and west of the Cascade Mountains (basically the Puget Sound region and a bit south), has no poisonous snakes, and only one poisonous spider which is rare and hides so is easy to avoid.

Though western British Columbia in Canada just to our north has the same environmental situation, and might be a lot easier for you to emigrate to.

Of course, the urban areas in both places have shockingly high housing prices, but there's a price to be paid for venom free.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterNanalettie

Dear Terrified of Crocs,

I believe that Norway and Sweden are a little short on snakes in general. I thought all spiders had venom.

As long as it's not a FOOT-LONG FREAKING FLYING COCKROACH/PALMETTO BUG/WATERBUG, I'm good. (A roommate once ran out of the back room with a .45, shouting, "Where? Where?" because, based on my screams, he thought someone had broken in and was killing me. No such luck; it was a GINORMOUS EWEWEWEWEWEW! WATERBUG strolling up my arm.) *shudders in horror at the memory*

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJMixx

Dear Terrified of Crocs - your near neighbour little old New Zealand has no snakes and no poisonous spiders. I grew up there and always wanted a snake as a pet, and now that I live in Australia we have a lovely sweet cuddly girl called Eve. And she looks very like the snake on the cake eating the mouse. Except for the bright green bit around the mouse's bum - quite often during the squeezing/swallowing process we do have mouse guts leakage but they are not a nice grassy green colour.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterGrumpyMum

Aaaaaahhh! Poo snake! The blue dots do not help.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAnother Jen

I live in Florida. I'll take one of these over palmetto bugs any day. At least they don't fly.

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterzeldabird

One of those snakes looks familiar -- I believe I may have dated him...

April 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterZippy

Well now I will never set foot anywhere near Florida for fear of that 46 dollar monstrosity killing me lol. It probably will in my sleep. Ugh thanks wreckerators lol.

April 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterArlene Marie

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