It's Worse Than That, They're Dead, Jen
April 18, 2016 So Jen wants you to think our national parks are all fun and games and kayaking and snuggling baby otters and stuff. Well, we live in Florida, man! We have the Everglades where literally everything wants to kill and eat you. Or kill you and leave your body for something ELSE to eat you. But definitely with the killing thing.
What, you think I'm exaggerating?
;)
THIS ALLIGATOR WANTS TO EAT YOUR FACE.
That's right, a smashed cake alligator wants to kill you. It's serious down here, guys.
And then there's the snakes:
;)
"Help meeeee!"
Which this baker has so helpfully illustrated mid-murder.
We've got poison toads:
;)
"I want you to croak."
And snakes:
;)
GAAAAAAkeepscrollingkeepscrollingkeepscrolling
And giant angry spiders:
;)
Who team up with killer bees...
Did I mention the snakes?
;)
BECAUSE WE HAVE A LOT OF SNAKES.
Not to mention the armies of squirrel-sized mosquitoes:
;)
They're very friendly. No sense of personal space.
Piranhas:
;)
Seriously.
And panthers.
;)
NO LION.
Because of course we have panthers. Why wouldn't we have panthers?! I mean, what would a swamp be without FRIGGIN PANTHERS?!?!?!
So.
To sum up, if you come to one of Florida's many beautiful national parks, you're gonna die. Probably. Best not to chance it. Just go to Disney and marvel at the animatronic deer and bunnies, which are super lifelike this time of year.
This has been a public service announcement from Cheryl G., Kelly V., Tracey S., Anony M., Sarah G., Andrew W., Ashley M., Kelly R., & Gretchen T.
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Reader Comments (64)
In the Northwest, they're called cougars. Great video, though. And re Florida creatures: Ick. With those and Florida Man, I'll take the fires, rattlesnakes, cougars, wolves, grizzly bears, ticks, sweltering heat, frigid cold and rednecks of eastern Washington any time!
I know these are wrecks, but they're adorable! The squashed alligator is so cute!
WHY?! Why would anyone put such a realistic rat-eating shiny poop-snake on a CAKE?!
WHY???!???!
My sister thinks she's moving to Florida in a few months. Sending this post to her might change her mind. I hope.
How could anyone eat a cake that depicts a snake swallowing a rat? I couldn't be in the same room with that thing!
Having lived in Florida for two years (I now live in Southern California, thank you very much) - I have to agree w/Kyle and JMixx! If you can get used to the palmetto bugs and extremely LARGE spiders, grasshoppers, and all the other critters and throw in the 100% humidity for good measure- there's dam' little else that will scare or intimidate you!
Several years ago our place of business had trouble with gnats and we called in our local exterminator. We got to talking and he told me he lived in Florida for about a year as well as working there as an exterminator. I waxed nostalgic about all the critters and he said, "Yeah, no kidding. I saw some things there that I have NEVER seen anywhere else!" Yep.
I loved the Everglades when I was a child. We always carried a bag of mini marshmallows so we could stop & throw them to the alligators. (No lie! Of course, we are Canadian so we probably just expected the alligators to be nice. lol)
Hehe hee, now I have Star Trekkin' stuck in my head
The lion made me crack up! Just love it, ahahha great stuff!
Piranha cake? I thought that was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man visiting his grandma in Boca Ratton.
I'm a little sad there wasn't a manatee cake....we Floridians know you can find them right next to the alligators on any given street corner.
I legit read the piranha cake as "Special Order Futuristic Cake". That had me baffled for a moment until I realized what it really said. Oh, wait. I'm still confused.
And THIS is why I live in Washington state. OK - So every few years the entire eastern half of the state is on fire, but the scariest snake we have is the rattle snake. We do have black widow spiders and brown recluse spiders; but the mosquitos won't be carrying you away and the cougars and bears tend to stay in the mountains. . .mostly. We don't have alligators or piranhas or sink holes or. . .alligators or giant snakes. . .
John, I can HEAR your anxiety amping up. Smooshy Alligator Cake can't bite you. Unless the baker put sugar glass in it or something *Grinch grin*
Best. Post. Everrrrr.
And not just because I'm an escapee of Florida (held hostage in Naples for 15 years), and I kinda miss that stuff...uh, no.
That was just some excellent wit, my dear! Tnx!