The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
December 4, 2008 Yes, my friends, the time draws nigh: a season of love, joy, peace, goodwill towards those who think the same way you do - why, I can almost feel the warm fuzzies building towards critical mass as I type. Won't you join me in a moment of fuzzy-basking?
[basking] Mmmm.
Ok, enough of that. On to the Wreckage!
Now, while schools and religious and community organizations the world over strive to celebrate all the goodness of the season, bakeries are fighting back the only way they know how: with an unfolding drama of tragedy, anger, and mutation - right there among the rye and pumpernickel.
First, let's set the scene with a nice crackling fire in the ol' fireplace:
See, I know this is a fireplace (and not Mount Vesuvius) because it says "Fireplace" on the cake board. [tapping temple] I'm "smaht" like that.
Next let's meet some of the characters featured in this month's tale of Christmas*-gone-wrong:
Ah, here we have the Ghost of Reindeers Past, obviously rendered by a Salvador Dali enthusiast. The gaping hole where his nose used to be reminds us of the fragility of life; the melting ears of how rarely we stop to listen; and the giant red spooge of...uh... how we should always use a napkin after eating? Yeah, let's go with that.
Next there's Snappy, the stitched-together Yuletide monster:
He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches.
Oh, and let's not forget the Turdaphants:
These harbingers of Christmas "cheer" are perpetually puckered up, the better to suck your spirit dry with.
And finally, there's the Big Guy himself:
He just hasn't been the same since he lost his nose in that unfortunate sledding accident. Oh, and best not to let on that you can tell his beard is fake; that's how Rudolph got his trick knee.
Thanks to today's casting agents: Jennifer E., Carly O., Heidi A., Laura F., and Khara K!
* Yep, I've decided to live dangerously and use the word "Christmas" this month. If that offends you, rest assured that none of these Wrecks are going to make "Christmas" look good. :)
Reader Comments (183)
Are the round, scary things with the pretzel ears supposed to be Rudolph??
Are the red dollops that you thought were mouths actually red bulbs on the end of a horrid brown nose??
I swear that Dali Reindeer is a leftover easter bunny cake pan! Too funny
It looks like Snappy is a CCC! Not that he could be anymore frightening, though.
These are unbelieveable!
I didn't see the writing on the first one and I had no idea what it was!
"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."
THAT may be the best line I have ever read, in my humble opinion!!!
I had to laugh at the turd thingies... wow that was scarey! LOL. As to Christmas being used, well that is one of the holidays at this time of year. And you used Yule as well, so you covered those of us who are more pagan-y. ;) Now we just have to find some Ramadan and Channukah CakeWrecks and we'll be totally covered! *grin*
I think that first one (the dog-reindeer thing) might be an attempt at replicating the dog from How The Grinch Stole Christmas... he was quite an awkward looking dog.
But I'd have to google a picture of that dog to be able to tell.
I can't comment on the scary gingerbread man or the melting santa beard...
I've come across your blog a few time and finally made it here and now I see what all the fuss is about!!!! I'll keep my eyes peeled now... you are a genius!
Those have got to be some of the worst (best) wrecks I've ever seen! Absolutely unbelievable!
"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."
Best. Line. EVER.
This post cracked me up! I LOVE that the expectation is set so low for these "decorators" that it makes my small attempts at creativity look better! Thanks for sharing!
Okay I can't resist this one on Snappy, the gingerbread man?
"I vill pump you up!"
And that's all I'm going to say!
When I first scrolled down to that third cake, my first thought was that the black square was there for censoring purpouses.
Even though it says "fireplace", I'm not sure I believe it.
This is wrong on so many counts, especially the "fireplace" and monster. And ar those supposed to be cupcakes in the shape of a gingerbread man??? No.....
After reading Rebecca's comment and re-evaluating the picture... I think I might have to agree with her. I think that it might be an attempt at Rudolph. However, it kinda looks like Snuffy from Sesame Street to me... with a ball shoved up his trunk of course.
And all I hear when I look at Santa and his melting beard is the chorus of "An-gry eyes..." (sung to the tune of Hungry Eyes)
I love how the little black box on the "gingerbread" man looks like it's covering up his privates. Double-win for that baker!
I thought the first cake was actually a bunch of leftover turkeys, all piled on each other.
Guess it's been a long day.
I think the blue eyed reindeer may also be a CCC. Sure looks like it. Talk about some ugly cakes. As far as being PC...I have no problem calling something what it is....these are obviously Christmas cakes...if they were Hanakah cakes call them that. I am not a fan of everything being a "Holiday cake" so thank you for using the appropriate term.
Baker 1: What the hell is that?
Baker 2: A fireplace.
Baker 1: Ya better label it.
-Garret-
http://jimandgarret.blogspot.com/
Why is Santa so angry? I didn't think I was supposed to be scared of him!
I've looked at a lot of cakes here, but the Turdaphants cake is the first one to really scare me. I didn't realize what they might be until I read Rebecca's comment. Rudolph? Is that you?
"goodwill towards those who think the same way you do"
I think I love you for that line.
Egads! The horrors! Fireplace? right! The 'reindeer' actually reminds me of Max, the Grinch's dog, when he ties his ears up to put on the reindeer antlers. And does it have a mouth AND a weird red squiggle? That's one of the strangest things ever. I would think the red squiggle thing would be a nose...but it also has a 'nose'...so anyway you look at it, this animal has an extra appendage on it's face...Or it got a little crazy at the Reindeer Christmas party and has some frosting still on it's face...
"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."
That CCC may be a huge Fail, but that comment is an Epic WIN!
Turdaphants? Is it bad if I think the cupcake variety is almost cute? I'm sorry I'm sorry....(hang's head in shame then whispers, "but they are")
"On the first day of Cmas Cake Wrecks, Jen brought to me, a reindeer in the shape of a floppy-eared bunny!"
whoohoo! Thus begins the twelve days of Christmas Cake wrecks.
~Bonnie B~
omg, these wrecks are really wrecktacular this morning :) the dali reindeer - too funny!
how could anyone have a problem with you using the word christmas? you're not excluding anyone - you're just referencing the holiday you like this season :) I'm sure you'd be quick to post ramadan or kwanzaa cakes too :) I'll keep a look out...
Oh my, these are unrecognizable! And how are the turdaphants related to Christmas exactly?
I am so confused...
and a little scared...
hold me...
I can just hear the gears turning when the baker got done with the fireplace: ("Crap, I better write "Fireplace" somewhere so they know what it is")
Har-har-har! What a great crop o' cakes!
I would love to leave a witty comment right here, but I am speechless.
Santa looks like he vomited his beard off. Which, incidentally, I feel like doing now after seeing "Snappy." Wow. I believe the term I am looking for is "Hot. Ghetto. Mess."
And, that fireplace? No words will come.....
These "cakes" are absolutely amazing to me. I can't believe that a "professional" baker would sell these to anyone!
I thought the second one was a dog with a messed-up nose, sticking out his tongue. Still a wreck, but not quite as wreckish as a reindeer.
The 'gingerbread man' looks like some one tried to strangle him...
Thanks to Cake Wrecks, I don't know if I can ever look at chocolate frosting the same way again...
Wait - I thought Frosty was the one who melted, not Santa!
The first one looks like a turkey had a run in with a transport truck.
Did you note that the Dali Reindeer is a CCC? 'Cause it just makes the cake even more unpalatable... :)
-Johanna
Why would you hesitate to use "Christmas" when you're talking about Christmas-themed cakes? Presumably you wouldn't use it to describe wrecks related to other holidays. Don't buy into this whole "War on Christmas" crap. The only attacks on Christmas are when things that are ACTUALLY Christmas (like, you know, a decorated fir tree) are deemed to be "not Christmas". (Now, there's nothing inherently "Christmas" about greeting someone, and there's nothing insulting about "happy holidays".)
"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."
I haven't bought a Cake Wrecks shirt yet. If this one becomes available, I'm in!!
As for the first cake, I'm mildly disappointed there weren't any chestnuts roasting on that fire (at least I don't THINK there were). I would love to see what THOSE looked like.
Way to go using "Christmas!" Keep it up!
I LOVE these, thanks for making my break between a final and a final paper so much more enjoyable
Yay for using Christmas! Holidays, honestly? I'm more offended with them using holidays than they must be with me for using Christmas. Offended not only because they think we're forcing religion on them, but that they're ruining hundreds of years of tradition. It's a saying, like Good Morning.
That fireplace is hilarious!!!!!! I love this blog!
Kell
http://trulyhideousgifts.blogspot.com/
seriously, can sometime please send out a brown icing apb to all bakers ASAP?!?! It's just plain wrong.
The fireplace is terrifically unappetizing...and whoever eats that is going to go into major sugar shock. MAN that is a lot of icing!
When I first looked at Santa, I was trying to figure out if the icing fell off the side of the cake or if that was supposed to be Santa's smile. LOL
And Snappy? I will have nightmares.
Snort. This clears the sinuses.
We need a cover-the-keyboard alert.
That gingerbread man is a CCC---and it looks like a stick-up.
Fireplace? Huh?
The pretzel reindeer is obviously swiped from a Krafts-for-Kids magazine.
The Santa. Oh dear Christ the Santa. These are too much!
Good thing they told us it was a fireplace. It looks to me like they have left over Fall colored frosting and decided to just poop it all on a cake and try and pretend it was intentional
Okay, the "Fireplace" logs look like a re-vamped "Thanksgiving Turkey" that was leftover and recycled.
The rest of them just scream "What the F*%# is THAT?"
Clearly Mr. Dali Reindog is licking his chops in anticipation of chomping on the yummy Snappy gingerbread CCC that he can just see up to his right who taunts him... "Run, Run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, you're legless!" *sigh* If only the great decorator in the sky had given me legs!
--Becky
I would totally buy that gingerbread monster, if only for the hilarity. That Santa, however? He looks aaaaangry. He looks like he's about to pop a cap in whoever failed to finish his beard.
I believe the turdaphants are very happy to see us. Rotate the photo...but not with the kids in the room.
word verification: ginghton
the birthplace of gingham - don't ask about its checkered past
I think that second "cake" is supposed to be the Grinch's dog, Max from the animated version. I mean, shouldn't reindeer have antlers?
http://www.everwonder.com/david/thegrinch/33.jpg
PS - THE WORD VERIFICATION IS CRINGLE! Ahahahahaha
I'm pretty sure that gingerbread man is having issues with his adenoids.