The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
December 4, 2008 Yes, my friends, the time draws nigh: a season of love, joy, peace, goodwill towards those who think the same way you do - why, I can almost feel the warm fuzzies building towards critical mass as I type. Won't you join me in a moment of fuzzy-basking?
[basking] Mmmm.
Ok, enough of that. On to the Wreckage!
Now, while schools and religious and community organizations the world over strive to celebrate all the goodness of the season, bakeries are fighting back the only way they know how: with an unfolding drama of tragedy, anger, and mutation - right there among the rye and pumpernickel.
First, let's set the scene with a nice crackling fire in the ol' fireplace:
See, I know this is a fireplace (and not Mount Vesuvius) because it says "Fireplace" on the cake board. [tapping temple] I'm "smaht" like that.
Next let's meet some of the characters featured in this month's tale of Christmas*-gone-wrong:
Ah, here we have the Ghost of Reindeers Past, obviously rendered by a Salvador Dali enthusiast. The gaping hole where his nose used to be reminds us of the fragility of life; the melting ears of how rarely we stop to listen; and the giant red spooge of...uh... how we should always use a napkin after eating? Yeah, let's go with that.
Next there's Snappy, the stitched-together Yuletide monster:
He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches.
Oh, and let's not forget the Turdaphants:
These harbingers of Christmas "cheer" are perpetually puckered up, the better to suck your spirit dry with.
And finally, there's the Big Guy himself:
He just hasn't been the same since he lost his nose in that unfortunate sledding accident. Oh, and best not to let on that you can tell his beard is fake; that's how Rudolph got his trick knee.
Thanks to today's casting agents: Jennifer E., Carly O., Heidi A., Laura F., and Khara K!
* Yep, I've decided to live dangerously and use the word "Christmas" this month. If that offends you, rest assured that none of these Wrecks are going to make "Christmas" look good. :)
Reader Comments (183)
@Allyson: Well, Ramadan was a couple months ago, so I think we're clear on that one. I bet there's some fabulous potential for New Year's Wrecks, though.... Fireworks gone awfully wrong, Father Time, someone trying to spell Auld Lang Syne.... :)
I agree with Bonnie B., the small elephant rudolph cupcakes are very cute! But the larger version looks like a Snuffleupagus on crack. The Snappy "cake" is the worst cake I have seen in a while. And I read your blog every day so i've seen some bad cakes.
i stared at that first picture for forever on my dashboard page trying to figure out what it was. HOW is that a fireplace?! really, that's sad! i think they wrote "fireplace" on there after they finished because they didn't want to answer everyone's questions when they asked "what the heck is that?"
also...the second picture and the third picture were just...STRANGE. did they look at a picture of a reindeer and gingerbread man before they decided to make these? that was awful.
Dali? and cakes?
genuis.
I like Bonnie's idea about the '12 days of Christmas, My Cakewrecks broguht to me....'
And in closing, thank you for maintaining your non-PCness and using the name of the holiday correctly...long live Christmas and it's title.
*dies* at the sticker on the reindeer cake. "Pull Apart Cake". Bwahhaha....
Ahahaha. This post made me laugh so hard. The gingerbread-man wannabe cake is the scariest gingerbread dude I have ever seen.
And the turd pretzel reindeers...amazing!
The really sad thing is that Santa is the only cake I could identify what it was supposed to be! The rest... frightening!
Can we vote for a moratorium on Walmart theme cakes and cccs that were not special ordered. Every grocery store has bad cakes setting out for purchase, that's too east. I like the compare and contrast of "What I ordered vs. what I got", or wrecks that come from what should be a good bakery (Walmart need not apply).
I know it's exciting for people to take pictures and see them posted, but when your spending $20 at the local grocer's bakery you get what you pay for. I prefer the cakes that the bakery probably tried to charge $100+ for that shouldn't have ben allowed to see anything beyond the garbage bin.
I'm just sayin'. I do love the blog very much though.
"goodwill towards those who think the same way you do"
I love that comment. And it pretty much sums up why I'm NOT on the "holiday party" committee this year.
Wow! Ok. I'll admit I like icing a lot more than I like cake, but that fireplace - come on! That was enough icing to properly decorate a dozen cakes. Yuck!
The brown circles with the red "lips" reminded me of big birds imaginary friend Snuffalopagus. Not a resemblance of any Christmas character I've ever seen.
Great wreckage!!
Somebody garrotted Santa. He's bleeding out all over the cake plate and that glittery golden scarf.
Anonymous said...
The first one looks like a turkey had a run in with a transport truck.
December 4, 2008 10:52 AM
And here I was looking at it, and suddenly that "On top of Spaghetti" song comes to mind....
totally thought the gingerbread man had a lil somethin somethin censored out, but it was just a packing label
Snappy made me LOL. Santa is just sad.
They should put pepper in the fireplace cake so it can burn your mouth just like it burns your eyes!
Thanks for using the word "Christmas". It's nice. :)
Am I the only one who thinks that Snaps the CCC looks like ET at the North Pole?
Wow! That turdaphant's mouth looks eerily like my puppy's a$$ end when he had a bad case of hemorrhoids. YUCK! Won't be eating that.
Cupcake cakes are an abomination in the wrong hands. I thought there was an instruction manual out there.
The reindeer ccc looks like the little dog from the Grinch, after he gets run over by a whomobile.
Those reindeer cakes with the red noses look like sea elephants with cold sores. Eck.
And the santa cake. Obviously some hasn't heard that gravity was discovered. Gravity is something you need to make allowances for and take seriously.
wvotd motoge..."The cupcakes were all spooged together, in a motoge of wreck. Like birds of a feather, all flocking on wrecks"
Bad poetry, I has mad skillz.
Snappy the Gingerbread Man appears to have an entire doughnut lodged in his throat...or is suffering from a goiter. Or both.
Let me get this straight... a fireplace cake? For real? Even if it were possible to do that well, why would you bother? Nobody wants a fireplace cake.
Commentary is five star as usual. Dear God you crack me up.
It looks like santa is mellllllting.
"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."
Okay, that one almost gave me a heart attack. I was laughing so hard I couldn't catch my breath!
I agree that the fireplace cake was leftover fall colors plopped down. I can just hear the conversation:
"Boss, I used up the rest of the autumn frosting."
"Good job, Binky. Let's see your work."
*proudly shows Cake Wreck* "Pretty neat, huh?"
"Binky ... what the hell is that supposed to be?"
"A fireplace, boss! Can't you tell by the luscious black log I piped below the flames?"
"That's supposed to be fire? How about I fire you for wasting all that icing?"
"Boss, please don't fire me! I've got three kids, and I'm having enough trouble making ends meet as it is!"
"Well, you better think of a way to salvage that cake PDQ or you're out on your ear."
*pipes the word fireplace.
"Okay, Binky, you've saved your job. Put that one in the display case. Now go get to work on that gingerbread-man cupcake cake."
"Yes, Boss. Right away."
I can dream, can't I?
Word verification: tothr. If it's not one thing, it's tothr.
Is it really possible that I'm the only one who, when looking at that second monstrosity, sees Mr Hanky, the Christmas Poo?
Thanks for using "Christmas"... made my day. :) I'm not entirely sure why/how anyone could possibly be offended by that. After all, it *IS* Christmas, haha.
The wreckage is completely awesome. I want whatever those bakers are smoking. ;)
These are hiliarious! So glad I found your blog. And Merry Christmas!! A little early.
My 4 year old (amazing intuitive) daughter looked at the "fireplace" and said, "WHAT is THAT?"
Those things are all hideous, and I love your commentary today, too.
And I hope you're happy, resting in the knowledge that I can't read your blog in peace - the 4 yr old AND 2 yr old insist on being present also. Thanks a LOT for being so darn family-friendly.
I've decided to live dangerously and use the word "Christmas" this month. If that offends you
I assume you're being sarcastic, but just in case you're not, or that someone thinks you're serious: I'm a flaming atheist, and I'm http://www.ooblick.com/weblog/2008/12/04/war-on-christmas/" REL="nofollow">looking forward to Christmas for the same reasons everyone else is: trees, tinsel, presents, egg nog, parties, and, well, ugly but tasty cake wrecks. Yum!
I thought the Reindeer was Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo. He's quite Mr. Hanky-esqu.
I'm also quite sad for the Santa, and the reindeer with pretzel ears. My two-year-old said, "OH NO!" Of course, he says that a lot...but in this case I think he's on to something!!!
First, let's set the scene with a nice crackling fire in the ol' fireplace
When I first read that comment, I thought it said *mice* crackling fire, so I looked for the mice in it, dismayed that I couldn't see it.
*headdesk*
If these are the types of things people make/eat at Christmas, I'm glad I celebrate Chanukah! ;)
The holidays have never been so unappetizing for me... thanks ;)
Long Time Lurker - I love your blog, but I am sorely disappointed that you are not included in the hot blogger 2009 calendar.
- Jennifer
Snappy is just another example that CCCs should not exist!
The placement of the sticker on Snappy makes me feel as if he's got something censored, which makes it even creepier - if possible.
Kudos to you for not tiptoeing around the word Christmas! Love the blog, keep the wrecks coming
:-)
Oh my crap. Those are hilarious. Seeing these totally changed my grouchy demeanor today. Thanks for the laugh.
OK. The first "cake" (and I use that term loosely) reminds me of 1st grade when I labeled things in my "masterpieces" .. desk, table, lamp, etc. My teacher told me I did not have to do that because people would know what I was drawing, presumably. I guess the first cake "decorator" never got that memo ...
I don't know, Santa looks pretty pissed off to me - what's with the scowling eyebrows? Was everybody naughty this year?
Ha, I like Anon, thought the black square was a censor bar. :D
I also think that "turdiphants" is way better than what I thought about when I saw those nassy 'trunks'
When I looked at the first reindeer, I thought it was supposed to be a dog with a bloody tongue.
Is the "fireplace" a CCC??
It looks like one..
God help us if it is!
"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."
Thankfully, I wasn't eating or drinking when I read this because I laughed so hard at that line. What a hot mess. Where do they find these decorators? Are they dropouts from culinary school???
"I assume you're being sarcastic, but just in case you're not, or that someone thinks you're serious: I'm a flaming atheist, and I'm looking forward to Christmas for the same reasons everyone else is: trees, tinsel, presents, egg nog, parties, and, well, ugly but tasty cake wrecks. Yum!"
Repeated in order for me to say "seconded"!
Of course you should use the "Christmas" when referring to these wrecks. No one else wants 'em!
"Yep, I've decided to live dangerously and use the word 'Christmas' this month. If that offends you, rest assured that none of these Wrecks are going to make 'Christmas' look good."
You gentiles crack me up. So much tsuris over the birth of a little Jewish baby boy.
Cake is the great equalizer - delicious no matter the theme.
OMOGSH I am laughing so hard.
The fact that they had to label the fireplace in order for it to be identified has me cracking up. I think that is officially the funniest cake ever.
For some reason the pretzel eared thing reminds me of Mr Potato Head.
Now listen Jen,
I told you to stop it when you did the Thanksgiving Wrecks - you made my bladder go into overdrive AND now youv'e started up with Christmas Wrecks. I've had to go and buy another box of Depends. For God's sake woman - Have pity on the elderly!
To Rebecca the first commenter - thank you for clearing up what the red blobs were. Bulbs. I absolutely went blank on that.
And why does santa look like he's in a wind tunnel?
I want to know if these actually get sold and how many have to be thrown away.
the fireplace looks like a popped zit.
Why does Santa's beard look like it's melting off his face!
I thought the fireplace was a slice of pizza. Nothing says Merry Christmas like the works!