The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
December 4, 2008 Yes, my friends, the time draws nigh: a season of love, joy, peace, goodwill towards those who think the same way you do - why, I can almost feel the warm fuzzies building towards critical mass as I type. Won't you join me in a moment of fuzzy-basking?
[basking] Mmmm.
Ok, enough of that. On to the Wreckage!
Now, while schools and religious and community organizations the world over strive to celebrate all the goodness of the season, bakeries are fighting back the only way they know how: with an unfolding drama of tragedy, anger, and mutation - right there among the rye and pumpernickel.
First, let's set the scene with a nice crackling fire in the ol' fireplace:
See, I know this is a fireplace (and not Mount Vesuvius) because it says "Fireplace" on the cake board. [tapping temple] I'm "smaht" like that.
Next let's meet some of the characters featured in this month's tale of Christmas*-gone-wrong:
Ah, here we have the Ghost of Reindeers Past, obviously rendered by a Salvador Dali enthusiast. The gaping hole where his nose used to be reminds us of the fragility of life; the melting ears of how rarely we stop to listen; and the giant red spooge of...uh... how we should always use a napkin after eating? Yeah, let's go with that.
Next there's Snappy, the stitched-together Yuletide monster:
He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches.
Oh, and let's not forget the Turdaphants:
These harbingers of Christmas "cheer" are perpetually puckered up, the better to suck your spirit dry with.
And finally, there's the Big Guy himself:
He just hasn't been the same since he lost his nose in that unfortunate sledding accident. Oh, and best not to let on that you can tell his beard is fake; that's how Rudolph got his trick knee.
Thanks to today's casting agents: Jennifer E., Carly O., Heidi A., Laura F., and Khara K!
* Yep, I've decided to live dangerously and use the word "Christmas" this month. If that offends you, rest assured that none of these Wrecks are going to make "Christmas" look good. :)
Reader Comments (183)
Here's what my 4 year old says about the Santa cake... "Why's he look so mean? Maybe he's mad that he's messed up." Children are so perceptive!
I'm ROTFLMAO and have been all day! Between the commentary and the comments I.can't.stop.laughing.
HILARIOUS!!!
I especially like Claire's observation of the popped zit and the fireplace "wreck"! That description is just about perfect!
Oh.My.God... I'm laughing again! Somebody stop me!!!!!!!!
OH MY WORD!! This site is hilarious. Now I will have to be on the lookout for really bad cakes whenever I go to the store. HA HA HA
Thanks for the laugh!
Julie
Well this is probably the hardest I have ever laughed at anything on the internet!!!
I love it.
: )
My 3-year old thought the fireplace cake was supposed to be a pile of garbage.
I agree with everyone who's probably STILL laughing at
"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."
CLASSIC.
And the "goodwill to those who think the same as you do."
I'm so going to sign my holiday--strike that--Christmas cards that way this year. Beeyotches!
This may be the best post I've seen all year from any blog. Thank you!
Somehow I doubt there are going to be any Hanukkah, Yule, or Kwanzaa cake wrecks. (But if there ARE, you better post them!)
Okay, to the comments about Ramadan, that was months ago. They also probably wouldn't make cakes for it, considering it's a month-long fasting period....
As for the use of the word Christmas, I do agree with the others there. I think the whole thing started with people getting offended when you would be in a store or something and at the end of the interaction (say when they hand you the shopping bag) they'd say Merry Christmas. I'm pretty sure no one cares if you use the word "Christmas" in reference to actual Christmas items. Otherwise all the stands would be advertising "holiday trees" right now.
don't participate in the dumb war on Christmas thing. I love your site. but the deal is, no one except bill o'reilly really thinks there is a war on saying merry Christmas, people can say whatever they want. Don't be silly and don't perpetuate this nonsense. ugh
I thought the fireplace cake was actually a pile of laundry! And Santa looks like an angry pirate!
3littlepigs
THANK YOU for using the word Christmas!! And I am totally keeping my eyes open for wrecks. Haven't found any yet, but I'm waiting...
RE: 'reindeer' cake
1. Notice how they labeled it a 'pull apart cake' to try to avoid the stigma of being a CCC.
2. The 'gaping hole where his nose used to be' just reminds me of Michael Jackson. I'm just sayin'.....
im probably the only one who thinks the first cake looks like a giant orgy :S
"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."
I need to stop drinking when I read this blog...that's another monitor covered in soda... *g*
Word verification: "begzati". Descriptive of holiday cake wrecks; i.e. "I would never put something THAT begzati alongside my Christmas dinner."
Haha, i really thought the first one was a volcano but then i saw the fireplace thingy on the side!
Tears are streaming down my face over that gingerbread CCC. my 12 year old son came up to see what my deal was and he laughed just as hard.
It looks like it was made by someone with their dominant hand in a cast because it was mangled in a freak KitchenAid accident.
I've honestly never laughed so hard... "He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches"? Classic!
karen
Thank you for using the word Christmas!!!!
"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."
I have to agree with the others: Best. Line. EVER.
I don't think using Christmas is living dangerously. I have never actually met anyone offended by the use of "Christmas," just people who are offended by "Holidays."
Santa's beady eyes are scaring the hell out of me...
Sorry if this is too graphic, but pretzel-antlered Rudolph's nose looks like a condom. Ewww.
I thought the top was another turkey cake at first. I'm still not convinced that it's not a recycled turkey cake.
I have a freaky weird idea. Why not make a gingerbread man from... um..gingerbread?
Seriously these were hysterical!
oh my freakin' gawd... usually check this in the morning - got a little late today.
I have to say (a) even with the description, I don't see a "fire place". I see an abombination. Of a farce. Of a crap-fest. That doesn't even look edible.
(b) The "reindeer" looks like Rudolph AND the Grinch AND a sack of crap got lodged in that teleportation machine from "The Fly" and ended up in a big-box cake department
(c) Gingy. Oh, poor Gingy. "Not the Gumdrop buttons!!!" Dear, sweet Gingy, the gumdrop buttons are the least of your worries!
(d) & (e) I don't even have time for this... just flick some crap at a cake & some poor schmuck will buy it.
[sigh] faith. in. humanity... fading... fading...
Top one: Yeah, my fireplace always burns Pepto pink and pantsuit yellow...
He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches
Yeah, as soon as he finishes swallowing whatever that thing bulging from the bottom of his neck is.
Um....that is a neck right?
But it is Christmas!!! And fyi, I wouldn't be offended if you talked about Hanukkah or Kwanzaa....Christmas is a NATIONAL holiday after all...
I, too, kept thinking the gingerbread man had a censored crotch!
Maybe the angry Santa is the evil Robot Santa from Futurama?
The first one looks like a seriously messed up and burned pizza.
Jen and Mandee - I agree! The reindeer/dog CCC is most certainly a relative of Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo!
Love this blog, Jen! You always bring a bright spot to my days.
I'm sorry, but the first thought I had when I saw the "reindeer" was
"Isn't that nice, a 'Mr. Hankey' cake!"
Sad indeed.
Hey, I know that Santa cake! It's from Brighton, MA. I pass that bakery several times a week, and mentioned angry Santa to the wife just last week.
Around Thanksgiving, they had a turkey-topped cake with a more severe version of the same problem: all that was left on top of the cake was a plastic top hat sitting on a brown stain. The rest of the frosting turkey had slid off and drizzled into a squelchy brown pile on the floor of the display. Ew.
Lesson: don't display your cakes on an angle.
My first thought when I saw the reindeer CCC was that it was a dog.
The Turdaphants seriously cracked me up. I needed a good laugh; had a long day. That's what keeps me coming back to Cake Wrecks. Keep up the good work! (You too, Bakeries.)
Can you believe I came just to see the fireplace again? It still cracks me up. Especially the label.
lol, magnifique !
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wow, they are bad...
This is the first time that I've commented, but I just wanted to say thanks for a very amusing blog. Sometimes it really makes my day :)
Alison
These actually took my breath away with horror.
Amazing.
I so love your website!!!!
The black box on the ginger monster frightened me, while I was scrolling. My eye didn't register the gap between the horror itself and the censor block. "What thuh?! Oh...oh..."
I have to stop reading this when I haven't had enough sleep. I totally thought the elephant/reindeer things are adorable. Yeah, I know. But they are!
I need more sleep, clearly.
Also, when first scrolling through this I was on the phone at work so couldn't really read along. I had NO IDEA what that first cake was. I didn't notice the "fireplace" written in icing along the side. It looked something like a pile of autumn leaves to me.
Good lord. It looks like Santa just unhinged his jaw!
Aaaa. The Turephants look like Trumpy from MST3K's Pod People.
BTW, thank for getting hooked to Dr. Who? Love it.
No salt-monster sucking the life out of Bones ref, Jen? Tut, tut, tut, I might just start doubting your geek cred, Jen. ;-)
Note to cake "decorator" (I say that term loosely): If you have to write what the cake is on the board or cake itself (on the price label is okay, I suppose) you may want to look into other career options!
It's OK to say Merry Christmas! The holiday is a celebration of Christ's birth!
Can't...quit...laughing...at Snappy!!!! That's the most hilarious excuse for a gingerbread man EVER!
I just saw some icing goatse's. Uggh...
Looks like these bakeries need to be reminded of what reindeer and Santa look like.
Amy B
THANK YOU for saying Merry Christmas... people have lived with that phrase for who know how long, they can keep putting up with it, wimps!
Made my day!
Long time reader, first time comment...
I just have to say, I've had an absolutely craptacular week and I can always count on reading your blog for a good laugh. This post particularly made me smile when I really needed to. And not even just a smile, but a laugh too.
I love it :)
I thought the notion that there's a War on Christmas was made up by nutters. I was wrong.
Judging by these cake wrecks, I now know that Christmas lost. Happy Festivus, I guess.
Turdaphants!!!! LOL!