The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
December 4, 2008 Yes, my friends, the time draws nigh: a season of love, joy, peace, goodwill towards those who think the same way you do - why, I can almost feel the warm fuzzies building towards critical mass as I type. Won't you join me in a moment of fuzzy-basking?
[basking] Mmmm.
Ok, enough of that. On to the Wreckage!
Now, while schools and religious and community organizations the world over strive to celebrate all the goodness of the season, bakeries are fighting back the only way they know how: with an unfolding drama of tragedy, anger, and mutation - right there among the rye and pumpernickel.
First, let's set the scene with a nice crackling fire in the ol' fireplace:
See, I know this is a fireplace (and not Mount Vesuvius) because it says "Fireplace" on the cake board. [tapping temple] I'm "smaht" like that.
Next let's meet some of the characters featured in this month's tale of Christmas*-gone-wrong:
Ah, here we have the Ghost of Reindeers Past, obviously rendered by a Salvador Dali enthusiast. The gaping hole where his nose used to be reminds us of the fragility of life; the melting ears of how rarely we stop to listen; and the giant red spooge of...uh... how we should always use a napkin after eating? Yeah, let's go with that.
Next there's Snappy, the stitched-together Yuletide monster:
He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches.
Oh, and let's not forget the Turdaphants:
These harbingers of Christmas "cheer" are perpetually puckered up, the better to suck your spirit dry with.
And finally, there's the Big Guy himself:
He just hasn't been the same since he lost his nose in that unfortunate sledding accident. Oh, and best not to let on that you can tell his beard is fake; that's how Rudolph got his trick knee.
Thanks to today's casting agents: Jennifer E., Carly O., Heidi A., Laura F., and Khara K!
* Yep, I've decided to live dangerously and use the word "Christmas" this month. If that offends you, rest assured that none of these Wrecks are going to make "Christmas" look good. :)
Reader Comments (183)
Love your blog! Christmas is still a recognized holiday for 88% of Americans. So, who ya worried about offending? maggie
That CCC isn't a gingerbread man, it's a black face mime with a goiter. I'm sure.
The CCC gingerbread man made my 4 year old cry.
my son is four, and autistic and thought your large reindeer looked like they were crying
Oh boy! This is one of my favorite blogs ever, yet i never commented until today - I had to after seeing that steroid raging gingerbread man.
Thanks for the laugh....still laughing....
Goodness. I thought the Reindeer was Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo at first
Jen, these cakes are dealing specifically with Christmas. That in and of itself excludes you from any snarky comments. If you or a reader finds any Kwanzaa/Yule/Hanukkah/whatever wrecks, however, post them please! Every holiday has its wrecks and the all deserve to be laughed at! Long live equal-opportunity snarking!
Hubby saw the "fireplace" cake and thought it was an orgy! LMAO! What is with the flesh coloring in the fire?
So funny. I actually ran across a wreck today . . . I even took a picture, but my phone didn't save it! I was at the mall, and one of the giant cookie stands had a decorated "Santa" head (a heart cookie upside-down, so the point was the 'hat' and the curves were his 'beard,' nevermind that someone had chopped a big wedge out of the middle of it . . . ) Hopefully someone else will see it and submit it . . .
Turdaphants!??! I've never seen anything on a cake that comes so close to a replica of something I'd find in my son's diaper. EWWWWWW!!!
I don't know if you you noticed but the reindeer has a stick on it that says pull apart cake and its apparently 24 cupcakes... Pull apart cake... how unattractive
There are so many elements wrong with this!
Jan - the first thing I thought of was Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo also!
My 2 year old son just saw a picture of Snappy the scary, um, gingerbread man and said, "what's that? Horse?"
Michelle
Looks like the gingerbread man has some sort of palsy
Imagine the screaming 4-year old when the first cupcake is taken from the side of the head of the gingerbread man. He looks terrified already.
Judi
That fireplace looks like a huge bed with a bunch of naked women in an orgy...... I'm serious
Turdaphants!!!!!!! I think I just wet my pants!
Okay, I will give the "fireplace" cake decorator as break: at least s/he KNEW it was crap and labeled it.
Also, the SNappy thing was HI.LArious. NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Has anyone ever in their life met anyone who was offended by the word "Christmas"?
thought not
Dear John Heathing,
Every member of the ACLU, atheists and curmudgeons.
It's rare we get comments on posts this old.
Have a merry day!
john
I laughed so hard I thought I would vomit. Really.
I cried at the "Turdaphants" and had to send a link to my co-worker so she wouldn't think I'd lost my mind. OMG! "Snappy" is awesome, too!
These are adorable- I love your cakes!
Sara
Snappy, the stitched-together Yuletide monster seems to have had his arms and legs swapped around... all the better to be eaten with??
ARE YOU FOR REAL bakers have actually made and tried to sell those horrific things? I have never seen cakes so appetite-killing before!! (That gingerbread thing- aaaah!!) Love the site! Keep it up!
The turdaphants have colostomy mouths! Really, REALLY authentic looking, too.
I laughed so hard that my throat is sore and I drooled on my keyboard!
It looks like the Gingerbread Man had to be censored - the location of that black sticker appears to be hiding his personals, something I was not aware a gingerbread had or needed.
The Turdaphants look like Mr Potatoheads gone wrong...horribly wrong...
I just discovered your site and I am enjoying myself soooo much! I've been in my office laffing my @ss off and trying to contain it so my boss or employees don't feel the need to give me CPR! I love your sense of humor along with the pics of Cake Wrecks. And, Christmas is fine with me!
Sharon Stephens, Wichita KS.
These are hilarious!! And this is why I don't make my own cakes. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time so thanks for that!
See...the top three pics(painfully obvious they are CCCs) just prove the point that you can't make chicken salad out of chicken sh*t, no matter HOW MUCH mayo you use.
Pleeease: let cupcakes be cupcakes, and stop creating these sugared abominations that haunt my dreams!