The Search for the World's Most Disturbing Shower Cake ENDS HERE

You know how I'm always telling you baby butt cakes could be so much worse?

Things are about to get so much worse.

Heads up!

Wow. This is so stinkin' sexy, I almost didn't even notice the outie belly button.

Because fetus cookies are SO last year:

Goes great with mother's milk.

And lots of screaming.

Proving once again that bakers are taking posts on this blog as inspiration:

I'm torn (ha! Ew.) between asking what that gray pouch thing hanging out is and desperately, desperately, not wanting to know. In fact, know what? Don't tell me. I'm never having kids, so knowing what the inner lining's poop chute or whatever looks like is just one of those things I never need to know. Seriously. Leave me to my blissful ignorance.

And finally, look. I realize that a lot of talent was required to make some of these wrecks - I do! However, no amount of talent will ever make any part of this look yummy to me:

In fact, you could say the amount of talent a baker has when making a placenta has an inverse reaction to how much I want to eat said placenta.

Or, in other words:

SWEET BETTY CROCKER I AM NEVER EATING AGAIN.

Thanks to Matt R., Sarah M., Carl G., & Heather A. for today's gut-busters. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to skip lunch.

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

And from my other blog, Epbot:

You Want Vagina Cakes? I'LL GIVE YOU VAGINA CAKES.

WARNING:

This post is so completely not-safe-for-work that I advise waiting til you get home, clearing the area of innocents, and then blinding yourself with Tabasco sauce before proceeding.

Did I mention this post is NSFW? And, like, super gross?

Yes?

Ok.

I notice you're still scrolling.

Last chance to turn back!

Fine.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

******

I'm not usually one to bow to peer pressure, peeps, but this past week it seems all anyone is talking about are vagina cakes. Suddenly reporters are clamoring at my inbox again, demanding to know my "favorite vagina cake" and the best resuscitation techniques for scandalized mothers-in-law. Major websites are plundering Pinterest and posting as many strawberry-filled, chocolate sprinkles sprinkled hoo-haws as they can find, with captions like "EMPOWERING OR ICKY? ONE TODDLER FINDS OUT."

I blame myself.

And Stephen Fry.

So I've held out as long as I can, really, I have. But the time has come. Yes, the people want what the people want, and I am here to give it to those people.

Plus, these other vagina cakes everyone's posting? Puh-LEASE. Those things are NOTHING - NOTHING - compared to what I'm faced with on a daily basis.

So today, you guys get to feel my pain. Today the gloves - and the censor bars - come off.

Presenting:

The Top 9 Completely Not-Safe-For-Work, Thoroughly Traumatizing, (Sort of) Anatomically Correct and Most Horrendously Graphic Vagina Cakes Of All Time... SO FAR.

You've seen the rest. Now see the most horrifying.

I'll ease you in with a couple of nice, safe examples:

HIYA.

If you turn your head to the side, this next one could almost be that Beetlejuice shrunken-head guy shrugging while wearing a turtleneck:

You totally see it, don't you.

Now, the overhead view:

(Well, technically it's the "underbum" view, but let's not split lips hairs.)

Oh, and you'll soon learn to appreciate the lack of strawberry jam.

(By Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes)

See?

If you squint a little, you might be able to convince yourself this next one is just a demon baby enjoying a nice hot tub filled with bloody entrails:

Best not to dwell too long on the curly pig-tail thing, though.

Believe it or not, I'm pretty sure demon baby up there is the only homemade vagina cake on this list. Yep, professional bakers are downright PROUD of their crowning achievements, as evidenced by all the nicely photographed and watermarked variations popping up (and out):

Please, bakers. NO MORE HAND OUTS.

In fact, Jo Norton of Just JoJos was all too eager to tell me she was inspired by this very blog to make... [swallowing]...to make... [deep breath]... THIS:

That sound you just heard was me weep-gagging.

WEEP-GAGGING FOREVER.

Also: I KNEW IT. I KNEW bakers were getting inspiration from the wrecks I post. [fist pump] HA!

[sitting back down]

Granted, this is a somewhat hollow victory...

I've been hanging on to this next cake for literally YEARS, figuring if I ever wanted to shut down the blog in a blaze of phallus-filled, amniotic fluid soaked glory, this was my surefire ticket out:

BOOM, BABY.

And yet, that dong-a-riffic, anatomically impossible horror fest up there STILL isn't the worst.

The worst is just SO worse, my friends, that I'm going to give you one more chance to walk away. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF STAYPUFT, WALK... AWAY.

You're still scrolling.

[sigh] Ok. Sorry.

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

(It's mostly made of marzipan. Does that help? No? Yeah, didn't think so.)

Rain down your curses and dry heaves upon Libbie A., Anony M., Brenna, Mary C., Mel M., Jo N., Allie C., and Heather B. for bringing us today's inspiration to skip lunch. And dinner. And all food for ever and all time.

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

And from my other blog, Epbot: