Instant Pride

[announcer voice] Uh-oh! Does this ever happen to you?

Significant other: "Honey, don't forget to grab the Independence Day cake for the party tonight!"

You: "Independy whatnow?"

Well, don't you worry. You'll never overlook another patriotic holiday again! Introducing a revolutionary new technology in dessert Americana:

Plastic Flag!™

Just throw Plastic Flag™ on any pre-existing cake for an instant patriotic upgrade!

Bachelor party tonight? Not anymore! Just look at the difference Plastic Flag™ makes:

Samuel Adams says, "Plastic Flag™ is always a good decision."

Or get your buns in gear by patrioticsizing that cheeseburger cake!

Well done!

Has your creativity gone fishin'? No problem!

Your guests will fall for Plastic Flag™ hook, line, and sinker.

Plus, order now and we'll throw in a free special gift sure to delight kids of all ages:

Patriotic Pecans™!

That's right: Order within the next ten minutes and you'll receive our patented Patriotic Pecans™ cake toppers, absolutely free! (Just pay our exorbitantly priced shipping and handling fees.)

Throw a few dozen Patriotic Pecans ™ to one side of Plastic Flag™ for a super-blast of extra pecan pride! Your guests will go nuts when they see the detail you've put into this delicious national treasure.

Order now!

Warning, April Z., Lisa P., Rose B., Jenn P., and Joan L.: Plastic Flag™ may be considered a choking hazard and should not be placed on food. Plastic Flag™ may contain traces of nuts, soy, or botulinal neurotoxins. "Patrioticsizing" is not a real word and should not be used as such. Plastic Flag™ hates puppies. Do not taunt Plastic Flag™.

What's THAT Supposed to Mean?

Sometimes, when I'm really grumpy (wha-aat? Jen gets grumpy? Get OUT!) I like to amuse myself by taking every little thing John says exactly the wrong way.

John: "So, you want a sub for dinner?"

Me: "Why? 'Cuz I'm too FAT to have a burrito? Huh? Is *that* what you're saying?"

John: "No! I just thought you might be hungry!"

Me: "Oh, I see, because I'm ALWAYS hungry, right? RIGHT?!?"

John: [backing away slowly before sprinting from the room.]

It's loads of fun.

Anyway, I can only imagine how much fun this lady had:

"Start talking, mister, or you'll be looking for wife #2 real fast."

Buddy? Nope. Not anymore.

Here's one way to tackle a friend's hairy situation:

"Cynthia, sweetie, this is an intervention."
[starting electric razor] "Grab her, girls!!"

When your dad turns the big 4-0, you want a cake that shows not only just how much you love him, but also how much time, thought,and effort went into finding him juuust the right design:

"Hmm...this purse design is a little plain. Oh! I know! Do you have any of those plastic Cinderella slippers back there? Yes? PERFECT."

Or, if that doesn't do the trick:

"I had them add the arrow so you wouldn't miss the teeny tiny heart. See how small it is? How there's all that extra room it *could* have occupied? Yeah? Good. Just checking."

Hillary H., Kris, Cynthia P., Mark R., & Kjaere, I love you guys this much. Which is to say, enough to type your names here.