Wreck'd History: Columbus Day

WARNING: Today's post, while hysterical, is also EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL. We did not anticipate or intend this, but there it is. So, if you are perhaps related to or otherwise a huge fan of Christopher Columbus, you may want to skip this post. Please. For all our sakes. It's just better that way.

Tl, dr: STOP READING THIS IF YOU LOVE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.

***

THE COMPLETELY TRUE STORY OF COLUMBUS DAY

told with cake

A long time ago, there was this guy named Christopher Columbus.

He was kind of a schmuck.

Columbus wanted to sail around the world, so he met with King John II of Portugal:

(It's a king cake. Try to keep up.)

...and asked the king for some boats and a crapton of money:

Mmmm greeeeasy...

King John politely declined.

Not to be discouraged, Columbus went to Spain and met with Ferdinand and Isabella, who were way cooler about the whole thing:

"Dat voyage is WHACK!"

So they gave him everything he wanted and promised him the title of Admiral of the Seas because they figured he'd probably kill himself anyway.

Columbus set sail, and eventually Rodrigo de Triana, a lookout on the Pinta, caught sight of land:

Beautiful.

...but Columbus claimed he saw it first, because he was kind of a... well...

Yeah. That.

Eventually, they made it to shore and called the "new discovery" San Salvador.

Meanwhile, the locals were like:

That's when Chris noticed a few of the locals were wearing gold, and decided it was a good time to take them prisoner and/or kill them:

Have I mentioned what a swell guy he was?

Then Columbus sailed around some more:

...and eventually wrecked the Santa Maria.

Bummer.

Sadly he didn't die, though, and went on to bring lots of wonderful things to the "new" world, like disease:

...and other diseases:

...and corn*.

Which is why Columbus day is stupid.

So happy Canadian Thanksgiving, everyone!

Gooble 'til you wooble!

Thanks to Gwynne O., Lisa, Becky B., Michelle B., Kasi K., Lizzy B., Melody, Judie V., Leicia G., Michael S., Laurel L., Michele D., Monique R., Sabrina P., Juanita G., and Leif E. for doing it right the first time.

(*Jen: "I don't think he brought corn..."
John: "Shhhhhh.")

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

And from my other blog, Epbot:

The Magical Story Of Labor Day

Ah, Labor Day. A day when we celebrate labor and all of its laborious labors.

And who among us hasn't labored over laborious labors at some point in our labors? Heck, you may be laboring right now! You might even be IN labor! And that's the labor regarding which I have begun to labor over this post. Laboriously. And from a guy's point of view.*

(*Bearing in mind that, since I AM a guy**, I've never had to bear children myself - laboriously or otherwise.)

(**This is john, btw)

So it all starts innocently enough. There you are, minding your own business with your nicely chiseled six-pack...

...when BLAM!, some dude comes along and gets all up in your business!

Okay, that came out wrong.

The point is: you're pregnant. And now your belly looks like this:

Which kind of reminds me of this plumber I once knew...

Or, if you're of the clothing persuasion, like this:

Because pregnant ladies like to carry baby gherkins in their underwear.
You know, weird cravings and all that.

Anyway, a couple of weeks later the kid wants out:

In the worst way.

And NOW you're ready to labor laboriously. Which you might think would look like this:

"Aw! Just lookit that teensy tiny baby! I bet that didn't hurt a bit!"

Yeeeeah... no.

In reality, it tends to look more like this:

Only, you know, more goopiness, screaming, nudity, and the doctor's skin under your fingernails. Really, it's kinda like a SAW movie, except you can't sleep afterward because there's an unfamiliar person screeching in your room, as opposed to just in your nightmares.

And then, after all that hard labor, you have a beautiful baby:

Who may or may not kill you in your sleep.

I mean, probably not, but there's really no guarantee.

So anyway, good luck with that, and happy Labor Day!

Meredith, Stephanie A., Anony M., Gina R., Stephen, Ginn, & Julie W., may your labors never be in vain. Or in cake, for that matter.

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

And from my other blog, Epbot: