Wreck'd History: Columbus Day
October 8, 2018 WARNING: Today's post, while hysterical, is also EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL. We did not anticipate or intend this, but there it is. So, if you are perhaps related to or otherwise a huge fan of Christopher Columbus, you may want to skip this post. Please. For all our sakes. It's just better that way.
Tl, dr: STOP READING THIS IF YOU LOVE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
***
THE COMPLETELY TRUE STORY OF COLUMBUS DAY
told with cake
A long time ago, there was this guy named Christopher Columbus.
;)
He was kind of a schmuck.
Columbus wanted to sail around the world, so he met with King John II of Portugal:
;)
(It's a king cake. Try to keep up.)
...and asked the king for some boats and a crapton of money:
;)
Mmmm greeeeasy...
King John politely declined.
;)
Not to be discouraged, Columbus went to Spain and met with Ferdinand and Isabella, who were way cooler about the whole thing:
;)
"Dat voyage is WHACK!"
So they gave him everything he wanted and promised him the title of Admiral of the Seas because they figured he'd probably kill himself anyway.
;)
Columbus set sail, and eventually Rodrigo de Triana, a lookout on the Pinta, caught sight of land:
;)
Beautiful.
...but Columbus claimed he saw it first, because he was kind of a... well...
;)
Yeah. That.
Eventually, they made it to shore and called the "new discovery" San Salvador.
Meanwhile, the locals were like:
;)
That's when Chris noticed a few of the locals were wearing gold, and decided it was a good time to take them prisoner and/or kill them:
;)
Have I mentioned what a swell guy he was?
Then Columbus sailed around some more:
;)
...and eventually wrecked the Santa Maria.
;)
Bummer.
Sadly he didn't die, though, and went on to bring lots of wonderful things to the "new" world, like disease:
;)
...and other diseases:
;)
...and corn*.
;)
Which is why Columbus day is stupid.
So happy Canadian Thanksgiving, everyone!
;)
Gooble 'til you wooble!
Thanks to Gwynne O., Lisa, Becky B., Michelle B., Kasi K., Lizzy B., Melody, Judie V., Leicia G., Michael S., Laurel L., Michele D., Monique R., Sabrina P., Juanita G., and Leif E. for doing it right the first time.
(*Jen: "I don't think he brought corn..."
John: "Shhhhhh.")
*****
Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.
And from my other blog, Epbot:
Reader Comments (25)
You pretty well nailed that story! Your version is much closer to the truth than the history books.
Bahahahahahahaha XD although to be fair, the syphilis might not have been his fault, as there were related strains of that bacteria in that part of the world before his voyage/micro nerd.
What an "insightful" history lesson. I can't wait to see how John tells us how Thanksgiving came to be, or all about George Washington. On second thought, maybe I should be just a bit scared.
Accurate.
Yeah, "he" did not bring corn, the Europeans took corn along with a whole lot of other things (tomatoes, hot peppers, some kinds of beans, potatoes, for example). They brought disease, but also picked some new ones up (there is a theory that they picked up their syphilis there), foreign slavery and lots of Africans, who with their descendants would have been better off if they had stayed in Africa, but the indigenous people were poor workers for their Spanish masters.
Gooble to you, too.
Gosh, the things they don't teach you in History Class...……
Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day everybody!!!
Happy Thanksgiving from Canada! Also, can we make this post into a picture book?
I've thought Columbus was sort of a schmuck for some years now, so I'll join you in wishing a Happy Thanksgiving to our northern neighbors, too. Gooble gooble to everyone!
Too funny! Well, the cakes-the story itself is pretty sad, especially for the First Nations. I hope your neighbor Trump doesn't see this post! :D We have at least one holiday in every month except August-I'd be happy to give up this one, especially as I have to work it any way!
P.S.Are those heads sticking out of the Santa Maria's canons?
A loving cup
Gooble Gobble
One of us
There's now strong evidence that "Columbus" was a Jew but had to keep that secret because 1492 was the year Spain expelled all Jews that didn't convert. His journey was financed by Jews who hoped he'd find a place they could go (since 1492 wasn't the first or last Jewish expulsion in Europe).
This is one of your best! Love the cake storyline.
Yeah actually while the Europeans did bring disease like smallpox they didn’t bring syphilus. Most historians agree that the natives gave the Europeans syphilus. So yeah, kind of traded diseases there
But yeah, Columbus was a big ****
Brava, Jen. Bravo, John.
This is THE BEST description of Columbus Day since FUH EVAH! Thank you!!
Fun fact: syphilis came from the New World to the Old World (and then all the European countries blamed it on each other).
Leif landed first!
Love, love, love this! It was a great addition to our homeschool Indigenous People Day study. ☺
I think I just died laughing...oh man this was great lol.
Great job re-writing history, kids. Socialist liberals, are we?
I still enjoy the other 99.995% of this site. Please stop with the SJW stuff. You're older than twelve.
[Editor's note- Hi OSHA! This is all from a history book. Except the schmuck thing. That was me. Sometimes, it's okay to admit our ancestors might not have been perfect. It has nothing to do with social justice. :) Have a lovely day! john (the social studies warrior)]
Please do Henry Hudson next!! NYC never really recovered from the time he landed on Mannahatta Island (yep, that's the correct spelling), in 1609. I don't think he has a holiday, though.
Nah, it was St Brendan. Why do you think there are so many Irish in America?
This is fantastic! LOL I loathe Columbus day. It's a crock of crap. This is way better!
I kept checking back to see if someone 'objected.' BAM!
Super, awesome job! It's truthful, hilarious and illustrated with frosting. It doesn't get better than that.