The Presidential Pastry Debate

Below is an excerpt from last night's debate between current cake commissioner Rex M. Mall and his challenger, Ida Eatondat. 

Mall: "Ladies and gentlemen, my opponent would have you believe she's rooting for the common baker, but I tell you the word 'congratulations' isn't even in her vocabulary.

"And she's also terrible with apostrophes."

Eatondat: "Don't let Mr. Mall distract you with hearsay, my friends. We all know he's in the pocket of Big Frosting."

"In fact, my recent investigation has proven that his new line of 'iced shakes' are, in fact, solid Buttercream icing."

Mall: "Hey, at least my product is edible. How long did you work for the Plastic Flotsam Corporation, again, Ida?"

Eatondat: "That was years ago! I was young! And most customers knew not to eat the plastic! Plus technically I was never convicted."

Moderator: "Yes, let's try to keep it civil, candidates, plea..."

 Mall: "Oh yeah? Well, SHE EATS BABIES!"

 Eatondat: "Only half of one! And just at that one shower! Besides... uh... [pointing at Mall] HE MAKES CUPCAKE CAKES!"

 [audible gasps from the audience]

Eatondat: "That's right, LOTS of cupcake cakes! With airbrushing! And curly ribbon! And this one is supposed to be a guitar!"

[several audience members faint]

 Moderator: "Do you have anything to say for yourself, Mr. Mall?"

Mall: "Yes. I'm Batman."

Moderator: "That says you're the 6th Jeffery."

Mall: "DO NOT QUESTION THE BATMAN."

Thanks to Janet P., Candice H., Gabby G., Marianne W., Autumn R., Ed H., & Anony S., who only wish last night's debate had been this entertaining.

7 Wedding Wrecks That Make Me Glad I'm Already Married

Now here's a couple who really loves their Fruity Pebbles:

I don't know what the groom's supposed to be doing, but whatever it is, I'm pretty sure he's doing it wrong.

I am a HUGE steampunk fan. Ask anyone. They'll probably back away slowly and call the authorities, but still, go ahead and ask them. 

 That said...

No. 

 Just...no.

I'm feeling generous, so I'll go ahead and assume this is supposed to be a tree:

A sickly, sweating, morning-after-a-bender tree.

 (But hey, at least it doesn't look like a half-buried cow.)

Look, nobody said ordering your wedding cake would be a bed of roses. 

If they were honest, though, they might have insinuated it'd be a lumpy tower of them:

What is...How...I don't even...

 Oh, never mind.

Then there's this:

Whoah, whoah, hang on, there! You're not allowed to just scroll down here like nothing happened! No, you march your virtual self RIGHT BACK UP THIS SCREEN and take a GOOD HARD LOOK at that wedding wreck. You hear me? And then you THINK ABOUT what that wreckerator has done. And how your six-year-old cousin could have done better - you know, the one with the late-blooming spatial awareness. And then maybe SNICKER a little more. And then - THEN - you be GRATEFUL for what you have and you move along.

 I'm a cat owner, so I know first hand that sisal rope - which is the stuff on their favorite scratching posts - has tiny sharp fibers that stick out all over and snag everything that gets near it.

 Which is why it's an EXCELLENT idea to wrap your wedding cake in it. That's right; go ahead and smoosh that snaggly hairy stuff right on down in the icing! People will love it!

MMMM.

 Also, is that loop on top a love knot, or a noose? YOU DECIDE.

 Saaay, I didn't know airline baggage handlers did wedding cakes, too!

Just look at that consistent quality of care! So realistic, your guests will be queuing up to file a claim!

(Watch out for the delivery fees, though; I hear only the first tier is free.)

Thanks to Katherine, Rainna A., Daniel & Kim, Anony M., Brenda J., Alli B., & Sara for helping me continue to strike terror in the hearts of brides-to-be everywhere. MUAH-HA-HAA!