7 Wedding Wrecks That Make Me Glad I'm Already Married
October 3, 2012 Now here's a couple who really loves their Fruity Pebbles:
;)
I don't know what the groom's supposed to be doing, but whatever it is, I'm pretty sure he's doing it wrong.
I am a HUGE steampunk fan. Ask anyone. They'll probably back away slowly and call the authorities, but still, go ahead and ask them.
That said...
;)
No.
Just...no.
I'm feeling generous, so I'll go ahead and assume this is supposed to be a tree:
;)
A sickly, sweating, morning-after-a-bender tree.
(But hey, at least it doesn't look like a half-buried cow.)
Look, nobody said ordering your wedding cake would be a bed of roses.
If they were honest, though, they might have insinuated it'd be a lumpy tower of them:
;)
What is...How...I don't even...
Oh, never mind.
Then there's this:
;)
Whoah, whoah, hang on, there! You're not allowed to just scroll down here like nothing happened! No, you march your virtual self RIGHT BACK UP THIS SCREEN and take a GOOD HARD LOOK at that wedding wreck. You hear me? And then you THINK ABOUT what that wreckerator has done. And how your six-year-old cousin could have done better - you know, the one with the late-blooming spatial awareness. And then maybe SNICKER a little more. And then - THEN - you be GRATEFUL for what you have and you move along.
I'm a cat owner, so I know first hand that sisal rope - which is the stuff on their favorite scratching posts - has tiny sharp fibers that stick out all over and snag everything that gets near it.
Which is why it's an EXCELLENT idea to wrap your wedding cake in it. That's right; go ahead and smoosh that snaggly hairy stuff right on down in the icing! People will love it!
MMMM.
Also, is that loop on top a love knot, or a noose? YOU DECIDE.
Saaay, I didn't know airline baggage handlers did wedding cakes, too!
;)
Just look at that consistent quality of care! So realistic, your guests will be queuing up to file a claim!
(Watch out for the delivery fees, though; I hear only the first tier is free.)
Thanks to Katherine, Rainna A., Daniel & Kim, Anony M., Brenda J., Alli B., & Sara for helping me continue to strike terror in the hearts of brides-to-be everywhere. MUAH-HA-HAA!
Reader Comments (88)
Oh! That first cake is supposed to be a rock climbing wedding cake, I think. That's why the groom is sideways. The weird colored things are supposed to be holds. That's also why it's poop brown, I guess.
What the heck happened on that last cake? It looks like they started with a really good idea, got halfway finished and then turned the project over to some 4 year olds.
My best guess on the "lumpy tower" is that they were trying to simulate the bridal gown train?
And I'm sure the groom on the first cake is just "falling for" his bride. *snicker*
Where do these people work???? My non professional sister could make better cakes, and all she's had are some wilton baking courses. O_o
That third cake looks like the statue Delia Deetz did in Beetlejuice. I wonder if the baker was almost killed by their art work.
The bride and groom on the first cake are rock climbing. Hence the use of the fruity PEBBLES. The groom's move would be much more impressive if there wasn't a cake ledge right below him. Now he just looks lazy.
I wonder if those are Fruity Pebbles or those candy-coated chocolate "rocks." Either way, bleargh!
I think the top one is covered in "chocolate rocks". They sell them in airport gift stores. Google them and I think you'll find the color palatte closer to the picture than Fruity Pebbles. :)
That first cake is a rock climbing cake. That is why the groom is sideways, and they are wearing the funny looking shoes. Indoor gyms do have brightly colored rocks kind of like that, but you would think they could have found a better way to do it.
That first cake looks to me like the aftermath of a good old fashioned stoning.
I honestly cannot believe that the "spatial awareness" cake was done by a professional. I have that same set of cutters and am nowhere close to being a professional baker and could have done 1000% better than that. I feel so bad for these brides.
are you sure that 1st one is a wedding cake and not a divorce cake?? looks like she got fed up & pushed him off the mountain.
I sure hope that rope was new or maybe they liked the used-rope-that-has-the-taste-of-cow-manure atmosphere of it all.
Jessica recently posted, My Interview With A 2-Year Old.
The knot on the rope is supposed to be a honda knot,which was a knot long before it was a car.
maybe they are supposed to be climbing, as in rock climbing. just a guess?
Every one of these I see makes me happier about the Tiger's and my wedding cakes, which were simple, unadorned cakes (one spice with nuts, one chocolate with chocolate covered strawberries, and one white butterecream with fresh strawberries and a strawberry glaze over the top). There was one piece left for us to share the morning after, only because the MoH saved that piece for us. In short, they were cute, delicious, and the guests ate them up. And the cost was around a hundred and twenty bucks for all three.
Pretty sure they didn't have any wreckeration lettering on them because: everybody at the wedding reception knew they were at a wedding reception, and everyone we invited knew what our names were, because if they didn't know at least one of us, they would never have been invited (I know, I'm shocked that I sometimes have to explain this concept to people).
Sung to “Get Me to the Church on Time” (I’m getting married in the morning…)
I’m getting married while in mourning
Because my cake has made me cry
Call me a rebel
I like Fruity Pebbles
Trust me, it should have turned out fine.
Let me give all you brides a warning
Good Steampunk cakes are just divine
But, for a budget
They’re gonna fudge it
And you’ll get Steam-junk every time
The tree’s advancing, it’s grown some more
Let’s quarantine it – someone, lock the door!
I’m getting married while in mourning
Vomitus mass of roses. Why?
I just can’t escape
They used painter’s blue tape
So they could save some time, save a little time
For gawd’s sake, why’d they have to save some time?
There’ll be a hangin’ late this morning
The baker even brought the twine
Don’t let her loose, dear
Tighten the noose, dear
She’s ruined a wedding her last time
Your baggage cakes should come with warnings
It’s not nice to make the bride cry
It’s just so lame, dear
File a claim, dear
‘Cause I’m not paying you a dime.
Well, the "steampunk" cake looks more like playdoh than anything else (um, ew). Playdoh is not good for eating! I had to explain that to my son back when he was a little guy. Why would they put it on a cake? Maybe the wreckorator just borrowed their kids' playdoh tools?
And really, after seeing the ample wrecked wedding cakes, I think we need a new trend. Wedding Pies!
1. I disagree. There is no wrong way to die.
2. Remember those play-do things that you used to pump out play-do and slice different shapes.
Yeah, that thing. That's what was used to make this cake.
3. Green Mold. They should have served the cake sooner.
4. This is beautiful. I for one am happy the Cousin It has finally found a life partner.
5. No
6. Fiber is good for you.
7. When I was a child, I used to love those Samsonite commercials with the gorilla attacking the
suitcase. This is a charming homage to that simpler time.
PS I may be way off here, but does anyone think that maybe the first cake might be a rock climbing cake?
Been cringing on this site for a while, but I finally decided that Sharyn needs another competitor. Here we go! (Sharyn, I always love your songs!)
(To the tune of Down by the Station)
Falling down the mountain, early in the morning
Where is all the copper in my steampunk cake?
See the sickly tree and the roses I can't handle?
Ouch, ouch, my tooth, tooth!! Ouch I go!
Down at the bakery, Early in the morning
bring-your-kid-to-work day, turns out wrong!
Lassoing up your frosting, throwing cake together
When it falls apart I will just blame you!
Loved the commentary about scrolling back up to take a good look because that's exactly what happened. I was scrolling quickly through. Thanks for the laugh... as usual.
You need to live in ranching country to understand the rope cake. They are not hanging any one, but they have now been caught in the rope together. Little kids to this to each other all the time when they are learning how to lasso things, but usually the rope is used to catch calves.
Once upon a time there was a couple madly in love. (and when I say madly, I mean MAD LADY. She tried to throw him off a crooked mayan temple, for snark's sake!)
One day, they were rebuilding a reef with their underwater erector set (because Save The Earth, that's why) when a zombie squid suddenly appeared. Luckily, they had no brains for it to eat and it wandered off.
Then they decided to get married. "I want a cake that symbolizes how our love spews out of us," said the bride. "With roses! A volcano of rosy spewage!"
"I don't know," replied the groom. "I don't want to spend too much. Let's just have your kid sister do it with her Easy Bake Oven. Maybe she can add some star stickers for free?"
So they went to Texas, but the bride's kid sister wasn't available. Following the local custom, they found a herd of wild cakes and hog tied one for their ceremony. It's always best to get your cakes "free-range."
They invited lots of guests to the wedding, including the gorilla from the airport. He was kind enough to bring their luggage with him. Everyone had a great time until someone made an inappropriate "primate" comment and.... well, it hit the fan.
And everyone lived cake-ily ever after. (Not really. She eventually succeeded in throwing him off that temple.)
I think that first one is Jack and Jill... and Jack is definitely tumbling down that awful fruity pebble hill!
HA! The "lumpy roses" cake looks like the tower of tissues I created after having a cold.....yummy. Also, sorry for the TMI.
Sharyn XD XD XD
Cake #5- Did they attempt the "cascading" decorations rather unsuccessfully? Believe me, still a wreck with that ribbon.
The "steampunk" cake was totally done with kids toys. Case in point those gears at the bottom are part of a fisher price toy that my 1 year old plays with. The philips head screws I'm pretty sure are part of a child's workbench set. Sad, so so sad.
@zoomom -- Superb. (Off to find my copy of "the Lottery.")
#1: I think the groom is doing a modified version of planking...
#2: beat me to it, Sharyn...yup...steam-junk...
#3: I think that I shall never see...oh...wait...I did that already...
#4: so they didn't order the Funky-colored Roses Column of Groom and Doom cake...?
#5: we shouldn't laugh..this may have been lovingly made by their three small children...
#6: an Italian wedding cake...from Sisal-y...
#7: previously married couple...they come with lots of baggage...
Sisal-y -- Mel WINS.
Steam-Junk -- Sharyn WINS.
I come here for the cakes & the puns & the jokes & the whole CakeWrecks thing which warms my heart -- but I LOVE the comments/commenters.
I totally thought the tree cake looked like the creepy sculpture from Beetlejuice. Did anyone else think so?
You know how you see wedding cakes that are so beautiful that people exclaim, "Oh! I'll hate to cut into this to serve it!"
These are not those cakes.
Let's just hope these cakes taste good.
Every time I see wedding cakes on here, I become more and more grateful for the simple white cake we had 17 years at our wedding. We were poor as church mice (wonder where THAT expression got started? How wealthy are secular mice, anyway?) and a caterer friend of ours baked and frosted the cake. My mother decorated it with fresh flowers that matched my bouquet. We have no pictures, (for which I am also becoming grateful) because the photographer turned out to be unreliable and we were too poor to sue. But it was delicious. And the day was lovely, and what else matters?
The last cake obviously had an encounter with an airport luggage handler. Perhaps one of the wedding guests, who was overcome by the urge to HULK SMASH!
Is that . . . . is that . . . . painter's tape on the bottom of the tiers in cake #5?
I know you're trying to be nice about the "tree" thing, but I'm pretty sure the statue of terror from Beetlejuice and it has captured that wedding cake and is mindlessly holding it captive.
They just make me cringe for the poor brides! I've known a number of brides who say that the whole day just goes by in a blurr and that they need the pirtures to really see/remember what happened at their own weddings. Can you imagine the only thing that you remember from the entire "Joyous" day is how FUGLY your cake was!!
The rest of us will have a good snicker and send pictures to our friends while you continue to fume. =D
When I first tried to see the steampunk cake, the link was broken. Now I'm kinda wishing it had stayed that way.
I think someone already mentioned it, but that first cake looks like it's covered in chocolate rocks (not Fruity Pebbles). Not that it makes the cake much better...
And on #5, what's with the painter's tape look? To distract from the the crappily stacked tiers? Ugh.
I'm not trying to Epcot this, cause it's been said above, but what a tragic tragic way to make a rock-climbing wedding cake! Such a cute concept (my partner and I are climbers), but it's not even recognizable as the theme AND it's ugly. Also crooked. So sad!
I recognize those candy "rocks." They chocolate candies with a hard outer shell. You can get them at Wal-Mart.They're nice when used in moderation like for landscaping for a gingerbread house or something, but I think they really overdid it here.
Is that a steampunk octopus on the side of the steampunk cake? Steampunk octopus is kind of a joke - even if you put a top hat, mustache, and monocle on an octopus, it is still not steampunk.
Having said that, I would definitely wear a steampunk octopus shirt or eat a steampunk octopus cake while appreciating the (frequently unintended) humor.
Is it ironic or intent that you did wedding cakes on the Obamas' anniversary? It is also LeVar and Stephanie Burtons' anniversary and mine and my husband's. 20 years, all 3 lol
that last cake makes me really sad. Looks like a lot of thought and work went into it, but it all just came apart at the seams. I had a purse cake wreck tragedy (that I FIXED BEFORE the guests saw it) when trying to delivery a thickly buttercreamed cake in 100 degree southern summer.
Of COURSE it took LYDIA to relate a cake to the Beetlejuice movie! Perfect!
@ meshybee - Mad, mad storytelling skills! I'm so looking forward to more. And if you need incentive, I have pie! Right here in the EPCOT/rock climbing cake bunker!
If I'm having a challenging day, and need to laugh, all I've gotta do is log on to see y'all's comments on someone's pity-ful attempt at some type of cake. I'm a semi-professional cake decorator, but I can proudly say that I have never produced any work that would rate a posting on Cake Wrecks. Thanks for the humor !!!
Those aren't fruity pebbles, they are chocolate rocks--I have them, I use sparingly as they are not cheap. But it makes more sense since the couple "appear" to be "rock" climbing/falling...
I live where the there are ranches and cowfolk a'plenty, and I got a knot-tying badge as a Girl Scout. In my dubiously expert opinion, that loop at the top looks like a double half-hitch, which seems fitting for a couple of people getting hitched! Bronc riders and barrel racers don't use sisal, though.