It's Worse Than That, They're Dead, Jen
April 23, 2018 So Jen wants you to think our national parks are all fun and games and kayaking and snuggling baby otters and stuff. Well, we live in Florida, man! We have the Everglades where literally everything wants to kill and eat you. Or kill you and leave your body for something ELSE to eat you. But definitely with the killing thing.
What, you think I'm exaggerating?
;)
THIS ALLIGATOR WANTS TO EAT YOUR FACE.
That's right, a smashed cake alligator wants to kill you. It's serious down here, guys.
And then there's the snakes:
;)
"Help meeeee!"
Which this baker has so helpfully illustrated mid-murder.
We've got poison toads:
;)
"I want you to croak."
And snakes:
;)
GAAAAAAkeepscrollingkeepscrollingkeepscrolling
And giant angry spiders:
;)
Who team up with killer bees...
Did I mention the snakes?
;)
BECAUSE WE HAVE A LOT OF SNAKES.
Not to mention the armies of squirrel-sized mosquitoes:
;)
They're very friendly. No sense of personal space.
Piranhas:
;)
Seriously.
And panthers.
;)
NO LION.
Because of course we have panthers. Why wouldn't we have panthers?! I mean, what would a swamp be without FRIGGIN PANTHERS?!?!?!
So.
To sum up, if you come to one of Florida's many beautiful national parks, you're gonna die. Probably. Best not to chance it. Just go to Disney and marvel at the animatronic deer and bunnies, which are super lifelike this time of year.
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Reader Comments (27)
What occasion calls for a snake eating a small animal motif?!
That poor little kitty was terrified!!! What'd you do? Offer him a souvenir??
=^-.-^=
I remember when the baker said,
"Do you want a cake that'll knock 'em dead?"
And I said, "Yes, I do."
He said, "Make yourself right at home.
I'll show you things that have never been shown.
If you're game."
I said, "That's cool."
And so we took the stroll,
Along the displays he wanted to show.
And he said, "I can make these for you."
I freaked out when I saw the frog,
With one eye and as big as a dog.
And I stared at it.
And he said, "Will this one do?"
I said,
"I don't like spiders and snakes,
Especially when they're on cakes.
Baker, you are a fool.
I don't like spiders and snakes,
These are awful, for goodness sakes,
And I hate them and I hate you."
Well, I think about that baker from time to time,
As well as his creepy baked goods line.
I think, "Albino piranhas, they just ain't cool."
And I can still remember when,
I saw that gator and I said right then,
"You know, I'll stay out of the pool."
I still recall after so long a while,
Giant mosquitoes that carry West Nile,
That's the kind of thing I really fear.
I'm still on edge as you can guess,
That man eating panther, it causes me stress,
So from that bakery, I will steer clear
And I said
"I don't like spiders and snakes,
Especially when they're on cakes."
That baker, he was a fool.
I don't like spiders and snakes,
Those were awful, for goodness sakes,
I hate them, and that baker, too."
Not only a lion but a lion with a 70s porn-star mustache. Classy.
That panther is obviously a LOT more frightened of them than they are of him.
Fourth one is decently realistic except they forgot the fur on the rat. Seventh one has nice flowers.
The first two snake cakes ( snake wrecks ? XD ) look - dare I say it ? - professionally made compared to the sloppy rest of the group . Disturbing and can frighten young children , yes , but still decent work done on those two .
Idk , I like them !
That poor little kitty was terrified!!! What'd you do? Offer him a souvenir??
=^-.-^=
Is it just me or does the "panther" look like an over-fed Pomeranian?
We come in peace. Shoot to kill!
I'm pretty sure the biting flying insects in the Everglades think DEET is a seasoning.
The scariest part was $46.99 for a funtastic albino piranha cake!
Why does the "lion" look like Sonny Bono?
Florida: America's Australia!
Okay, I kind of like the snake-eating-a-mouse one. Surprisingly realistic.
Good going Mike, I see what you did there.
I kinda like the piranha. He looks very friendly. Er, except for the blood on his teeth...
That snake looks like it vomited up white slime!
"Funtastic piranha"
These may be cake wrecks but I know a few young boys who would LOVE them!
Evil me wants to bring the snake/rat cake to work...
Do you also have mosquito-sized squirrels? That'd be right impressive.
That piranha cake looks like a giant black hole about to eat the customers face lol. How they come up with these I don't even want to know.
This post should have an anxiety trigger warning.
I'm going outside to breathe for a moment.
To complete the “Hazards of Florida” set, you really needed to find a Ravenous Fire Ant cake. And yes, I am certain someone has made a Ravenous Fire Ant cake.
Snake wrecks...
I LIKE the second cake. I know plenty of 11 year old boys who would love to have it as a birthday cake.
Awesome.
I lived in Fla for two years (WPB) and everything you say is true. How scary is that? Great comments. Loved Mike's poem.
MaryO1230
"Funtastic"
The people who work at that bakery and I have very different ideas of what qualifies as fun.
Come and live in Australia for a while, then we'll talk about wildlife.