The Cake Cannibals

Once upon a time, a baker decided to ice a giant baby butt on a cake.

And so she did.

The rest of the bakers gathered round to congratulate her, and before long they'd all agreed: baby butts were surprisingly appetizing. Reeling from this rear realization, the bakers went on to change the face of baby shower cakes forever.

By turning it into a baby butt.

The cake butt phenomenon took off like projectile vomit from a colicky infant. It was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Otherwise rational women dreamed of eating chocolate-filled diapers. Grandmothers sliced up legs with abandon. Little children screamed in glee at the sight of adorably draped half bodies served up on platters. ("Aw, look, she's sobbing with glee!")

After a while, the original bakers got together again to munch on fondant toes and discuss their next "big thing." The vote was unanimous: they needed much larger bodies of work.

Literally.

"If eating baby butt is sweet, then eating mom boobs will be AMAZING," the bakers exclaimed.

And so, they did.

Just about everyone loved the mom boob & belly combo, but there were a few complaints from the moms-to-be. Not that their cake effigies were being eaten, of course, but that their cake effigies weren't sexy enough.

Quickly the bakers arrived at a solution: the cantaloupes would be made much larger than the watermelon ("if you catch our drift"), and mom's cakey doppelgänger would be dressed in only the raciest of lingerie, the better to emphasize how she ended up in her present glowing condition.

And so it was.

And, once again, everyone was happy.

At this point the bakers fell into a deep depression. "We've done it all!" they moaned. "What more can we possibly achieve now that women are eating both baby butts *and* mom torsos?"

Which is when they realized: the only thing better than eating a mom torso or baby toes was eating them both together.

Quickly a new decree went out: push that lingerie aside! It's time to show off the baby inside the belly. And then EAT THEM BOTH. Haha!

Remember to keep that melon ratio, though.

At last, the bakers felt they had arrived at the pinnacle of baby shower cakedom. They would continue to fine-tune, of course: a cherry filling here, a plastic baby fished out with tongs there - but overall, their cannibalistic urges were sated. And all was well.

Until they discovered gelatin.

[ear-splitting scream]

[of glee]

Thanks to Jessica M., Candace G., Jessica T., Germaine, Jessica G., Sarah M., Taylor F., & Ruth T., who think that's one heckuva womb with a view.

*****

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Comments

[Shirley]

"FAREWELL, BABY NOLA"!!!! WHAT are they planning to do to the poor child???

[Teresa]

That second one looks lumpy.

[Mike]

With the first cake now we know where Hootie and the Blowfish got the title for their debut album.

And the last cake, who else sees Baby Popeye? I mean, look at those biceps! I guess Mom ate her spinach during her pregnancy.

[Tintifee]

Oh my... that last cake is terrifying! Was the "belly" covered in fondant frosting before??? And when they scraped it off it revealed the baby????? AAAAHHHhhhhh.....

[mindy1]

The horror...the unspeakable horror O_o

[hedgebaby60]

Sweet Mother of Mercy! Why?????

[sendingtheclowns]

Last one....
You could maybe see this coming, but all I could hear in my head was, "SWIM, FORREST!! SWIM!!"
=^-.-^=

[Angie]

I was wondering the same thing, Shirley. Poor baby Nola.

[Val]

Beautiful bumpy baby bellies

[Yet another Jen]

Here's what's weird about the second cake: I found myself focused on the bear/cat thing in the corner. Does it have one leg and one unusually placed tail? Or does it have two legs where one has a really terrible case of scurvy?

I choose to keep looking at that instead of the last cake. Because reasons.
(…It's so oozy!)

[CC]

The thing is...should the bakers be blamed for clients who WANT some of these horrific cakes? I've dealt with so many mothers-to-be that found baby butt cakes and the torso cakes to be ~adorable~.

Also I'm with Yet another Jen in being more focused on that bear..thing and whatever is happening to it's...leg?

[Arlene Marie]

Well that last cake would have me screaming and running out of the room. Yikes lol.

[Juin]

The "thing" in the corner of the second cake is a used (note the two gray "patches"), misshapen (from being held lovingly by a child) teddy bear. Why a newborn would want an old, used toy or why someone would give them one is a good question.
All the baby and torso cakes are creepy.

[Frosting First]

I think the stuffed cat in cake 2 is expiring from the smell of that too-full diaper. And what's the deal with mom's legs (?) below the gelatin baby?

[Rose]

Just because you can, doesn't mean that you should.

[KR]

How did the last baby get such Popeye-tastic biceps?

[marilyn]

What's next? Placenta cakes??