Who You Callin' 'Pro'?
August 30, 2017 You all know I only feature professionally made Wrecks here on CW. The irony, of course, is that I mistake pro for amateur way more often than the other way around! Heh. So anyway, while I've been told that today's Wrecks are indeed made by real, honest-to-goodness, got-paid-for-their-efforts cake decorators, part of me still refuses to believe it.
I'm still posting them, though, because they're all wedding cakes. Served at people's actual weddings. And even if one was actually made by Aunt Mildred who calls herself a pro but really isn't, I think the world deserves to see this cautionary tale.
Plus, you know, it's funny.
;)
Whoa, thank goodness for fresh flowers, am I right? Too bad they didn't have enough to hide the fact that the cake is being served on a giant dry-erase board, though.
I also like the gentle placement of the topper. It really screams "finesse."
;)
This was taken during The Great Icing Shortage of '73 - back when grooms were stayin' alive with their groovy butterfly collars and the bridesmaids wore Frigidaire green. Looks like they ran out of flowers here too, though, and raided the fruit bowl instead.
;)
Hey, "Love to Highway", right? And getting married doesn't mean the groom has to give up his matchbox cars.
And now, a haiku for you, wedding cake:
;)
red bleeding ribbon
did the cake get in a fight?
lumpy icing tiers
And finally, before I show you this last Wreck, I feel I should reiterate that the bride herself *assured* me she paid actual money to an actual professional to make it. Honest. Really.
;)
Now, in the baker's defense, I'm told the insides of all the cake tiers were raw.
How is that a defense, you ask?
Well, er...
Oh! I know! Imagine how hard it must've been to stack all those raw cake tiers! Eh? Yeah, I like to look on the sunny side of things. Which is good, because this cake is so sunny I can hear my retinas sizzling.
Hey, Grace C., Tony M., Anony M., Anony #2., & Anita R., "sizzling retinas" would be a terrible band name. Really. Just awful.
*****
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Reader Comments (27)
"No, dear, that bike is a little small for you."
Regarding the red ribbon cake, as far as the top tier is concerned, I say, "Keep the tip." Snerk.
I feel like we need more of an explanation when it comes to "raw cake tiers." Like... how did they even get out of the pan?
Oh. Dear.
I'm thinking that the raw on the inside is a lesser problem than the outside monstrosity. I mean, I am not sure anyone would want to eat that really horrific yellow frosting.
eeew.
You know naked cakes are a thing, right? It's a dated cake, but the style is actually super advanced. #notawreck
The last one makes me want to cry.
"Sunny side",huh? Well, bent wishes, all....(You can get a new letter on Jeopardy, or some some other game). That cake looks like the mountain thingy in "Joe vs the Volcano"... only worse. "Hideous"....does that mean it should be hidden?
I don't have a problem with naked cakes in general, but I'll make an exception for that one! I think the whole pieces of fruit stacked haphazardly and the gray feathers thrown on it in no recognizable pattern just make it really depressing for a wedding cake. Of course it could be exactly what the bride asked for, but either way I wouldn't want it at my wedding.
"Raw cake tiers" ????????? Well, that explains the sagging. I'm trying to wrap my head around someone who thinks "raw cake" is OK to decorate and present to the blushing bride. Sad, hilarious and, (I have to say it) DUMB!
The bride who got that last cake paid actual money? She should have sued for pain and suffering.
The bride and groom standing in what can only be a mountain of mustard colored baby poo, the smell of rancid butter in the air, took it as an omen than theirs would be a fruitful union and bought a large home to fit the hordes of future children. I think that's what cake five was going for, right?
Ah, the 70s. So much to say. "Back when naked meant naked." Or, "Is that supposed to be the Garden of Eden--you know, naked, fruit, leaves covering certain places...?"
As a cake decorator (who always checks your site to make sure none of my cakes appear) I have been asked several times to make naked wedding cakes, that is #notawreck
1: The dry-erase board is the best part of that one.
#2 looks like a railing ..on the stairway to hell. #3: highway to hell. See a pattern, here? #4: a little fiber never hurt.. much..maybe. #5: The tiers were raw! Her tears were real...
=^-.-^=
Naked cakes were a really stupid trend and that cake looks even more nutty with the traditional plastic columns. And topped with whole fruit. Gorgeous! Trendy doesn't exempt a cake from the need for good taste, something this cake badly lacks. It does look very nice when compared to the mustard yellow volcano. I hope she didn't pay full price.
Re the last one: "She paid actual money to an actual professional" what?
My best guess is "an actual professional murderer of dreams." But I don't know if that is a legit job title.
Is that last one a large pile of mashed squash and frozen peas?
I liked Sizzling Retinas before they were cool.
;-)
The first one reminds me of a casket...
Where is an eclipse when you really need one?
The first one looks like fondant wrapped pillows.
Highway to Love, eh? More like Highway to Hell.
There actually was a sugar shortage in the UK in the early 70s, at school we made Christmas cakes and as icing sugar was almost impossible to find we were shown how to use a liquidiser to turn granulated sugar into rather gritty faux icing sugar. We also had a potato shortage one year.
https://www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2010/jul/09/archive-rationing-sugar-shortage-looms
That last cake looks like it's made out of Play-Doh. I guess the raw insides probably tasted like it, too.
Props to the bride and groom. In for a penny, in for a pound. Makes a way better story than a just-kind-of-ugly cake.
In defense of the naked cake-you just can't polish a turd and I'm sure most bakers let out a silent screm when someone orders one. I thankfully have only had to make one and the pics did NOT go on my page!!
A haiku for the second last one:
Ran out of ribbon
I'll just drape it down the front
No-one will notice
:)
I love how the last cake has those green lines of frosting to approximate where the tiers go, like it lost its waist but is still wearing a belt.