This Is Halloween. (No, Really.)
October 19, 2017 Greetings, bakers! This handy guide will demonstrate how easy it is to turn your bakery's plain stock cakes into fabulously frightening Halloween designs.
Ready?
Then let's get started!
First, nothing says "Halloween!" like a sprinkling of candy corn:
So easy, the deli guy can do it!
See? Now you meant to do that!
And why not take this opportunity to "customize" your scones?
"That'll be $1.20 extra for our 'tomb scone specials.'"
Or, since studies* have shown that customers prefer plastic over pastry nearly 37 to 1, far better to reach for your trusty Flotsam Bugs®!
* We asked our marketing team.
Suddenly, Stanley felt the tide of power turning...
Flotsam Bugs® are grrreat for turning any design into a Halloween one. Can your bakers only make roses? Nooo problem. Just add a Flotsam Bug®, and poof!
Now that's one scary Halloween flower!
Or, how about turning a birthday present into a Halloween birthday present?
Spine-chilling, isn't it?
Why, just pipe a few ghosts on, silly!
Hm? What's that? How do you pipe ghosts?
Uh...
Ever see a cactus?
Perfect!
And finally, what about all those doggy cupcakes you're required to pump out by the pound? Well, a little Flotsam will soon have you seeing eye-to-eye with your customers!
[chortle]
Or, if you want to go the extra mile, give Patches some patches!
Good dog that's awful.
I mean, uh, look how cute!
And remember, bakers, once Halloween is over it's easy to convert your cakes back, too:
"Aw, Suzy, don't cry! It's just a sweet little kitty cat! See? He's smiling at you!"
*****
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Reader Comments (14)
If I ever saw "patches" the dog at a party I would scream also. :P Also lol@ tomb scones
Are those huge multicolored ticks on Patches? Hurk!
With all that junk on the Sponge Bob cake, I first thought that red thing on the upper left was Santa!
What's obviously going on here is that there is baker/wreckerator, who we'll call #1, and his apprentice, the poor soul we'll call #2. We will now listen in as #1 instructs his sidekick on how to make regular cakes into Halloween cakes.
#1- "Lend me your ear, and listen to this kernel of truth, which I'll say in my husky voice so you'll pay attention. You might think putting this candy on this cake is corny, but it's not. Stay with me, as I show you the second cake and tell you that we're going to promote it by showing our internet customers pictures of it we took with our web-cam."
#2 - "Couldn't we just add the candy corn to this cake and pass it off as a cob-web cake?"
#1 gives him the evil eye and says, "Moving on to number three, here's our homage to Halloween in scones. We couldn't use "DOA" because it was already taken. But we think this will knock 'em dead. If we sell enough of these, we'll be on the grave-y train for sure. You can never sell tomb many of these."
#2 - "RIP means "retching in place". I think I'm going to be sick."
#1 - "I'll ignore that. As we move on to cake number four, the question was how to market this cake. I have the antswer. We cover it with antibodies. We pretend the spider is raising them like cows and it will be our Ant Farm cake. It makes me giddy with anticipation."
#2- "It makes me want an antidote. Seems anticlimactic to me." Under his breath he adds, "this guy is just an Ant-twerp.'
#1 - "Moving on to the fifth cake, it might seem like a thorny issue putting a spider on this one, too, but we feel we really rose to the occasion. As we move on to our sixth cake, it was my daughter who helped decorate this one. She thought I wasn't looking, but I spider doing it."
#2 - (muttering) "Apple doesn't fall far from tree. The "W's" and "M's" can mean only one thing. WHY ME?"
#1 glares but continues. "The seventh number is our Bikini Bottom Halloween special. It's a singing number, but SpongeBob will actually take a backseat to Patrick because his throat is a little sea hoarse. So Patrick gets to be the star-fish of the show. The ghosts will be in the Halloween spirit as his coral backup. And Mr. Krabs will be singing off-Florida-key."
#2 grabs a mop bucket, just in case.
#1 - "Eyeball this eighth cake if you will, and learn from me, my pupil. This spooky little dog is our blood-shot hound. We thought we'd call him Eye-gore. It takes a visionary to come up with this kind of stuff."
#2 - (sarcastically) "You're dog-gone right!"
#1- "Let's paws here and look at cake number nine. Some might say this is a patch job, sort of a Frankenstein kind of thing, but we thought we could up the creep factor by saying these are those blood-sucking little critters instead. Doesn't that just tickle you pink? And the dog's color is perfect - Lyme green. Then there's our last number. It was a perfectly good Halloween black cat. But once the holiday is over, what can you do? We found a great way to reuse it, and it has us feline really good about it. By putting a name on it, you might say we persianalized it. Isn't that just purrfect? And wait till you see some of the other ways we can use old Halloween cakes. The Dracula ones we can add a turkey to and market them as Fangsgiving cakes."
#2 grabs a rolling pin and starting whacking away on #1 - "I can see the only way to stop you is to batter you, and then put you on icing. It's the yeast I can do to save people from these disasters."
Flotsam Bugs (R) for the win! KIds! Be the first to collect the whole set! Long-legged spiders, short-legged spiders, mutant ants, extra-thick spider webs! Have fun and learn nothing about arthropods!
Regarding that rose and spider, that calls up memories of a particularly painful childhood trauma of mine.
Did you know that wolf spiders have a subspecies that is almost but not quite an albino variant of them? Prior to my incident with one at 8 years old, I didn't. The altered coloration lets them hide in rose blossoms -- they don't spin webs -- and prey on the various insects that live in and around rose bushes. Wolf spiders of any variety can give a painful, though not life-threatening bite to a human. It's about as bad as 2-3 bee stings all at once.
So there I was, innocently smelling the roses in my parents small rose garden, when suddenly something bites me, HARD, right on the tip of the nose. Arachnophobia is bad enough without rational proof the spiders are out to get you!
Cactus Under the Sea is the name of my new folk band.
“...doggy cupcakes...by the pound.” i see what you did there.
The Frankenweenie type dog would have been a clever idea if it had been well executed.
Nothing sets off a Halloween cake like Spongebob and giant chicken feet.
That cat looks possessed. I am sure Suzy loved it as she ran away screaming and now needs therapy lol. Poor Suzy.
I rather like the one-eyed mold doggie. It's happy. It's smiling. Which is not easy when you are emerging from mold!
That green dog almost looks more like ticks or spiders than patches. Dang, nightmare material either way though!
Tomb Scone Special --- I think that's the name of the grunge band my niece formed in her basement a few years ago...