I Composed The Venue, The Menu, The Seating...
January 24, 2017 Admit it, minions: every time I show you a falling-over, heinously bad wedding wreck, you judge the couple a little. You think they didn't pay enough. You think they tried to get the moon for a plumber's crack budget. I get it.
But what if I told you this is the venue for today's wreck:
;)
Pretty, right? And probably worth a pretty penny?
;)
Note how this looks nothing like Uncle Earl's backyard, or the back room of a dilapidated lodge.
This, my friends, is what we southerners call a classy joint.
And this is the wedding cake they served in that classy joint:
;)
Take a minute. Soak it in.
Join me in trying to decipher the faded poo swirly things on the bottom edge, or that spiky bowl thing on top.
;)
And regarding the pretty silver stand it's on: that's not so much lipstick on a pig as it is glass slippers on a Horta. Which is frickin' hilarious if you're an old school Star Trek fan. (The rest of you, just imagine your pile of dirty laundry... made out of pizza.)
(Or hey, just imagine this cake. They're about equal.)
Thanks to Jennifer S. for the... PAIN!!!
*****
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Reader Comments (78)
Glass slippers on a horta. I'm gonna steal that.
Oh, that is pathetic! I don't say it often, but this calls for a refund at the very least, and a lawsuit if all else fails.
"glass slippers on a Horta." --- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Excellent, Jen. I think this bride and groom need a unicorn chaser, don't you?
That poor bride! Or should it be...that poor cake!
Looks way too small for such a big venue. I have two ideas about that:
1. This is an emergency cake done at the very last minute because something bad happened to the original one.
2.' Just like in my late sister's wedding, the person (best man) that brought the cake was an idiotic cheapskate
It became a complete wreck when my brother stood in front of it and started to sing Happy Birthday. (Yes, a wreck worthy of this blog.)
I don't want to be in the room where it happened...
Saw Hamilton on Saturday, so I feel I must quote "The Battle of Yorktown;" What...What...What
Thank you.
I would LOVE to know what the bride ordered! So many questions! Was this the "standard cake" included in the rental? Was the entire budget blown on the gorgeous venue with little left for a cake? Was this Aunt Walberga's special cake that the couple felt they could not turn down? Did someone think that the wedding reception was the perfect time to prank the couple with this...only to bring out the real cake when the bride burst into flames? So, so many questions.....
The cake is beyond comment, so I won't try.
I want to know The Rest of the Story. How did this atrocity happen? What happened when the bride saw it? What kind of cake had been ordered? So many questions.
I think the thing on the top is a flower bowl especially made to display a group of perfect blooms -- but not on top of a cake!
Someone tripped on their way from the kitchen and that's what they managed to scrape off the floor. Is my guess. o.O
My four-year-old says, "Oooooo! Flower cake! Eat it!"
Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah *gasp* hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
The "rosettes"? on the bottom looked like wads of used bubble gum. Would love to see the inspiration cake for this one.....
That cake isn't even worth the paper plates (it looks like) it was served on.
The paper plates are fancy
Huh. Well, the pink roses were pretty...
I'd suggest someone jammed the spiky bowl on top of someone's head to create a distraction.
En route to hospital, the guests remaining behind gaggled and took pictures for the story that will be in the news the next day--- and ate.
Everything was okay, until one of the little children in attendance confessed to putting the brown blobs alone the bottom of the cake.
Pretty good spacing job.Too bad the blobs had been collected from his pet parrot's cage.
=^-.-^=
You know me. I'll forgive anything if the icing is thick enough.
Is that a city street just on the other side of those windows? Big points off the "classiness" of the place for its location and (lack of) window treatment. I'd prefer the lodge.
My theory: Cousin Jane has started making cakes and wanted theirs to be her first wedding cake that she exuberantly offered at no charge. When the florist handed her the tray of roses, she asked, "Do I just put these on top?" And the florist replied, "yep", so she did...tray and all.
It's smallish, and looks home-made; not bad if that's the case, but not what one was expecting from the venue. There must be more to this story. The roses are a little odd, but may have had meaning to the bride. Or was this sent in by the bride? Looks like the server delivered the wrong cake: this was intended for the quinceanera next door....
The cake was probably made by the grooms's great-aunt Martha. No refunds, but he can disown her.
That cake better taste damn good.
Well, they didn't spend a lot on flowers, as a florist, I can tell you that. So maybe they didn't spend a lot on the cake either.
In fact, the flowers look amateur, so maybe they did them themselves, so maybe they did the cake themselves also, or a 'friend' did it.
The venue is lovely, but judging by the other details, I'm still guessing low budget.
Are those paper plates and plastic flowers I see before me? Classy too!
If this were my cake Id take the roses out of the plastic thing and place them around the terrible cake. Maybe crush them into petals to cover it up!
Thanks, Jen/John. Your floor tile comment had me wondering what in the hell was wrong with the floor tile. My OCD brain was looking for lines that didn't match up. Then it dawned on me what you meant. :D
The gigantic stack of paper plates really is the icing on the cake. Ba-da-bum! I so want to give the happy couple the benefit of the doubt and say this was a last minute replacement for something that went horribly wrong.
+1 for the Hamilton reference!
And the total opposite can be true! I've seen backyard weddings have GORGEOUS cakes that were expensive. Though who knows with this cake. Maybe a pushy friend or family member insisted on making it? I've heard of those cases. Even had a bride once that ordered a small 6 inch for photographs, but said a friend was making the actual cake.
Someone obviously objected to the aroma of the restroom and ordered a "urinal cake." The concierge obviously misunderstood.
Star Trek AND Hamilton references - oh, and bad cake. Made my day!
I'm thinking that the roses thing was a miscommunication.
Someone cuts them short, puts them in that tray thing with water to keep them fresh. Things got busy - an assistant was instructed, "Go put those roses on the cake, I cannot get to it right now."
And the assistant sees the roses, takes the tray, plunks it on top of the cake and viola! Good to go!
Then maybe thinks that it looks a little bland, finds some of the interior filling - maybe a hazelnut? Sticks a finger in and smears bits around the edge...
The silk flowers in the pot beside the paper plates is fancier, more designed, and worth more $$$ than that cake! But the question that arises: why paper plates? In this gorgeous setting, with little gold boxes next to each place setting, and long-stemmed roses as centerpieces...then paper plates and a cake that was NOT created by a professional. The rest of the story is just begging to be told!
The things around the bottom look exactly like wads of chewed gum to me.
I would cry. That poor bride! I hope they got a refund!
I used to decorate cakes, and I have a couple of those spiky bowls. They're called "cake vases." And you're supposed to push them all the way down into the cake so you only see the flowers...smh
Oh my! I think that the baby sh_t pink squlggles at the bottom are an attempt at little rosettes with a star (or closed star) tube. Gack.
I know the trend is toward more rustic finishes on cakes, but really?
I suppose something could have been done with that flower "topper" if its base were festooned with leaves and if the roses had stems of differing lengths with the taller ones being in the middle.
I thought they were paper plates because of the groupings, but there is quite a sheen on that top plate ... I got nothin'.
Thanks for the head-scratcher, Jen. LOL
Well, at the risk of being judgey, I would say that this is likely a case of a close family member or friend insisting that they make a wedding cake in lieu of a gift for the happy couple.
I love my Cakewrecks, but there is no way this is a professionally done cake - not by a bakery and most definitely not by the venue.
Also, I like icing.
It looks like an upside down flower pot covered in frosting!
I would hope and pray that the baker honestly dropped the real cake while heading out the door for the venue and had to do an "oh, f#%k" quick cake put to get her just to have something on the table to cut. If it was me, I'd be getting my money back.
I've seen cakes with the intentionally sloppy icing, so that's possible. The rose blob turds, that's just giving up. Now the flowers in the spiky bowl...I assume the flowers came from the florist in the spike bowl to hold until the cake was delivered, unflowered. Someone was to put the flowers on top of the cake with a few here and there on the tiers. Miserable fail. If the cakerator did it, shameful, miserable fail!
Just when I think I can't love Jen more, BAM! Hamilton reference! <3 You made my day!
I did wedding cakes for almost 20 years, and I can assure you that the people who paid the most for the fanciest venues were usually the ones who wanted the nicest cake for the cheapest amount of money. I have no doubt that thing was made by someone they found on a facebook yardsale page, or wherever they're advertising the cheapest cakes these days. This is what happens when you spend your entire budget on one thing and you're left with nothing to pay your other vendors.
Y;know what this reminds me of? The Ruby Slippers cake from South Africa. You need to dig that up and show your new followers - and maybe refresh the memories of us old folks.
Here's an easy scenario of what happened
Bride:OK I spent all that money on the venue location, the tables, silverware, RSVP cards. Am I forgetting anything on this budget?
Groom:Dear! We forgot to add in a budget for the cake! We don't have enough!
Bride:Ugh! Well what are we going to do?!? I already spent the extra money on the dress and catering!
Groom: Hang on! I know a place that sells wedding cakes cheap we'll just use that!
Bride:.......Alright but it had better be on a fancy platter and have flowers!
I would be in tears...... But, what is the back story?
Can I borrow the "Glass slipper on a Horta?" Love it!
@Mary Kay, I think the sheen on the stack of plates is from the cellophane wrapped around them!
This could be a passable homemade cake, if you ditched the random flower crown and the poo rosettes I initially mistook for real seashells. I mean, there's not a whole lot going on here, but in this instance, less is more.
Well, I want to quote one part of The Reynolds Pamphlet, but technically that's a swear, so, in my best Daveed Diggs impression, "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"
I spend a lot of time watching you tubers make stunning and interesting cakes. This looks like a bad crumb coat at best.
I cannot even imagine what they were really going for with this one.
I'm trying to divide a cake that size by the number of paper plates on the side and get not enough to feed a flea.
Well, it makes a great story?