I Composed The Venue, The Menu, The Seating...
January 24, 2017 Admit it, minions: every time I show you a falling-over, heinously bad wedding wreck, you judge the couple a little. You think they didn't pay enough. You think they tried to get the moon for a plumber's crack budget. I get it.
But what if I told you this is the venue for today's wreck:
;)
Pretty, right? And probably worth a pretty penny?
;)
Note how this looks nothing like Uncle Earl's backyard, or the back room of a dilapidated lodge.
This, my friends, is what we southerners call a classy joint.
And this is the wedding cake they served in that classy joint:
;)
Take a minute. Soak it in.
Join me in trying to decipher the faded poo swirly things on the bottom edge, or that spiky bowl thing on top.
;)
And regarding the pretty silver stand it's on: that's not so much lipstick on a pig as it is glass slippers on a Horta. Which is frickin' hilarious if you're an old school Star Trek fan. (The rest of you, just imagine your pile of dirty laundry... made out of pizza.)
(Or hey, just imagine this cake. They're about equal.)
Thanks to Jennifer S. for the... PAIN!!!
*****
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Reader Comments (78)
NO BAKE I
Spot on in regards to the Horta. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer! "
It looks like the sky took a poop 💩
If those are paper plates, in sets of 16 or 20 as the case may be, there are still too many for that cake - although none of the cake will need be saved, as the only "ornamental" part is the rose tray.
I agree, there has to be a "rest of the story" to this. That cake looks homemade to me.
Please tell me that the venue is the lobby of the historic Hotel Utica in central New York. I swear I've been there before. It is a great space for a glam event. If so, I'm pretty sure you can't blame them for this cake. I don't think they do baking in their kitchen.
I was just talking about that song when I pulled up this page.
You know, though, you and your hubby have rescued women all over the globe from the breakdowns that come with horrible wedding cake disasters...because now, no matter how bad the wedding cake turns out, you can always say "Well, at least it'll be a great post on Cake Wrecks!" and instead of sitting in judgement of the Bride and Groom, people all over the world will be silently (or not so silently) judging the wreckerator, instead.
I was a chef in a "classy joint" like the one pictured, and I've seen a lot of wedding cakes. This one looks like a non-professional job to me. That said, it's not necessarily about the money spent.
We NEVER made the cakes for weddings, but once had to disassemble and reassemble a huge tiered one set up in place by a specialty bakery with three badly-placed supports between the bottom two tiers, so the most of the cake was heading towards the floor long before the wedding party was due to arrive. A quick assessment of the situation was fix the cake, save the day and chew out the bakery later. Another professional cake had pieced-together layers with too much fruity goo between them all held together by 2" thick icing and fell apart when cut, while we had some perfectly lovely (smaller) cakes baked by family or friends...but many of the 'family or friends' cakes were more like this rose-crowned wonder.
"You ever seen somebody ruin his whole life?"
"His poor wife..."
The knives in the table settings appear to be facing the wrong way (outwards from the presumed position of the plates). This makes me think that this is not such a classy joint.
Perhaps it is the wedding version of a smash cake? Or it is for the kids table? Therefore the paper plates. Grabbing at straws here folks....
I guarantee a family member made this cake to try to save the bride some money since they probably blew their budget on the venue. I have seen that happen so many times.
Honestly, I'm too distracted by the chairs to care about the cake.
Why are they wearing sheets? Are they ghost chairs? Is it a kkk wedding?
That spiky bowl looks like a plastic florists' frog that is used to secure cut flowers in an arrangement. If that's the case, then this image would get all kinds of thumbs-up on a site like "Repurposed Recycled Reused Reclaimed Restored." So clever!
Okay, that seriously looks like chewed up gum blobbed onto the bottom of the cake. It's literally grossing me out. REFUND!!!
Having seen many weddings and receptions at my venue, I was always surprised that brides would splurge on crap and go cheap on the important stuff. Like renting a $600 photo booth but using plastic tablecloths. Or spend all their money on the venue and cheap out with paper plates from Walmart.
I don't care how "classy" the joint is. The paper plates are as tacky as the cake.
and because I've been struck poetic:
There once was a mortified bride
who wanted to run away and hide
She just couldn't take
What they made for her cake
When she saw it she broke down and cried.
I'll be the odd one out and say those plates don't look like paper. They look too thick to be.
As for the cake, well...it's kinda ugly. I'm guessing the couple ordered something much nicer, but unfortunately, paying more or going to a "fancy" bakery doesn't guarantee a good result.
Something tells me the wreckerator dropped that off and ran for the hills. Man I hope the bride got a refund for that.
I had my doubts when I saw the net curtains hung behind the "thrones"
Covers on the chairs is really a thing. I first encountered it in a very fancy place in Delhi (India) and one can buy those chair dresses here in the US, too. Bed Bath and Beyond has them from $5 to $30! A place called "Chair Cover Factory" says "Add style and glamour to your event by using elegant and classy party chair covers."
I do not think it looks good or classy, but there is no accounting for tastes. But they are washable and do serve to disguise folding chairs by allowing for a unified look.
The backward knives are a faux-pas, but in the 21st century, how many would know?
Are those REAL plates??? not paper plates!
And what's "...The rest of the story?"
Good day.
:-)
It looks like a nuclear reactor to me. With flowers on top.
@ Jules -- thanks, that would explain it. But why wouldn't they open the packages ... saving money again, no doubt (LOL)!
That poor cake! Forced out in public naked, without its fondant.
Is this Hotel Utica in upstate NY? Looks exactly like it. If so...Judy Garland sang there off the balcony. So sad, so ugly...and with amazing bakeries within walking distance!