The Beach Is Terrible And These Bakers Know It
September 22, 2016 Fall, Schmall - it's still 90 degrees here in the South, and we know just how to celebrate sun, sand, and whatever is happening here:
;)
If you squint your eyes and back up a little, this will totally look fuzzier and farther away.
Look, Truth Time: we all know the beach sucks.
After all, it's hot,
;)
...there are people there, a shark could eat your Barbies...
;)
...there are people there, there's the whole sand situation...
;)
...and sunburns,
;)
(Actual photo of John after 20 minutes outside.)
...plus more people, and, well, you get the idea.
And can we talk about the littering? Because forget diapers in the ocean, now there are WHOLE BABY BUTTS:
;)
This... cannot be sanitary.
Though I'll admit a grudging respect for whoever decided "Sleeping With The Fishes" was the perfect baby shower theme. I just hope they ran with it and had dock-side decorations, cement shoe balloon weights, and of course floating baby ice cubes, which for some reason are an actual thing.
Thanks to LeeAnn H., Heidi K., Porsha K., Chad C., Jennifer K., & Mary Susan for helping ensure none of my friends ever ask me to throw a baby shower. Again.
*****
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Reader Comments (40)
I love how that first wreckerator carefully drew those squiggly lines to let us know that lone cupcake was, um, doing something.
Wait, is that supposed to be a palm tree with a coconut falling out of it? Maybe after a hurricane that was strong enough to pull the roots up out of the sand and permanently push the fronds to one side, but not strong enough to dislodge the coconuts?
I may have to start drinking Malibu early today.
Add to that, the unfortunate child is drowning in a sea of guacamole. Who would wish that fate on some innocent child?… unless it's Nicholas from cake three. That child may need an appointment with a behavioral psychologist.
That "sand bucket" looks like a Minion who had been quietly going about his shovelling duties when suddenly he dissolved into Adipose babies.
You say that's a picture of John after 20 minutes outside? Whew - I though someone had taken a photo of ME after 15 minutes outside & posted it to the interwebz without my knowledge!
(Yes, I am one of the Pasty People - and a redhead to boot!)
And the shark cake - if those proportions are correct, we're going to need a bigger boat.
Oh fun! Identify all the parts of Dismembered Barbie and put them back together. Incidentally I think there are parts for at least half another Barbie in there.
I am really concerned about "Nicholas". If this is a child and he requested this cake, it's time for some serious counseling with a psychologist. And if he didn't request it then whoever ordered the cake needs a mental health evaluation. YIKES! LOL
I've thought really hard about it, and I can NOT come up with even ONE reason I would welcome a plastic nekkid baby floating in my drink.
Nope, Not one. and now I need more coffee so I can STOP thinking about nekkid floating babies in my drink.
I like to believe that *doesn't* make me the weirdest one on the internet. At least, today. :-P
The "John lobster" appears to be cosplaying as Deadpool. Either that, or his eyes are melting...in which case, you might want to have that looked at.
I would've loved, no, LOVED that shark cake when I was a kid. Come to think of it, I"m loving it right now. Thanks for the idea for the cake for my upcoming birthday!!!
Sadly, the "shark" looks more like a rabid manatee....
Heavens. Baby ice cubes! Really? (Yes, I followed your link. Serves me right.)
For some reason I thought of frogs and tadpoles with the first one. It's partly green (which isn't easy), and there are squiggly lines which are obviously important and must be tadpoles, and all the black things are warts, of course. Or eggs. The tall brown thing, I have no idea. It must be a mistake.
If I did not have ethics, I would open up a bake shop, set my own hours and make crap like this and laugh, knowing I was making money off of people XD
It's a toss between "Palm Tree Poop" and "Sunburned Beach Wang" for my "favorite" Wreck this week.
The shark cake, on the other hand, is NOT a wreck, and is hysterical. I want one.
OMG!! I totally agree with Kim S - we're gonna need a bigger boat - or a LOT more napkins and maybe a few Dramamine to boot. Additionally I wouldn't want to babysit for Nicolas either; dismembered, half eaten Barbie dolls complete with.... BLOOD ? Jiminy Crickets! ROTFLMAO - as always!
K, I think that Nemo cake is kinda cute. Sure, the baby drowning is a bit freaky, but couldn't this count as a "sweet wreck"? lol
Yes, the beach is terrible. I 100% agree (sand EVERYWHERE). Although, watching my 15-month old discover the joys of digging in sand for the first time was pretty magical, so maybe I'm softening.
I must have a twisted sense of humor because I'm loving Nicholas's cake (though I would never eat it - gross!).
And after you accidentally swallow one of those ice babies, you yell "calling my attorney!", because, you know, that's what we do in this country! I'm glad I'm way past the age of attending baby showers!
Truth be told my kid would love that shark cake... It's a boy thing.
Oh. My. Gosh. I cannot stop staring at that shark cake! It's just so... horribly amazing. And could somebody please fetch that sun a tissue for his runny nose? I don't want to catch anything.
And as far as those baby ice cubes. Why? Just why?
I followed your link to the ice cube babies and clicked on one trying to see an enlarged version so I could make sense of it. Instead I found an explanation. You put one in each person's drink at a baby shower. When the ice melts and the baby in your glass is freed you yell "My water broke." The first person gets a prize.
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/250372060506978686/
When I first saw them, I thought they were cute-creepy in a "naked mohawk-baby carrot jockey" way. Having read the instructions, I think they're creepy in an "Ewwwwww! Gross!" way.
My niece would love that shark cake. Her four-year-old, on the other hand, would be in screaming hysterics at what the "fishy" did to Barbie!
I saw an ice-cream cone dropped next to a trail of stinking dog poop on cake one... Come to think of it, I still see that, even after realizing it's probably meant to be a tree.
OK, I love the shark cake. Yeah, I'm weird.
Nekkid baby ice cubes? Just. . . .no. Not even in the margarita I'm drinking.
On a wind-wrecked beach,
A stinking coconut falls;
And the sun's nose melts.
Got bloody-mouthed sharks?
No prob - bury Barbie in wet sand.
In wrecks, no-one'll know.
Sunburnt Lobster Man,
What yellow shame hides behind
your little sticker?
Baby in the sea?
That must be important, but...
Hey look! I found Dory.
As a life-long lover of all things Barbie, I hate to admit how much I laughed at the Barbies-eating shark cake. Much less yucky than "when your ice cube melts, shout "My water broke!" (yes, I too opened the link).
mindy1, can I go in as a co-owner? I'm also slightly in love with the Barbie-eating shark cake. Maybe Nicholas is related to Sid from "Toy Story."
Heck even that lone cupcake is running away from that monstrosity lmao. Heck I would run off just seeing it myself. Blah hehe.
I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere.
Mr. Sun needs a tissue. He is crying because summer is ending and even he goes south for the winter.
Did you see the prediction that by 2070 there will be 33 million people living in Florida? I am so glad I will not be here to see that.
Nicholas must be the son of Hannibal Lecter, or possibly American Psycho... Needs help fast,if that is how he wants to see women.
These ice cube babies have been around for a while. Here is a delightful tale of using them at a party more than 7 years ago: http://hotdishandhallelujahs.blogspot.com/2009/04/one-with-frozen-babies.html
Joining in the consensus that that's actually a fairly good Barbie-eating shark cake, if you're going to have a Barbie-eating shark cake!
I like the Barbie-eating shark cake. I also like the idea of Barbie-eating shark cakes!
Hey, John, are you of Scandinavian descent too? I'm lucky to last 20 minutes before looking like that. Thank goodness for stickers that read "Yellow," amirite??
That first one, is that a ... And plantains and, oh, never mind.
@ Seabird -- Well done; well done, indeed!
Team Sharkcake that thing is a masterpiece
@ Jane
I see the potential for that game to be very confusing.
(Arthur imagination music plays as we enter my thoughts)
Preggers: "My water broke!"
Party Guests: "Yay, we have a winner!" (chorus of cheers)
Preggers: "No, seriously, my water broke!"
Party Guest: "Wait, lemmie see your glass...that ice is NOT melted! You cheater!"
Preggers: "No, not in the game!!! My water broke...in real life! Help me get to the hospital, quick!" (begins writhing in pain from uncontrolled contractions) "HELP MEEEE!!!"
(Arthur imagination music as we exit thoughts)
Dory's fallen to darkness (just look at that maniacal grin).....