"Takes Direction Well"
September 21, 2016 Ever feel like you've lost your direction in life?
Do you find yourself wandering aimlessly through bakery aisles and back alley icing parlors*?
* I don't actually know if back alley icing parlors exist, but a girl can dream.
Are you stuck in the hangar bay of life, waiting for the pod bay doors of opportunity to open up and spit you out into the sucking black void of PURPOSE?
If the answer is yes, maybe, or "huh?", then have I got the job for you!
;)
That's right, my friends, the time has never been riper to be a Wreckerator! Or a person who likes to mix metaphors badly, like a withered, overripe tree in space.
But let's focus on the wrecking thing for now, shall we?
;)
We're looking for a few good pairs of hands (preferably attached to still-functioning torsos) that can follow directions TO THE LETTER.
And by "we" I mean "me."
And if you see something grammatically wrong with that statement, then I'm afraid you're already disqualified. Kindly collect your complimentary "Prefessional Baker" buttons at the door and show yourselves out.
Now, for the rest of you, just LOOK at all the exciting things your future could have in store!
;)
The glamor! The excitement! The satisfaction of giving a customer EXACTLY what they ask for!
But the REAL cherry on top? Someday you, too, could write, "cherry on top" on one of your orders!
;)
Consider this something to work toward.
Now, who here failed Biology?
Ah, excellent!
Because next up: baby shower cakes.
;)
Thanks to Inge D., Stephanie S., Emily S., Stephanie H., & Sargam M. for being the wind beneath my leaves. Except there's no wind...IN SPACE.
*****
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Reader Comments (38)
I had something really clever to say, but then I saw the last cake and my head started spinning and my stomach started churning and I have to go lie down.
That last question should have been;
"Who, here failed common sense, decency, and the urge to hurl?"
That is not a baby. That is an abortion.
I've seen a lot of nasty baby shower cakes in my time (mostly on this site) but that last one - the sea of red - WHAT THE HECK ARE THE CORDS MADE OF?!?!
It takes a very specific person to look at that last cake and actually eat a piece of it. Maybe it was ordered for some weird version of Fear Factor.
Given the neat lettering and the proper spelling on these cakes you can tell that the decorators took some care. That being the case how much harder would it have been to toss a few sprinkles or cherries on top??
That last one is just making me sad and nauseous because I know a Nidhi and Niti and I'm imagining this cake might be from their baby shower.
That last one is a birthday cake, apparently, for twins with names that sound nearly identical (at least when I say them).
And I wonder if "sprinkels" was spelled that way on the order form, too.
Move over, @SuBee. I need to join you.
So to help take my mind off that last cake, I looked back at the others. A little perspective showed me they aren't so bad after all. Does anyone else see those naked lady outlines from trucker mud flaps on Ken and Luisa's cake? Up there in the balloons, especially that middle one.
That last cake is too danged shiny! Really, it's too much of everything.
Some things are funny, some things are just sad.
Nancy in Caps is just sad.
The last one is apparently a birthday cake for a pair of Indian twins, based on the names. I'll bet they were wishing Mom had opted for http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2008/6/26/you-know-your-mom-is-cheap-when.html
That last one did not please my stomach in the slightest. Augh! I now regret eating lunch.
That last cake though.. You just cannot UNSEE it
For a second there, I thought Ken & Luisa's cake had multiple Mudflap Girls made of balloons.
Why do people even want those kind of baby shower cakes?
With stars and sprinkels (learn to spell) around it, in caps, and under that, a cherry on top. I've become ill from the imitation babies in a sea of blood! I need to take a tums.
I really thought that it was two penises in a pool of blood! Baby shower cake? Oh my God!
Giggle *snort*...eyes BIG! What! the frilly heck..that last one is repulsive.
I never knew Chest Bursters could be twins. Huh.
The baby shower cake looks more like a rather lurid corral with wangs in the larval stage playing with mutated Red Vines licorice twists,,,
I thought maybe the decorations on the anniversary cake were also a not very subtle hint that the happy couple's parents were getting pretty impatient about not being grandparents yet.
For some reason, those sperm balloons on cake #3 remind me of those nekkid woman mudflaps on the back of semis.....
I WANT SPRINKELS!
=^-.-^=
...Kidney-babies = no.
...
...Not just anatomically; cake-form is just as 'no'.
The first thing I thought of upon seeing the last cake was: Oh, look, they're already wired for internet access.
Whoa there! <hurk>
That last cake...
That's just a big ol slab o' not-even-pepto-could-help-this-stomach-upset max-factor Ewww.
I used to think there couldn't be a cake I wouldn't at least try. Not any more.
Was thinking about lunch til I got to that last cake. Now I may avoid food for the rest of my days. (I can still eat at night, of course.)
I mean, I SHOULD be grossed out by the last wreck, but it's SO anatomically INcorrerct that I'm just confused.
Yeah, I saw the naked, green-haired lady with the silver fairy wings under the full moon in the middle of the anniversary cake. But the others were less human and that is when I decided they were trying for balloons....
*sees last cake*
..... O.O .....dear god what are those?
......nuke them from orbit, it's the only way to be sure....
In fiction writing if you inspire emotion in the reader it means you've done your job well... what does it mean when a baker inspires intense repulsion?! I think that fetal cake made me toss a cookie or two...
In response to Ewwwe! That "special person" who'd eat that cake would have to be blind or a serial killer I think. Mmmm baby. Nom Nom Nom.
Bwa ha ha ha ha ha-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!
Nancy's cake is beautiful. Lettering is beautiful. Everything is spelled correctly. But ... close, so close.
Yep, add me to the mudflap girl bandwagon - the shape is perfect.
.
.
Ignoring the gory mess on that last cake, I can read Nidhi and Niti..but what the heck does it say up top, Pgzmthdays?
I have to agree with most of the posters -that last cake made me want to hurl - big time. I can't imagine bringing out that cake and have everyone (ANYONE) saying, "Wow... what a GREAT cake!" I CAN imagine groups of people hurtling towards the door (not unlike that scene in 50s sci-fi classic, The Blob - when movie attendees are seen FLYING out of the theatre ) - yeah. I get that. meo
"We're looking for a few good pairs of hands (preferably attached to still-functioning torsos) that can follow directions TO THE LETTER.
And if you see something grammatically wrong with that statement..."
Forget grammar. How about anatomy? If all the cakes featured here were made by people whose hands are attached to their torsos (with no intervening arms) I say they are masterpieces and not wrecks at all.
Oh man that baby shower thing.... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek scary and truly who would eat it???
My favorite part was the "...if you see something grammatically wrong with that statement". How did you know that I was ruminating over "we" being nominative and "me" being objective? I guess I will collect my prefessional baker button and show myself out....LOL
But thanks for living in my head.