A Cake Wrecks Guide For Nervous Brides
June 15, 2016 Every time we publish wedding wrecks, we get comments from worried brides afraid their cake will be the next one featured on Cake Wrecks. This is both understandable and terribly selfish, since the rest of us depend on your misfortune for our daily chuckles. HAVE YOU NO HEART?
Ok, ok, fine. I guess I can spare a few pointers.
;)
1) Check your baker's previous work.
Remember, you want a cake pretty enough to move your guests to tears:
;)
...not tiers that move themselves.
Also, let's save the Reddi-Wip for the wedding night, mkay?
;)
And the condoms, too.
2) Pick a design that isn't too complicated.
For example: "Fuzzy yellow caterpillars, pink sea anemones, and eyeballs"
;)
...is too complicated.
On the other hand, bright colors, black vines and listless despair are perfect:
;)
...for arranged marriages in bad gothic romance novels.
So unless your wicked guardian is forcing you to marry a man you don't love so they can bilk you out of a fortune you never knew you had whilst the wind howls mournfully across the tempestuous moors, I'd suggest something a tad more cheerful.
;)
But not this cheerful.
3) And finally, make sure your design is appetizing.
;)
After all, no one is going to want to eat a cake that looks like you used it to juice Cookie Monster.
(Ewwww.)
Thanks to Holly J., Lorie B., Ben C., Olivia X., and Arielle C. who are probably wondering if that last cake tastes like cookies or sweaty fur. (And if they weren't, I bet they are noo-ooow!)
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Hey brides! Use this handy printable checklist to make planning easier!
☐ Well-made.
☐ Contraceptive free.
☐ No eyeballs.
☐ No tempestuous moors.
☐ No dead Muppets.
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*****
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Reader Comments (42)
Hahahahahaha XD love these missed mark posts, but in all seriousness, WTF IS THAT LAST ONE?! D:
Please tell me those aren't real condoms. I threw up a little in my mouth when I saw that cake. Hrk.
On the other hand, "let's save the Reddi-Wip for the wedding night, mkay?" made me LOL
Jen, Brava! Take a well deserved bow. Great post as always. I'm a Cookie Monster fan, huge fan. And I wasn't wondering if the last cake tasted like cookies or blue sweaty fur, but I am Noo-ooow! Hehehe.
The cake of listless despair reminds me of this long forgotten poem by Victorian poet Catheryn Bates Boulanger:
I am - yet what I am, none cares or knows;
My baker forsakes me like a memory lost:
Is it I who cause the bridal woes —
Which cause such pain to the wedding host,
My teirs fall like the tears of one in frenzied throes
Of nausea and of cookies tossed
Why such scorn for the protection I provide
To guard the turrets standing tall
Am I not the one to save the bride
From unwanted answers to nature's call
For this, I still feel peaceful pride
Though the gathered guests all bawl
I long for scenes where cakes receive their due
A place where bride and groom need not weep
Where guests see what I know is true
I am not evil, merely cheap
My icing be it yellow or too, too blue
Was meant for joy to reap
That fifth one is rather well done if you're into that kind of thing. (
.
..
...
(Must we ALWAYS be negative?)
I liked that last one, thought it wasn't too bad. The deep blue color makes it look like a fountain. Not an especially spectacular fountain, but at one of the smaller city parks in the summer.
I think the condom cake and the "mr. happy" cake are made for each other....
I nearly spit out my morning coffee looking at these :D
Was that first cake created for the marriage of Thing and Thingette?
"Juicing Cookie Monster" will have me giggling all day (only because I KNOW that it didn't really happen.)
And, I love the chopstick used to prop up the erectile dysfunction on the second last one.
The last cake isn't half bad when you consider that crafting a fountain-shaped cake is pretty ambitious. Except WHY ARE THERE SPIKES ON THE TOP??? I don't understand the top AT ALL.
I might add that the sixth one is also rather well done if you're into that kind of thing ;)
Nancy - It would be well-done if the "no readily apparent reason" mini-fountain in the middle weren't spewing mystery liquid all over the bottom tier and causing the icing to melt.
A fine illustrated essay on one of the advantages of remaining marriage-free.
The yellow caterpillars? Why, why WHY? Do you think the bride's hateful future mother-in-law ordered it?
"Keep it condom-free." Good advice for cakes. And playgrounds. And the pool while Mom and Dad are out of town. But especially cakes.
(Thanks Jen. Today's post made me smile even as I'm spending another day away after our flight was cancelled last night. And we rang up a hefty bar tab as we waited through the delays. Beware the hidden costs of travel!) (Mr Wonderful just reminded me we have to go through security again. I'm re-reading this entire post and making it today's happy place.)
The top section of the final Wreck could easily be a stunt double for a Super Mario enemy character !
Oh, great, Jen...Now EVERYONE is going to want a Muppet juicer. ("And that's not ALL- Order now and get 50% off your next order!! Which means we'll send half of what you ordered, but by then, we'll be gone...ha ha....! ")
This message brought to you by DontTelDontCareLtd.=^-.-^= (Who wants to juice a Muppet, anyway?)
I like the Cake of Listless Despair. Bright colors + gothic horror = Win for me. However, the listless despair is making the black icing weep in sad, gray puddles which takes away from the dramatic effect.
Cake of Dicks. Wow.
OMG! laughing so hard at work!
The last one looks like the water from a portable toilet.
I love your descriptions.
"Juicing Cookie Monster" is the name of my new band!! All these wrecks had me trying not to laugh too loudly at work, thus calling attention to myself...
"Tempestuous moors" made me laugh far more than it should have.
I think they copied the fountain from a real one, and the spiky things are to keep the birds from perching on the top and befouling the porta-potty fluid.
I'm pretty impressed by the fountain cake. But, like @Julie, why the spikes? They just seem so...pointy.
Speaking of getting to the point, I can't think of a single body part cake I have found appetizing or visually appealing. Sure, I can appreciate that the work done on Pointer 1 and Pointer 2 is of high quality, but did it have to be disembodied parts? (Though I suppose all parts are disembodied, otherwise they wouldn't be parts. If they are attached, are they bodied or embodied? Aaaaand now I'm rambling. Back to work.)
I actually snorted when I reached the checklist! I am making a protest sign now...No Dead Muppets!
The hand cake wasn't too bad - excluding the fact that disembodied hand are just creepy.
I cannot communicate the joy and mirth the captions of the last cake brought to our household...We have been sick and have a persistent cough...this made us laugh until we cried and cough until we were ready to pee our pants...Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Juicing muppets is just wrong...but that is *exactly* what that brought to mind...it was a well done cake and I was expecting a Dr. Who-theme with a topper like that...but the gestalt of that just didn't happen - Juicing Cookie Monster was a much better explanation.
Thank you, again, from the bottom of my underwear! K
Welp. Now we know what happens to muppets when they're bad. Also: "So unless your wicked guardian is forcing you to marry a man you don't love so they can bilk you out of a fortune you never knew you had whilst the wind howls mournfully across the tempestuous moors..." I really want to read that story. Also, using 'whilst' in a sentence means you win the internet.
Seriously, what ARE those round things on Cake 3? (Gross AND a choking hazard.)
The pointy things on the fountain might be doves.
I'm so happy that Lady Fingers got back from her trip around the world and married Thing, but I wonder why he's making the the B.S. sign.
There was a mini-golf place by the beach where I grew up that had a river (by river I mean a concrete trough six inches deep) running through the middle. The water was that same color blue as on that last cake.
Well, I thought the Groom's fingers were making the American Sign Language figure for "I love you".
I do wedding cakes for a hobby, and have volunteered to make a cake for a young lady at our church who is intent on putting every idea she has seen, read about or heard of on her wedding cake. Sort of Nanny McPhee in a circus tent. That Yellow caterpillars and eyeballs (I thought they were boobs, especially considering the condom cake above it.) would be something she'd just LOVE.
Mustn't let her see this!
SuBee- that Boulanger poem is a classic- thanks so much for sharing! :)
Wang castle cake! Wang castle cake! Or possibly, a cake depiction of Castle Wang. I love wang castle cake! All I need is for somebody to get hitched around Thanksgiving time, and want to get into the spirit of the season, and dish up TURKEY POO WANG CASTLE CAKE and I will faint from the awesome!
Spikey fountains cry
For Cookie Monster's last stand
Blue waters of grief
I'm wondering what the 'condoms' are meant to be, too?
What listless despair ? that cake has a definite list.
I agree, even the "good" cakes are not what I would want to see at a wedding. No matter how well made, the hands with the emaciated forearms are creepy.
"But not this cheerful" LOVE!
You should add to the list no live fish/animals or stuffed anything on the cake lol. Oh man the poor juiced Cookie Monster cake.. just no lol.
The yellow wreck brings to mind fond memories of the Albino Booby Tower
http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2009/6/5/and-now-more-weird-wedding-cakes.html?currentPage=3
On a related note, 'wreckerators' beware - the Detroit Free Press this am featured the story "Woman 'drop kicks' custom Kroger cake, saying it was 'ruined'"
http://www.freep.com/story/news/local/michigan/oakland/2016/06/16/drop-kicks-birthday-cake-kroger-police-batman-superman/86005014/
I would be honored to have the overly cheerful cake at my wedding. I think it would be a wonderful diversion - you know something for everyone to whisper and chuckle about instead of trying to figure out who all the interesting highly tattooed guests are and why the 'priest' seems to be a woman holding a bunch of ribbons instead of rings. Good times. Good times.