Ain't No Party Like A Cake Wrecks Woman-Giving-Birth-In-A-Bathtub Par-TAY
December 5, 2016 John tells me it's Bathtub Party Day, and John ALSO tells me this is the perfect opportunity to remind you of our second-ever censored Cake Wreck, posted several Internet ice ages ago back in 2008.
SO...
Who's ready for some life-sized, potentially-nightmare-inducing, definitely traumatizing, yet fortuitously-censored CAKE? Hmm?
;)
Settle down, now, all of you; there's enough here for everyone.
And no, you CAN'T all split that little birthday cake; then who would eat the legs? The belly? The.. er...tracts of land?
More importantly, who would peel off the towel and answer that one burning question in all our minds:
;)
...which would be worse, eyes or no eyes?
(John would like me to point out that this cake has teeth. There are so many things wrong with that statement, I don't even know where to begin.)
What's that? You want another angle?
SAY NO MORE.
;)
We established last time that "Uprise" is either a really bad attempt at "surprise," the reaction your lunch has to seeing this cake (Hamilton Time: RISE UP!), or possibly the name of the birthing center where this was served. Personally I'm rooting for reason #2.
I actually had this submitted twice, by both Gina & Jeanette E, so thanks for that, ladies. I think it's safe to say none of us will ever bathe with our birthday cakes the same way ever again.
SPECIAL BONUS CONTENT:
Q: You know what the best part of a life-sized nekkid lady cake is?
;)
A: The leftovers.
Note from john (thoJ): By popular request, here's a link to the uncensored picture.
*****
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Reader Comments (39)
That neck and jawline make this cake look as if is a man under the towel.
Am I the only one who thinks the jawline belongs to a man? Which then makes this oh-so-wrong cake even wronger?
(Please excuse the lapse in grammar. My brain is crying.)
Rise up
With a cake between your knees
You rise up
Tell that mother that she's gotta rise up
Tell her infant that he's gotta rise up
When are bakers, God please, gonna
Rise up?
When are bakers, God please, gonna
Rise up?
When are bakers, God please, gonna
Rise up?
Rise up! Rise up!
Also highly disturbing to me is that this cake depicts a pregnant, rather handsome man. Am I the only one who sees a strong, movie-star jawline? And broad muscular shoulders? Oh, I am? Whoops.
… add to that, the fact that the "woman" has the jaw line and neck of Arnold Swartzenager!
"Dah HORRAH!"
This is a DAY?!? Are there really that many people around who put on invitations, "Drop on by. Be sure to come upstairs--I'll already be soaking. BYOB."?
Today happens to be my son's birthday.
There were no bathtubs (or cakes) used in the production of this child.
Umm, Mrs. Lippman from Silence of the Lambs come to anyone else's mind? Ick.
As horrifying as it is, this is clearly a gender-reveal cake, telling folks the baby is a male. Of course, the blue lettering on the tub is a hint, as is the somewhat coarse reference to a function of the male anatomy that the word suggests, but the real giveaway is the small cake floating on the water: boy-ancy.
So, a large man without enough room in the tub for his arms or legs has given birth to a cake in a tub filled with what looks like seaweed. I guess that's why he's blindfolded. I wonder if it would look less like a horror movie if it didn't have those teeth.
So is there a link to a pic without the bar?
Thanks for starting, SuBee! Here's more:
I remember wrecks so much; I want it out of my memory,
That jawline's gonna get me,
freaky towel faced tub birth's gonna ick me
If they serve me tummy, do I run or do I try to flee?
Can't they just serve something yummy?
See, I just wanted something that tastes good,
not something from the wrecker in my neighborhood.
Ask anybody why'd they order fast, got a gaffe, don't they have a trained staff?
Shower cake's' a laugh, it's odd, not misunderstood!
The horror....the unspeakable horror D:
@Scapermama-Raise a glass!!
Yeah, the jaw and pointy teeth are freakishly masculine, but the neck is actually square!
Possibly a man… or a not-well-nourished woman (pardon me if I say "hillbilly"), but then she wouldn't have so many teeth left. This is beyond horrid. The grinning guest with the leftovers just puts the … icing on the cake.
I hope the guest of honor had a "sense of humor"; if it was MY baby shower, I would have gone white with rage, burst into tears, and run off. I would also have taken the hostess and all her coconspiritors off my Xmas card list, unfriended them on Facebook and in real life, and considered hiring my local Mad Bomber to reduce their houses to smoking holes in the ground (preferably without loss of life). Hormones, y'know…
Dare I ask what the green ribbon-y things are supposed to be?
I see the creepy old lady from The Shining is back!
OMG. OMG. OMG. I am speechless. And if you knew me you would know how seldom that happens.
Apparently, our Mom-to-be took hormones/steroids when she was on the East German Olympic Team.
(a la Arnold in "Junior")
That last picture just makes me think of Jack the Ripper. Mmmm, Ripper cakes!
Two wreckorators and a customer walk into room
With a plan neither opposed, bros
They emerge with a big UPRISE, having sculpted mom who is
seriously unclothed,
Woah!
The wreckorator emerges with an unprecedented cake for the shower,
A cake he can shape however he wants,
The shower guest is stuck with the natal disaster,
And it's the pièce de résistance.
I don't wanna be in
The womb where this happens,
The womb where this happens,
The womb where this happens.
No-one should be in the
The womb where this happens,
The womb where this happens,
The womb where this happens.
No one really knows how the shower game's played
The art of the blade
How the cake gets flayed
We just assume that sh*t happens,
But no-one wants to be in
The womb where this happens.
No one else thought, "Why is Cakewrecks posting a Radiohead album cover?" (The Bends? Anybody?)
@Seabird - OH MY GOODNESS, that's **AMAZING**!!! The "womb" where it happens?? Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Why is there a pregnant man in a bathtub? Why???
She looks so...she looks like my grandma. Does she look like anyone else's grandma? Also what were those song posted in the comments supposed to be? I get lost unless the lyrics are identical to the song so sometimes I have no clue what song's being parodied...
Oh. My. God.
Well I hope no one clicked on the uncensored view of this thing otherwise therapy bills will probably go on the rise. I did not click on it lol I want a good Christmas and not be whimpering in fear every time I see a cake lol.
I'm weirded out that the cake between her legs is flesh colored.... With brown dots. It looks like moles.
"It's NAHT a TUMAH!!!"
I made the mistake of doing clicky-clicky. *shudder*
I'm still trying to figure out what was censored on the leftovers -- whatever it is looks to be a little high-set.
@Scapermama - Thanks! I loved yours and SueBee's, too!
@Nathan R - They're all from the musical Hamilton, since Jen mentioned it in the post. SueBee's is the song "Rise Up", Scapermama's is the part used in several songs that starts with "I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory", and mine was "The Room Where It Happens." If you haven't heard the musical soundtrack yet, check it out! It's fun.
Omg! The first thing that came to my mind seeing the close up picture of the head was it's a man in a casket...... until I scrolled down and I was more surprised. Eww .
Ok, I'll be the minority here...I thought it was a pretty cool cake! Even if the neck and jaw are a bit angular. I'm all about the beautiful L & D, though, so there ya go....
@seabird Thank you! I'm always clueless to things like that. I've never really seen a musical.
THE CAKE HAS TEETH -- ::shudders::
That lady's smile in the last photo looks more like she's gritting her teeth in agony and humiliation. You *know* it's going to be all over Facebook!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Death_of_Marat
Hope this helps.
I wish that cake had eyes, but not just any eyes. The eyes you have when you hear a noise in the middle of the night. Or the eyes you get when you see a naked picture. No, give the cake the eyes you get when you had homework due today and you didn't do it. These eyes: O_O