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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Tuesday
Jan052016

Sooooo... No?

You'll never guess what Taryn T. asked her baker:

As perfect as that is, I feel kinda bad that Taryn didn't get her unicorn.

So Taryn, JUST FOR YOU:

Humpy Dumpy

 

Elvis McSquiggle Eye

 

"Nothing To See Here" Brutus the Smoothest [WINK WINK]

 

And I can't decide which of these last two is my favorite:

Squintsy the Aardvark

 

Or

Stumpy Wallbanger.

 

You guys feel free to vote in the comments.

 

Thanks to Ginny V., Cassandra F., Brandi F., Heather C., & Joshanna R. for proving that, no matter what, the answer was still "no."

*****

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Reader Comments (44)

Can you post my comment?

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Oh, Squintsy has nothin' goin' for him. He's just sad. Sad, so badly drawn, and all strung out.
Stumpy, on the other hand, has colors! Sparkles! True, there are no eyes and I don't really see a mouth or nostrils, but still -- lookit the sparkles!

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

Ol' Squintsy there is giving quite the Stephen Gammell vibe. You know, the guy who illustrated Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark? Wasn't there one called "Pink Aardvark of Doom"?

...oh wait, sorry, I got this world confused with the perfect one, where that story totally exists.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered Commentershmana

Cake 5: Bedrock Bakery hires a Lascaux Académie de l'art graduate.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEoin

Definitely Squintsy! Seriously there can never be enough Aardvark cakes.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDeAnna

The CCC (ptooie!) makes me think of The Bloggess's Unicorn Success Club. I think it's the huge eyes and the silly smile.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterElissa

Can you draw unicorns?
an innocent question with dire results
when asked of bakers.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterdrgs4vr

Stumpy Wallbanger - thank goodness I wasn't drinking anything when I read that! Now I've got to find a way to work that into an everyday conversation...

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterjdixon0220

Brutus the Smoothest looks like a rhinoceros with dreams of becoming a stripper.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMoira

Are you sure Allie Brosh didn't make the Elvis unicorn cake? It looks like one of hers. :)

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterRenee

Oh, Squintsy, no discussion necessary! The other is actually somewhat recognizable but Squintsy? That's major ambiguous awful.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered Commenters.marie

That last cake shows why you do not see unicorns ,Thier hair is in their eyes and they can't see female unicorns to go out with

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterLissa

Squintsy for sure! Who doesn't love a giant Aardvark cookie?

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterBluebonnet

Om, are we now hiring kindergarten kids to decorate cakes? Isn't that a violation of the Child Labor Laws? Not that it looks as if the kid labored very hard over poor Squintsy.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterLady Anne

I actually find something sweet about the Stumpy Wallbanger.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMe

Not gonna lie, I would buy that CCC the second I saw it. It looks both ridiculous and delicious.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAl

This made me think of what my sister found for her cat.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/2upciaiqw139k6d/IMG_2017.JPG?dl=0

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterRuby

Could the aardvark be Ethel the Aardvark going Quantity Surveying?

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMonty

I didn't read the cutline for Squintsy the Aardvark. I thought a pink icing balloon had burst on the cake.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTriciaL

Stumpy Wallbanger was another one of those cakes that made me wish I could get *anything* for my birthday that would make me laugh this hard.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJMixx

Actually, it looks to me like Stumpy DID find a girl unicorn. He looks a little... excited... to me.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterChris

Brutus kinda looks like the Manicorn. Maybe he was their inspiration.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSam

I'm going with Stumpy Wallbanger. What a work of, um, er,,, *quotey fingers* "art".

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAmy H.

Please tell me that aardvark was drawn by a (very young) child!

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterfmngwen

Stumpy Wallbanger for sure! too bad about the placement of that red tail though...

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterRachel Schaaf

Actually, I think Elvis McSquiggle Eye is not a unicorn-esque creature, but actually belongs to the more exclusive (elusive?) genre called tooth/semen creatures.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterBarbM

Squintsy the Aardvark and Stumpy Wallbanger... Will be the names of my next pets!

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSher

Elvis McSquiggle Eye is TOTALLY a Fraggle. Which is why I think I'm loving him. =-)

Actually, all of these made me laugh so hard that my son looked up from his homework and said "Cakewrecks again?"

Stumpy is definitely my favorite of the final two. He's got kind of a rainbow-sheepdog-sparkle thing going on.

Back when I was in grade school, I wrote an embarrassingly large number of stories about unicorns, illustrated by drawings that most resembled sausages with legs and horns - but I never tried to sell them on cakes. And then I discovered unicorn stickers worked wonders. =-)

These made my evening. =-)

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSeabird

To the tune of Green Alligators:

Well, Jen saw some wreckin' and it made her sing
She said "Stand back! I'm gonna post that thing!"
Hey wrecky readers, you know what to do -
Vote for your favorites too!

We've got...

Pink aardvark squiggles, a no-neck beast,
a humpty-backed blue thing, and a smooth strip tease
Elvis rockin' Fraggle Rock, with an over-size horn,
But they just can't draw no unicorn!

Well the wreckies were there to laugh and to bawl,
And we joked about Humpty, Stumpy, Brutus and all,
We poked some fun at Elvis, and laughed at old Squintsy,
And ptooied the CCC.

And made fun of those...

Pink aardvark squiggles, and no-neck beast,
The humpty-backed blue thing, and the smooth strip tease
Elvis rockin' Fraggle Rock, with his over-size horn,
'Cause they just can't draw no unicorn!

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSeabird

Ol' Elvis McSquiggle Eye there is just Phineas Flynn in an icing and sprinkles disguise.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

I laughed so hard at the last one that I scared my cat. So I guess my vote goes to Stumpy!

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCyndie

I'll be perfectly honest I read, stumpy wunnabangher 😂😂😂

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDenine

Squeee for happy to see Squintsy making another appearance! (I still see a Marge Simpson HairDooDoo)

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered Commentermsanthrope

Can you draw a unico-orn?
Come on, how bad can it be?
I don't like Humpty anymore,
I think Stumpy *hit the floor,
It's like Elvis has gone awaaaay!
Unicorns used to be beautiful,
But now, they're not.
I wish you would tell me WHYYYY‽
Why is Brutus the Smoothest?
The Aardvark is scaaaryyyy...
Can you draw a unico-orn?
I...guess...not.

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTheOTHERJen

STUMPY WALLBANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<Heidi runs around the room waving the rainbow phallic unicorn with unrestrained glee>

January 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi S

Well that last cake has my vote lmao. Hilarious close but still so far. It must be impossible to draw a unicorn at least for these bakers.

January 6, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterArlene Marie

I'm digging Stumpy Wallbanger--he reminds me of a drunk uncle at a holiday party (with a rainbow lampshade on his head) bumping into walls. LOVE!

January 6, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

Jessica beat me to it: Elvis McSquiggle Eye is TOTALLY a Phineas cake in disguise. And why I loved it best of all, even though it's probably the least unicorn-like, aside from Squintsy the Aardvark ("goes quantity surveying" is automatically tacked on to the end, as other readers have noted).

January 6, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJen H.

I heart Elvis McSquiggle Eye! I know he's a (ptooey!) CCC, but I really want to take him home and make him my pet. He looks so snuggly and sweet!

January 6, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

All I can say is Elvis McSquiggle Eye. Is my favorite

January 6, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDiane

Gotta love Stumpy! I've never seen emo done so colorfully before!

January 6, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterStevie Lou

Squintsy the Aardvark !

(Brutus looked like he was on steroids..).

January 6, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterselkie

Yes! To the people who said Elvis was Phineas in disguise, that's totally what I thought as soon as I saw him! so cute! but seriously, no one has commented on Stumpy's very inflamed testicles?

January 11, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSusana

Elvis McSquiggle Eye reminded me strongly of the rabbit character in the "Life in Hell" cartoon by Matt Groening. I'm expecting to see two big teeth when the bakery label is removed. This character is closely related to Marge Simpson, but I'm not sure which came first. So this is my favorite, because unknowingly he/she made a good cake representation of Rabbit.

January 16, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterphysicsmom

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