Basic Instructions
January 6, 2016 How to Literally Be the Worst Wreckerator:
1) Many names have unusual variations these days, so always remember to double check the spelling ahead of time.
"And her name is Starr with two 'r's."
[writing] "Star...with... two 'R's. Roger.
"No, Star."
"Lady, I got this."
;)
2) A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes it only takes a few to get the general idea across.
"Hi. I'm looking for a Super Mario cake with a green pipe on it - you know, the thing with the plant coming out of it? I called it in a few days ago."
"Oh, right. Um..."
;)
"Sorry, ma'am, but your cake is in another bakery."
3) Keep in mind that some grammatical words have more than one meaning.
For example, 'slash' can also mean 'kill', 'period' can mean 'length of time', and 'space' will always be a mystery.
;)
"Not gonna lie; I would have slashed to go to a 'Pirate Space Palooza' when I was 12. Period."
4) Ordering a cake shouldn't be rocket surgery, so always strive to make the ordering process as easy as possible for your clients.
"Hi there, I'd like to order a cake? It's for my friend Vicki; she's turning thirty on Thursday."
"No problem! I'll just write, 'Vicki Thirty Thursday', then, shall I?"
"Um, no - just a simple 'Happy Thirtieth' will do, thanks."
"'Happy Birthday Thirty,' comin' right up!"
"No no, I want 'Happy Thirtieth,' and then her name on it."
"Yooooou betcha. 'Thirty Happy Vickies' it is!"
"Are you daft? Look, I just want 'Happy Thirtieth, Vicki' ok?"
"OH! Of course! Silly me. Now I understand."
"Finally! Thank you!"
"I just have one question."
"What?"
"Where does the 'Thursday' go?"
[silence]
"Vicki? You ok?"
;)
Thanks to Nancy W., Michele S., Steph W., Nancy E., and my good friend Scott Meyer of the real Basic Instructions for the inspiration.
*****
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Reader Comments (15)
That last one can still be saved! Does Vicki's birthday fall on a Thursday this year??
I object to your obvious war on Hump Day. Posting a Happy Thursday cake on Wednesday is akin to thoughtlessly wishing someone a happy "Holiday" during the oh so brief and oft forgotten Christmas season. I am hoping you will be more thoughtful in the future. Let us remember that Wednesday comes but once a week. We should give it the respect it deserves.
PS I would slash to go to a Pirate Space Palooza today!
PPS I have a terrible sinus headache and your post has made it worse. Sometimes laughter is not the best medicine.
That first cake made my day! The baker gave exactly what was requested -- a star with two R's. Geez, what if someone ordered a cake for me over the phone? It would go something like this:
"That's Jodi, with an "i."
Baker: "Okey Dokey! Got it!"
Then the cake would come out "Jody" and have a drawing of an eyeball below it.
I can just see it now! In my mind's eye.
Good god, do these people have to be reminded how to breathe?!?!?!?!
Poor SuBee! Hope your sinus headache goes away.
Tell you what -- I will be your sleazy lawyer and we can sue Jen for damages! For her OBVIOUS Wednesday prejudices and the HORRIBLE damage they have caused you, and also for making your snoot hurt worse. Do you think we can get Lily in lieu of monetary damages? Sleazy lawyers normally get 20%, I believe, so I get Lily for 20% of the time and you will get her for 80%. Maybe we should ask for some cake too, just as insurance. Cake makes everything better. Especially if it's a hilarious wreck!
I'm still snickering over "Can you draw a unicorn?" as one of life's goals to accomplish by the time we reach 35, and now, apparently we can get cake if we just make it to Thursday. The catch is you can't get it at this bakery.
I don't know what made me laugh more "Happy Thursday Vicki" or the sleazy lawyer trying to sue for Lily!
I could totally spend a Happy Thursday at a Pirate Space Palooza! I'll even bring Vicki along if she wants.
I will be sending my friend Vicki the Happy Thursday cake tomorrow. With the link to today's post. Because otherwise she will think I've finally lost it.
Feel better soon, SuBee. Hot tea with lemon and honey. Jack Daniel's optional.
The Mario cake did have green "piping" at least.
Rocket surgery? Not rocket science or brain surgery?
Wait. So is there an UnREAL BasicInstructions?
Rocket surgery is what is needed after a pirate space palooza. It involves removing the rocket from somewhere it should never have ended up. Not easy, but nothing compared to ordering a cake.
Poor Vicky. Sheesh these wreckerators really shouldn't be allowed near a bakery let alone a poor defenseless cake. Hilarious.
Just *headdesk*