A Celebration Of All States, But Mostly Florida
December 8, 2014 (Caution- Mildly naughty stuff ahead)
Florida is one of those places where everyone wants to live, but no one wants to admit living. Sure, John and I get all the sunshine, Disney World, and tricked out golf cart parades, but we also have Florida Man.
To show there are no hard feelings, though, allow me to present:
My 6 Favorite Florida Man Headlines of 2014
(courtesy of the top 25 from Mashable)
Florida Man Eats Evidence In Court
;)
("Dang it. Well, I guess now we wait to see if he explodes."
"Move to adjourn, your honor?")
Florida Man Arrested After Stealing 36,000 Pounds Of Crisco
Aha! I knew there was something fishy about the new "Bundt Ball O' 'Better' Cream."
;)
Florida Man Assaults Friend With Bucket During Argument Over Whether Or Not An Acquaintance Was Dead
;)
;)
Florida Man Calls Police After Wife Threw Out His Beer
;)
Florida Man Tells Cops, "I Thought Cocaine Wasn't Illegal"
So I guess that explains this:
;)
As if the floating face on the butt cheek didn't give it away.
(Today I learned "snow" is slang for cocaine! Who's broadening her educational horizons NOW, Mr. High School Guidance Counselor? Huh? HUH?!)
And finally:
Florida Man Offered $3 And A Chicken Dinner For Sex
Not sure if Florida Man was offered the $3 and a chicken dinner or if he did the offering, but either way, that must have been one SEXY chicken dinner, peeps.
You know, like this:
;)
(No, it's not cake, but when a reader sends you a picture of naked dancing ladies made out of chicken wings, you share.)
Thanks to Ying J., Caitlin R., Nancy M., Melissa S., MJ, Katie P., Josh M., & Florida Man for scaring off enough potential residents to keep I-4 almost manageable.
*****
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Reader Comments (50)
Oh, for the love of... ??!!??!! Are you trying to kill me? The high-kicking Ringettes, there--I'm DYING, here! That display is just hilarious!! I can almost hear the folks in the Deli: "So they're a little past their prime; no need to rib them about it. And sure, they've been around the block a time or two, and may be a little hard-boiled, but they've still got it!" =^~.~^=
I have no speech...
This post reminds me of Dave Barry, who has lived in Miami for many years, and frequently writes about how insane his city, and indeed most of Florida, is. Sample topic (with photo proof): Live Shark Seen On City Train. I am not making this up.
(If you're not familiar with his work, rectify that immediately. He is often described as "the funniest man in America"; You. Will. Bust. A. Gut.)
Funniest Cake Wrecks EVER!
Ah, yes. The many adventures of Florida Man. I've lived here my whole life. I'm convinced there's something in the water here.
We used to watch that TV show World's Dumbest Criminals and take bets on whether more than half the stories would come from Florida. We were usually right. Actually, one episode featured a friend of my dad's who shoplifted a chihuahua from a pet store.
If you're the drinking type (I'm not) watch any show featuring people doing something stupid and/or criminal and take a shot every time they say "Florida". You'll be wasted before the credits roll.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Lawdy mercy! Just in time for the holidays, in case your party can't book the legendary Rockettes, we present the High Kickin' Drummettes! This is insane. Thank you, Jen, for sharing!!
As a former 35-year-resident of the hot, humid, crowded state of Florida, I'm very familiar with Florida Man. However, I must ask, was the Crisco thief caught? The mainstream media has been negligent in reporting this update. Why, I don't even find it on Google. Must I now get my news from Cake Wrecks?
Okay, so if you're dead you get balloomns AND sprinkles! Yay!
The dancing chicken leg women are cracking me up!
"Florida is one of those places where everyone wants to live, but no one wants to admit living." Sure, Florida people. You keep telling yourselves that while making everyone in the other 49 grateful you exist because you make us feel a little less ashamed about living in ours! The unofficial state motto of every state but Florida: "Well, at least we aren't Florida." :D
"when a reader sends you a picture of naked dancing ladies made out of chicken wings, you share" Now that is something we can all agree on! I think we call also agree that naked dancing ladies made out of chicken wings should be Florida's official state dish!
Yeah, I'm gonna need some instructions on that wing platter. You know, for a friend.
O_0 Hoky Smokes!!
If you ignore the written substance, the three middle cakes ("Donna" thru "Happy Intervention") look all right for standard supermarket fare. I don't expect to be dazzled by a store cake. I just want a basic level of competence and symmetry, and preferably some frosting which lacks grit or that nasty Vanilla Lysol™ aftertaste, etc. Somehow, the overall adequacy just makes the weird factor stand out more.
Maybe these are references to some hit TV show catchphrases that I'm not familiar with...? At least I don't notice any typos or misplaced apostrophes.
Laugh all you want, but those wings look pretty tasty to me. Too bad I already planned something else for Monday dinner.
As a native and lifelong resident of Florida, I can definitely confirm that this state is full of nutjobs, weirdos, and freaks. I'm probably one of them.
Jen, I'm very impressed with your skill at picking photos to match those headlines. You're ALWAYS so damn clever and hilarious. The cakes representing the argument about the maybe-dead acquaintance killed me, and those chicken-leg-nudies are too disgustingly funny. Only CakeWrecks has the power to make me laugh while choking back vomit.
Thank you. I adore you, and I'm thrilled to share odd Florida with you and John.
Okay, I lost control completely on the "Doma's Dead/Shut your Whore Mouth" exchange...then I got to the chicken wing thing at the end. I know my downstairs neighbor enjoyed hearing me roll on my floor, howling. Who cares it isn't cake? It took the cake. OMG! You guys are way funnier than Dave Barry!
I will never look at a chicken wing the same way again.
Omigosh, the High Kickin' Drummettes! My educational horizons have been broadened my life is now complete, and I thank you for sharing.... but I assume you keep the wings for yourself. Now, will you also do a Florida WOMAN post? XD
Well, what do you expect from a state shaped like a part of the male anatomy. And I used to live there for almost 30 years, so I can poke fun.
Links to the stories please!
I will say that I'm pretty sure Florida Man and South Carolina Man are brothers (inbred). You should see some of the headlines here! (Would that all the headlines were accompanied by cake.)
wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> when a reader sends you a picture of naked dancing ladies made out of chicken wings, you share
DOGGONE RIGHT YOU DO.
Never change, CakeWrecks! Or you, Florida Man.
Did anyone else notice that the upside-down heart/butt cookie "cake" is labeled as Muffins? That just made it all the better.
Isn't the "shut your whore mouth" from Anchorman? Or is that the joke?
I've been here long enough that nothing really fazes me anymore. This is why I'm glad to find that the last picture made my jaw drop. Really. I can still be surprised. Thank you.
Now I'm hungry for chicken wings. Just not dancing ones.
Uh... you guys know that DOMA is the Defense of Marriage Act? It was struck down, and thus was dead. Hence the celebration.
I'm wondering if poor "Doma" is, in fact, "DOMA" -- the Defense of Marriage Act. In which case, ding dong, so glad it's dead! :-) A true cause for celebration!
1) What does it say about myself that I can think of several friends, in different circles, that I would love to get "Shut your whore mouth" cake for?
2) While the Happy Birthday/Intervention cake is quite...odd...can we just talk about execution. While they didn't purchase the right size of cake, they made the words fit, and they're all legible! And spelled correctly!
And Jen, if you HADN'T shared the Wingettes, I would have been disappointed.
For the record, I lived in Florida, entirely against my will, and only go back reluctantly to visit family.
Also for the record, those dancing chicken ladies almost make me want to stop being a vegetarian so I can serve them at my next party.
My compliments to your headline. I love that Sam Eagle.
I was born in Florida and grew up there. I'm stuck in Georgia now (also crazy but not in that fun, Florida way), and go back regularly to visit my dad. On a recent trip, this article appeared in the paper:
http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2013-08-20/news/os-missing-shrimp-sword-throwing-20130820_1_samurai-deputies-shrimp
While the story itself was bizarre, even moreso were the comments on the artilce. Specifically, the focus was on the fact that they were arguing over a can of shrimp - as in, who eats *canned* shrimp in Florida?? Yeah, that's what they took away from the story. I really miss Florida.
I almost puked, I was laughing so hard.
3rd cake - DOMAs dead....which is a good thing
"(No, it's not cake, but when a reader sends you a picture of naked dancing ladies made out of chicken wings, you share.)"
Best line in a blog today! You win the Interwebs for that.
I thought the cake said "Donna's dead" cause that looks like two of the letter N to me, not an M.
@ DOMA, BEA - sorry, it actually say's 'Donna's Dead' on #3... someone just forgot how to transition from one n to the next in cursive. There's one too many lumps for it to be an m... and besides, DOMA is an acronym and should be all upper-case. I do agree that DOMA being dead is a good thing, though; not sure about Donna. (Which is probably why the response was so snappish... ) :)
Florida Man, Florida Man
Doin' the things like Florida can
What's he like? It's not important
Florida Man
Is it too hot or is it too wet?
When he makes headlines, is it a wreck?
Or do the wrecks have him instead?
Nobody knows, Florida Man
Cocaine's illegal, Florida Man
Beer police, Florida Man
Florida Man has a bucket fight, wins
Florida Man
(Accordion solo!)
... eh, out of inspiration. Thanks to They Might Be Giants for letting me parody their song 'Particle Man' in part. :)
Every year, my aunt asks my husband to make chicken wings for her for Christmas because she doesn't like ham (which the rest of us gleefully glut ourselves with.) He doesn't mind, but...I think this erotic-chicken-legged-show might be in order.
Suddenly, I find myself humming the can-can... Party on, Florida Man!
@Starknight - Loved the song!
Have you heard of the Woody and Wilcox show? They play a game called "It Happened in Florida" where they list off 3 bizarre incidents and the caller has to guess which one happened in Florida. They play this game everyday and so far, no repeats.
As for the dancing chicken wings...creative, yet creepy.
Loved the dancing wings lol. I will never look at them the same again though I will still happily eat them seeing as they are one of my favorite things wreckerators have yet to scare me off of.
Those exploding buttercream buns are amazing. The buttercream really does explode in your
Mouth when you bite into them, and it's the gooooooood stuff, buttery and not overly sweet.
Florida Man reminds me of The Onion's article on The Middle Name of Doom - Wayne.
I live in the I-4 corridor, and THANK YOU for deterring future residents, Florida Man. These were hysterical!!
...I want that "Shut Your Whore Mouth" cake.
Well....At least "explode butter cream bun" is spelled correctly, even if it's not translated correctly.
I'm from Florida, (FWB) born and raised and lived there until a few years ago... I still have friends and family there, I've heard every single joke and stereotype about Florida and it's inhabitants, and I consider myself pretty much in the know about teh interwebz... but I swear to God, I have never heard of the Florida Man thing (meme?) until just right now. XD How did this slip by me? It's hysterical and yet so sad all at the same time. If I Googled the right Florida Man picture, I think we just may have found Skunk Ape's long lost cousin.
Did anyone notice on the "I love snow" cake that at the top it is labeled as muffins?
The way those cucumber's are sprinkled heavily with dill, makes me think the wing girls could very well have been made in my own lovely homeland of Latvia, or at least somewhere thereabouts....
Why in the name of all that is holy would you ever need a cake that said "Shut Your Whore Mouth"?
That last one is the oddest smörgåstårta (look it up!) I have ever seen.
"Shut your whore mouth" is a quote from Hemlock Grove. Probably other places, but definitely Hemlock Grove.