Reading Between The Wrecks
February 14, 2013 Chocolates? Flowers? Cutesy stuffed animals?
BO-RING.
This Valentine's day, give me something a little out-of-the-ordinary! Something a little daring! Something a little...um...
;)
...crappy?
(Remember, the couple that leaves flaming bags of poo on doorsteps together, STAYS together.)
;)
I'm getting kind of a mixed message here.
;)
Ok, now it's less mixed.
;)
Hang on. So you're saying you morph into a heart-chomping werewolf at night? Is that it?
;)
And the call is coming from inside the house?
;)
And you may need diapers?
;)
But you still love me in your barbaric, wolfish way?
Aw. Well, I guess that IS kind of sweet...
;)
Will you stop killing things while I'm trying to talk to you.
Well, I guess the only really important thing is that we understand one another, right?
;)
[crickets]
That and house training, of course.
;)
BAD WEREWOLF.
Thanks to Rebekah G., Meredith G., Carolyn, Brandy S., Chau, Laura E., Kerry M., Lynn B., Anne Q., & Anthony S. for reminding us to just stick with boxes of chocolates.
Unless we're werewolves.
Reader Comments (57)
I would like to take a moment to clear my name of any suggestion of any wrong doo-ing on my part. I ass-ure you I had nothing to doo with any of these spectacular creations.
Two hearts entangled
in entrails, by the full moon -
Young lycanthrope love.
Does that one say "me amo?" That unfortunate spacing error made it translate to "I love myself" in Spanish. That makes it even creepier to me. I assume it was supposed to say something along the lines of mi amore?
*headtilt* Straw you mine? You straw mine? ...I got nothin.
Also I like how the manager wants the heart-munching werewolf GONE...and cheap!
FIRST AND FOREMOST: Happy 13th Birthday, Matt! You’re the best Valentine Dad and I ever got.
Sung to “Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone”
(I know I just used this, but it was perfect for a post that ran the gamut from flaming poo to werewolves to Huggies to housebreaking…and still somehow worked perfectly for Valentine’s Day… Bravo, Jen.)
Oh where, oh where has my little were gone?
The flaming poo piles tell me.
I need some help ‘cause the moon is full
And he’s in the house with me.
I think we may have to
Buy some Depends
At least, I know he’s with me
If he’d just stop
Killing all my friends
I’d know he understood me
Oh where, oh where has my little were gone
Still not housebroken, I see
I’m going to rent a Rug Doctor
He’d better reimburse me.
Bah-ha-ha-ha-haa! Oh gosh I love it! Though the flaming roses and ladybugs with pile of flaming poo did throw me for a loop. These are great! Best way to mark the day ever!
Wooing by doo-ings?
How do I love wrecks, let me count the ways
I love them , when searching out a cake
With glitches, goofs and some mistake
To cause a finely timed spit-take.
I love theblood and bag of poo
That sits there in my line of sight
And burns in place of candle-light.
I love the spelling, not meant to confuse
I love the grammar, as poor as any seen
All made with skill and love and such.
I love a bloody heart, used as a valentine
I love a scary house to see
An innocent message-You Mine
Hope you all enjoy your VD.
With apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning and anyone who knows anything at all about poetry.
I'm sorry. Truly, truly sorry.
Actually, the Help cookie cake is kind of awesome in a desperate, "where did that come from" way. Add an exclamation point and it'd be perfect for a Beatles fan. Or make it "help me" with a little fly (not real, bakers) for that classic horror fan.
2 words on the second one: Love Volcano.
"Team o" might be I Love You in Italian, Ti Amo.
"Me Amo Re" could be My Love in Spanish, Mi Amor.
It's a multilingual wreck.
Happy B-V-D, Matt! Wait, isn't that an underwear brand?! Well, you know, it's the thought that counts...<snort>
One of your best, Sharyn. Definitely one of your best.
And I think that noise I hear <WHOOSH> is Lizzy Browning spinning in her grave...or trying to dig herself out & go after SuBee...
What is the Spanish one supposed to be? Is it supposed to be boxer shorts? And it says I love myself? Uh.........I think I'm starting to get the picture.....OH NO!.....That is a picture I don't want.
Bahahahahahaha these would be perfect for anti valentines parties XD XD XD
Sharyn, Haiku Joy and suebee perfect :D :D
I sort of like the "You and Me Atop Mount Doom" one. It appeals to my geeky soul if looked at in the right way. I wouldn't mind getting that one. (I know, I know, but I'm *trying* here...)
Best line of the day: "Will you stop killing things while I'm trying to talk to you" to Jen
Best use of "lycanthrope" in a casual sentence -- Haiku Joy
Best re-running of the rewording of a famous song -- always -- Sharyn
Happy V.D. everyone!
Unfortunately I'm not finding these cakes funny.... I"m South African... Today is certainly a bloody Valentine's. Was hoping Cakewrecks would perk me up but unfortunately for once your cakes made me genuinely sad.
The subtle wreckiness of the I 'Love' You cake is just brilliant.
Wreck Number Two: "You and me on the highway to Hell, baby! YEAH!!!! (insert power-chord here)!!!"
Happy Birthday Matt! ~Love all of us here at CW! Hope you have the bestest day ever!!!
@Sharyn I'm totally impressed that you found a way to use that song twice in one week and make it completely different! Impressive indeed!
@SuBee~ You're on a roll.. seriously!
As for me, I'll be sitting over here in the corner munching on hearts. Chocolate ones. Nom nom nom :-)
Nothing says "I love you" like a burning pile of poo.
First thought: why are there ladybugs in the ring of fire? Are they soaps? They look like soaps. :P
Second thought: the munched heart cake is the most unusual yet subtle Valentines cake I've ever seen.
Third thought: why is there an Olympic torch on the huggies cake?
Fourth thought: the bilingual wreck says. "Team o me" around a giant tie. O.O
Great comments as usual - really had me LOL. Glad I have an office with a door!! :P
Yay for birthdays and yay for Sharyn's Matt! Enjoy the teenage years!
#2: Translation: Whenever you are near me, my heart explodes like a bloody volcano and the lady bugs dance in the flames of our passion.
#4: Manager's Special : - )
#7: @Amanda H.: I thought that was a candy cigarette, which makes much more sen--nope, still don't get it. Perhaps the recipient is a miner....
"Will you stop killing things....." heehee.
@Sharyn's Matt: Happy birthday! Officially a teen now. Congratulations. (Translated into Teen Speak = perform the '"s'up" head nod and say, "Hey.")
It was my little one's birthday last night. The luckiest Friday the 13th I ever had. He's 15!
@SuBee: *clapping* hee.
@Haiku Joy: Welcome back to the Jedi.
@Sharyn: You never cease to amaze.
@docbanger: very clever!
My husband and my four-year-old made red velvet cupcakes for me last night. They used a slightly-too-small bowl and a much-too-high speed on the electric mixer. It now looks like a CSI episode in my kitchen.
These wrecks would totally fit in here.
funnier still yet- i just finished a romance novel starring a.....WEREWOLF!! ahahahahaha
Happy Birthday
Under Neat That
Matt!
Hey - I've got a 12 year old Valentine Day present living at my house, so Sharyn we're almost like twins or not. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THING1 !!
I do want to know what that straw YOU MINE was supposed to be.
@ Party Princess - Unfortunately, Jen can't know what's happening all over the world all of the time. If you are especially sensitive to other's humor, than I suggest you take it with a grain of salt and move on with your day. Telling Jen that she has made you more upset when she's just trying to entertain us is not really necessary.
@ Poopy cakes - I love every one from the bottom...yeah, I'll just stop there.
Te amo me amore LOL!!!!!
I like how in the House of Horror (and Roses), someone scrapped off the "Happy". Obviously they knew THAT wasn't goingt to happen...
Nothing evokes the love vibe like Poo Butterflies!
(with aplogies to E.B. Browning)
To My Wolfish Lover
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depths and breadth and height
Of the firey poop you left on my porch one night,
Or when you wrote "HELP" on my soul
And sunk your teeth into my heart that day,
Took me to your house -- it was a fright --
Filled with heart-shapped diapers -- what a sight,
Proclaimed me "You Mine" in the morning haze
Through blood-spattered maw as you ate small rabbits,
Professing your love in Spanish tongue...
(But you've got some un-lovely potty habbits
And your pet butterflies leave trailing dung.)
But why do I love you? Reason one
Is because, well dearest, you're really hung.....
When viewing Cake #2, all I could hear in my head was the Man in Black singing,
"I laid eyes on a burning cake of fire,
The ladybugs and plastic flowers were higher,
And it's wrecked, wrecked, wrecked...
The cake of fire, the cake of fire."
Re: Cake #9: "Team o...Me amo re xox?" Fetch me my secret decoder ring!
1th Wreck:
[Insert eighth-grade post-lunch bathroom humor regarding matches here]
2rd Wreck:
Me and You
You and Me
We're a Ladybug Family
Up in Flames
Up in Poo
What's a Ladybug Family to Do?
3st Wreck:
If you examine it closely (go on, it won't hurt you… much!), you will see that it actually says "AECP," which stands for Accurate Echo-Cardiogram Procedure. Obviously, this cookie cake is meant for someone being tested for heart troubles and is wishing them a great test. I'm sure the eggs, sugar, and lard will help with that.
4nd Wreck:
Eat your heart out, bebeh!
5st Wreck:
How do you recycle an unpurchased gingerbread house that can't pass inspection anymore? Put some bleeding roses on it and they'll be too frosting-shocked to notice the state of what's underneath. Putting an "A" on the door will subtly imply that it is quality work.
6st Wreck:
Does that say "2D" under "Hugges?" Is that a diaper size? You don't suppose that's a warning that there are diapers inside? Maybe on the king cake donut baby?
7rd Wreck:
I think that might be a pole for vaulting over the pile of poo. Obviously, they did not succeed.
8st Wreck:
Jen, there is no point in my even trying to add anything to your line. It is perfection.
9st Wreck:
This basketball cake (Hey, Teen Wolf played basketball!) is sporting (Ha!) a tie so you can take it into a nice restaurant for your celebration of the team scoring 0. It also declares that we (the team, presumably?) love "re." This is the cool way to spell Ray or Rhea. As for what's happening down there with the three-eyed smiley face, I'm not sure.
10rd Wreck:
It would have been better if those cocoons hadn't opened.
P.S. Happy Birthday to Matt!
I legitimately thought the huggies cake said haggis. Nothin' says lovin' like some stuffed sheep stomach!
@Andrea - "the lady bugs dance in the flames of our passion" - hahahaha!!!
Jen - Happy VD day!! my favorite quote of today: "BAD WEREWOLF"
google translate tells me that "team o me amo re xoxo" is Latin for "Oh, I love this team and I xoxo"
I really hope someone can explain the straw on the "you mine" cake. I can't figure out what it could be. Maybe the wreckorator thought people would be sharing a line of coke to celebrate their V.D.?
#1 'Lite' this on fire. Wait -- that sounds like a crude challenge. 'Lite' this cookie on fire.
#2 I get it: 'burning love'. Which certainly explains the roses and the ladybugs. Maybe 'this cake is condemned' is a better thematic fit.
#3 At last, a wreckorator reaches out. Recognizing there's a problem is half the battle, as they say.
#4 For some reason, I went straight to the Cakeoliers. They won by default, since there wasn't anything technically for DOC to do here.
#5 "[random smear] y valentine." I'd also like to know 'y'. As in 'y' anyone would think this was fit to be sold.
#6 This origin of this one is confusing. The price is in dollars, but there is no detailed ingredients list, nor any catalog of warnings ("Caution: May be edible"), and it is lacking completely in any nutritional information. Further, the weight is in grams, and the date is in that awkward year/month/day format. It therefore cannot be American. Australian, perhaps? Or that country to the north, but they would never spell 'huggs' with an 'e'.
#7 The argument is a straw, man.
#8 I see Mrs. Lovett is now producing cakes as well as pies. Mr. Todd is going to have to step up his, er, 'production'.
#9 I kept trying to get some kind of sports theme out of this, but then I re-parsed the message. What an unfortunate spelling error.
#10 Yes, nothing says 'love' like a pair of incontinent moths.
Flying poopie butterflies!! Nice!
Wait, there's another DB? And here I thought I was your one and only. What a VD bummer!
(Hi, namesake! Or should I say, dopplenamer?)
Eew. Just... eew.
I think the crazy striped red one is supposed to say Ti amo me amore. Tat took too much time to try to figure out.
@Party Princess: You certainly don't have to be Chipper Skipper to play here, but we do protect our Jen most fiercely. She has a big heart, which makes it easier to injure. Any commenters appearing to blame Jen for the state of their unhappiness will be met with swift rebukes from the Bouncers. I feel for you in your sadness. Hope tomorrow is a little bit brighter, but not because someone has 'lited' the poo on fire. Cheers.
Happy VD to all, and to all a good night!
OK, I totally love the HELP cake. And the chewing-on-the-heart cake.
But cake no 5? Looks like someone tried to make a castle out of sponge cake, and all of a sudden they puked guacamole and salsa on the turrets. Blech!
Haiku Joy, Sharyn, SuBee: Brilliant again!
After the sweet syrupiness of Valentine's Day in the blogosphere, these are downright refreshing and adorable. I really like the first two fire/volcano ones the best
@Sir Laughsalot - RUN! I think Lizzy's (E.B.B) coming after you now... ;-) (giggle-snort!)
@Cedilah - giggle!
@Craig - Hi, Craig! {waves} I love what you've done with the bunker. ;-)
Thank you very little for that visual, TLC. Now where did I leave that Unsee Machine...?
Re: that last cake --
"When the turds have become ambulatory, it's time to move. Just move. Burn the house and go." -- Mr. Haiku
Re: cake 2 --
First thing I thought of was Joe Versus the Volcano.
Second thing I thought of was the Penny Arcade comic from a couple of iterations back ("Crossfire"): "This is the ring of fire Johnny Cash was talking about."