My Naughty Valentine
February 13, 2013 NOTE: Mildly suggestive humor ahead - so get your kids to explain it if you have any trouble.
NOTE THE SECOND: I'M KIDDING. Clear the area of innocents!
***************
Valentines' day is a celebration of love, and of the people we love, and of the many acts of love that we all...
Oh, look, a ding-dong!
;)
No, no, YOU rock MY world, baby. Mrowr.
I remember a psychology course back in college where they talked a lot about interpreting things like keys and swords and Owen Wilson' nose, but I have to confess I never thought much of it 'til I saw these:
;)
Think it's an Everlast?
(No, I will never stop with the Men In Tights jokes. SORRY.)
Here's a tip: I'm pretty sure swords don't NEED that much of a point:
;)
Or at least not one shaped like that, anyway.
And in case you're starting to feel like these cakes are all thrust and no parry:
;)
Donut worry: My lips are sealed.
I'm pretty sure you won't need Freud's help to spot this classic slip-up:
;)
Talk is cheap, dude. Lemme see your guitar.
You know the saying, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince?" I only ask because reasons.
;)
"Hey, bebeh, wanna go back to my pad? It's kind of chilly in here."
(Not a word on the necklace. NOT A WORD.)
Of course, if you don't want to go for subtle, there's always the blatantly inappropriate approach:
;)
The longer you think about what demographic this cake was made for, the more uncomfortable it gets. (To say nothing of the fact that Barbie has no lower body, and her hair is getting in the icing. Ick.)
Well, whichever option you choose, I sincerely hope that you and your loved ones:
;)
And hey, I mean that - from the bottom of my heart.
Thanks to Mindy B., Kelly G., Jeanne T., Jennifer R., Erica L., Dion H., Katie G., & Chris P. for putting the "wow" in "bow chikka WOW WOW."
Reader Comments (61)
My concern on the ring donuts with the heart-on is the tiny fudge "surprise" left behind where the two missing donuts were.
Lips are sealed, you say.
Don't mention Men in Tights or
. . . American Pie.
Well if I can't say a word about the necklace, I got nothing.
(You do realize that mentioning it only makes it worse)
Sung to ‘My Darling Clementine”
In the bakery, at the grocery
A guitar cake makes me whine
There’s a key to someone’s … heart there
And a sword that’s just not fine
It’s a naughty, it’s a naughty,
It’s a naughty Valentine
Cake love’s lost to me forever
Thanks to naughty Valentines
And the donuts make Freud wary
Dude, sometimes subtlety’s fine
Ain’t NO WAY I’m kissing that frog
Even after lots of wine
It’s a naughty, it’s a naughty,
It’s a naughty Valentine
Cake love’s lost to me forever
Thanks to naughty Valentines
And what did they do to Barbie?
Taking her legs crossed a line
I hope you enjoy your V.D.
While I go and bleach my mind
It’s a naughty, it’s a naughty,
It’s a naughty Valentine
Cake love’s lost to me forever
Thanks to naughty Valentines
Jen, from now on I’m using, “I only ask because reasons.” every time I’m at a loss for words.
That frog has huuuuge tracts of land
What are the two sexiest animals at the farm?
Brown Chicken, Brown Cow!
My daughter is auditioning for Robin Hood on Friday. And it is all us adults can do to NOT have any "Men in Tights" jokes in front of the kids. And no, no one in the cast will have to wear tights. Not only is it uncomfortable for the cast, it is also uncomfortable for the audience.
There once was a cake with a key,
And another with legless Barbie.
On this valentines day
Celebrate a new way,
Just eat cake and you won't get VD.
I've been enjoying your Valentine's Day offerings. Makes me very glad my husband and I don't celebrate "VD" much--we tend to wait for the vastly more important holiday, Feb. 15 which is "All the Valentines' Chocolate is on Sale Day."
At least the VD wishes come from the bottom of your heart, and not vice versa.
Comments should be closed after someone sums everything up by writing a song. Bravo! But I felt the need to point out that I think the "sword" is supposed to be an arrow. Can't wait to see a Hawkeye/cupid mash-up valentine cake, somebody please make that happen.
I am really worried about the person that ordered that barbie cake. Do you think they would serve those on the love boat?
No, please don't stop with the Men in Tights jokes! I think Rabbi Tuckman might have been at work on that CCC.
Enjoy your VD. Funny. My husband's birthday is Valentine's Day. But I was taken back, when I saw an old photo of him with his birthday cake that declared "Happy Birthday VD Baby". I asked him if there was something he needed to tell me....
Loving this post. V.D. is my favorite holiday-not. When greeting card companies came to be-FEB 14th.
At least it's another reason to eat cake though :)
*steps off soapbox*
*side note: Thank you to all who contributed to Give Kids The World. My son just got his passport from them for his Wish trip in a few weeks. I can't wait to see his little face light up :)
Since that frog is a prince, he appears to be holding up his extremely large testicles!!!
I's it me, or does the sword look like a mangled lightsaber?
Once again a Men In Tights joke makes a Cake Wrecks post even funnier. Bravo!
Ah, Valentine's Day... The OTHER annual holiday which brings out the "wreck" in wreckerators like no other... Except Thanksgiving...
I can't get over the half-Barbie. Hahahaha.
True Love means you're willing to take a sword to the heart?
Ouch!
@Jen - Brilliant!!!!
@Sharyn. You outdid yourself. And that's sayin' something
@SueBee -- LOL!!
Can't ...stop...laughing XD XD XD such wonderful expressions of "love"
Haiku joy. sharyn and suebee BAHAHAHA
Of course it doesn't say "True Love". If it did, that would be great.
Nothing beats true love, except maybe a nice MLT when the mutton is nice and lean and the tomatoes are perky. But it clearly says "To Blave", so maybe there was a card game and it cheated.
#1: A heart-shaped banjo. Nothing untoward about that....
#2: Not sure what the key is for, but that looks like a sillouette of The Silence to me....or possibly two members of The Silence in an intimate embrace...? Okay, fine. I'm trying too hard.
#3: That CCC(patooie!) doesn't say True Love. It says To Blave, which means to bluff. So that "sword" probably got caught cheating...
#4: If you want to cash in on the holiday, couldn't you just buy some heart-shaped sprinkes? Or draw one tiny heart in the "corner" (yes, yes, I know round objects don't technically have corners. They don't have lady parts either, but that didn't stop this shop owner, now did it)?
#5: Am I the only one that sees "Hnge Me"?
#6: In the words of Phil Connors, "...REALLY close on this one. Really, really close." Anyone else watch Groundhog Day yesterday? Well, I didn't actually watch it. I TiVo-ed it. Well, my son TiVo-ed it. But, I did watch it, the one time. Aaaaand that's my impression of the 10th Doctor. I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress.
#7: There are so many things that disturb me about that cake, I don't even know where to begin.....
#8: An oldie but a goodie! I'm going to have to use that one this year....
@Oldish Lady: Ha. That's the Holiday the Mr. and I celebrate, too. "75% Off" is my favorite Valentine sentiment! Heehee!
"Oh look, it's a ding-dong!." Is that the new "Squirrel!"
My GF in college (too damn many moons ago) probably would have had the Barbie cake made, judging by the rather explicit candy she used to let me know she was interested.
Men In Tights reference from one of my kids:
10 y/o Son: "I'm the frog prince in our class play "Spamalot." I need some green tights."
Me: "Okay."
Later, when trying on the tights:
Son: "I'm a man! A man in tights!"
Everyone Else: "Tight tights!"
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who sees Owen Wilson's nose that way! Teehee.
Not to mention - where are Barbies hands??
That barbie cake is horrible on many levels, but it is still one of the best uses of "1/2 a barbie shoved in a cake" that I've seen.
Barbie's arms are tucked under the blanket. My first thought was what's she doing under there, all tucked up like that....then it hit me, no lower body. What IS she doing with her hands under there???
"...because reasons" is my favorite saying of hipsterdom. Or whichever whippersnapper demographic popularized it.
BTW, Jen, I don't know if you're familiar with Happy Place's Downton Abbey via Facebook column, but there was a subtle wink to you in their Episode 5. They have Isobel submitting Ethel's food to "Soupwrecks.com." (I don't know how to do the fancy linky stuff, but it's showing up in they Popular Now list. If you're a DA fan, you HAVE to check it out!)
That first one would have been a pretty good pun if it was deliberate.
"Rock your world?" As in, "Did you feel the earth move, too."
Also, rock bands have groupies that will hop into their beds at the hint of half an offer. So it works that way too.
The donuts? Subtle it ain't. I wonder if whoever bought the missing two noticed?
The sword? Believe it or not, the best chopping swords had a flared/weighted tip. Though not as phallic as this cake.
I sooooo need a "Like" button for these comments!!
Even donuts won't sleep in the wet spot.
I once lamented that I had no shoes until I saw a woman who had no legs, but she had shoes! Okay, slippers, but still.
#1 Sometimes, a heart-shaped guitar is just a heart-shaped... Technically, it isn't a guitar, because it only has three strings. Hey, I'm a musician -- I notice these things.
#2 One thing about Valentine's day, you learn to appreciate subtlety. By 'appreciate', I of course mean, 'miss dreadfully'.
#3, 4 Speaking of...
#5 W1: "What happened to the frosting? That'll never sell now!"
W2: "They'll never notice. Watch this:" (Grabs piping bag) "We just put an 'e' on the end, and..."
W1: "Amazing!"
W2: "They don't call me 'manager' just 'cause my dad owns the store."
#6 If that frog turns into a prince, species isn't the only thing that changes.
#7 The slippers are also problematic. I wouldn't think they're Barbie's, because of the whole Barbie question. (Ba-Dup.) If they're Ken's, well, let's just say the rumors never quite go away, do they. But the main problem is the way they're pointing.
#8 Ice cream cake: +50. Fresh strawberries: +10 (It's a scientific fact that ice cream cake is five times more awesome than fresh strawberries.) Abbreviating Valentine's Day: -1,000. Final score: -940. Now, to be fair, the guy who ordered this was probably laughing right up to the moment he showed it to her. By the end of the second week sleeping in the garage, it didn't seem quite as funny, but it still elicited the odd chuckle.
Woo-hoo!! Someone else makes a leap from a Valentine cake to Jeremy Renner. My day is made.
At first glance I thought the sword one said "free love". Well, I guess that would make more sense.
75% off Day after chocolate is my favorite holiday. Then I can totally buy what I want and not feel guilty about it. @Sharyn, you continue to amaze.
@Haiku Joy, I'm so glad you're still here and your students haven't hidden you in a closet somewhere :-)
@Craig ~ Valentine's Day = The one day a year that makes it glaringly obvious who is single (for whatever reason) and who isn't.
Jen ~ You know by now that when you tell us NOT to mention something that just makes it pretty much all we can focus on, right? Although I'm pretty impressed that nobody has actually gone there yet.
Those frog cookies... it's really the "toes" that make it for me.. they're like tiny little patches of prickly, man-scaped hairs... O_o;;
that is one cute frog.
Do not speak too soon, Jodee! I'm handing back the first round of final drafts next week.
To Barbie:
O, dear Barbie,
I would love you more so,
If only you had
All your torso....
Ken
To Ken:
O, dear Ken,
My love you could purloin,
If you only had
A real groin....
Barbie
I'm reading all these VD jokes and then I wondered, "What about the Victory Day in WWII? Did they go around with VD signs?! But I googled it and found they called it V-E Day when we beat Hitler and V-J Day when we beat Japan, so no double-entendres there... There is a V-Day movement to end violence against women & children, but again it's V-Day, not V-D, so, thankfully, a no go there...
And I fourth the motion that 75% off Chocolate Day on Feb 15th is a better holiday. I used to hit the department stores and stock up on Godiva! But now my mall (every mall?) has a Godiva store & they *don't* have a 75% off Chocolate Day - bunch of Turkeys! :-( At least I can still get those Eggs on sale after Easter. One year I was still eating them in October! :-)
@Craig - 3 little words....FIX. THE. BUNKER!!!! (See yesterday's post for details)
That is all...
YAY!!! I'm so glad you made it out safe @KarateLady! I tried to send @Craig in after you but he may have gotten distracted by all the King Cake confetti...
Is it just me, or does the frog "prince" look like it's holding up a giant pair of three nippled knockers (its feet look like hands)? O_o What has been seen this day cannot be unseen. >_<
I know I am very tired tonight, but I just don't get what a sword (the weapon kind) has to do with love or Valentine's Day. Hmmmmm. . . .
Barbie is bringing back memories of the horse-head-in-the-bed scene in "The Godfather." (Shudder)
Ah, Cake Wrecks. I can always rely on you to supply me with a never-ending proliferation of creative euphemisms to use on my husband. (Me: "Hey, bebeh...wanna show me your frog cookie?" Him: "My...what???")
@Craig (heavy sigh) I would expect you, as a froody dude, to have recognized the triple stringed gitar played by Disaster Area's bassist on their mega-ultra-smash hit "Eccentrica Gallumbits Has 3 Too."
(tee hee)
@Jodee - Yep, I think Craig was *very* distracted by the confetti. And the masks, and the feathers, and maybe the computer wouldn't let him in, either. ;-)
@Haiku Joy - sounds like it's time for Andrea & I to synchronize our watches & come after you in a week or two. Hey Andrea - synch in 3...2...1...Mark!
@SirLaughsalot - <GRIN> and hee,hee, giggle, giggle...etc. :-) Will you be starring in Spamalot, per chance? It's coming here to Houston (my hometown) in a month or two...
@TLC - Barbie and the Mob?! Wow. Just wow. :-)
PS to Craig - Only *Rocky Road* ice cream tops fresh strawberries in my book...Just sayin'.
PPS to All the Above + Jen & Sharyn & SuBee, etc. - Excellent, As Always!!! :-)