Two Steps Forward And Three Wrecks Back
May 24, 2012 When I first took up arms against the dreaded cupcake cake [patooie!] so many years ago, I never dreamed I would have such an impact on our nation's baked goods. Why, with the help of you readers, I've managed to rip back the curtain of Big Frosting's corporate deception and ineptitude, and reveal the fuzzy, sugar-crusted, frosting-smeared private parts of inhuman indecency.
;)
INHUMAN INDECENCY.
After years of our virtual spitting and no-holds-barred, blistering mockery, I'm happy to report that bakeries have finally begun changing their evil CCC ways.
Granted, it's to stuff that's way worse, but still. Let's focus on the positive here.
For example, this is NOT a cupcake cake:
;)
It's a "baked mountain." Or BM, for short.
Now, is it even messier than a CCC - something they said could never be done?
Yes.
Is it repulsive enough to have been assembled by a drunken yak?
Yes. Is it STILL not enough frosting?
HECK YEAH!
I MEAN, NO. I MEAN, YES, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FROSTING.
(THAT WAS A VERY HARD QUESTION TO ANSWER WITH A SIMPLE YES OR NO.)
Ahem.
Enter the "Brownie Dipper."
;)
It's a quart of frosting with a dash of sprinkles and brownie bites mixed in.
COWER AND WEEP, YE INSOLENT MASSES!
COWER... AND WEEP!
Because a brownie without frosting is like stick butter that hasn't been deep fried.
And also: 'MURRICA!
Now, I don't know about you, but I often think back to my poor, deprived childhood, back when gingerbread cookies didn't come with a half-inch layer of buttercream and freakish plastic flotsam heads.
;)
I'm actually tearing up a little.
But you're probably wondering, "Gee, Jen, what ELSE could bakers cram together and cover in enough frosting to make my pancreas self-implode from mere proximity?"
I'm glad you asked.
How about cinnamon buns?
;)
...shaped like the Lombardi trophy?
Um...
Hang on a sec.
[googling "Lombardi Trophy"]
Ah.
BWAHAHAHAAAA!!!
(P.S. - I know nothing about sports, but even *I* can tell that thing is a puddle of Terminator.)
Still, those buns have a few frosting-free spots on them. Can't have that, now, can we?
;)
Say hello to my new favorite pyramid scheme!
I'd also like to note that this Baked Mountain is really living up to its initials.
Still, you know what we really REALLY need? Donuts...in the shape of a dragon. With bacon. And more frosting. And more bacon. And a creepy skeleton wedding topper.
Yeah. That would be pretty epic, alright.
[whistling innocently]
;)
On the one hand, I am deeply ashamed that this exists in our society today.
On the other...
DIBS ON THE TAIL.
Thanks to Kelly M., Bethany T., Jenn B., Kimberly, Karen F., and Tim & Angella D. for revealing my secret shame.
Reader Comments (113)
I don't get it. Yeah, they are ugly but your post seems to imply that there can be too much frosting.
THERE IS NEVER TOO MUCH FROSTING.
Is that a severed finger with the dragon?
This morning "Opposites Attract" was playing in the drugstore. I finally mange to get the "2 steps forward" part out of my head and then I see the title for this blog post. I don't know why you're conspiring with my local drugstore to drive me insane, but please stop it!
Sweet Jesus. Where do they get the ideas for these things? However, that donut mountain would probably be a huge hit in my office --- but we've got grad students, and they eat anything.
At least the clown thingy has a smile on it,.. the rest yuck. I'm not sure about the silver spray paint on the "trophy" either.
Bacon. On a cake? As somebody once said "Makes your arteries go *CLANG* just by looking at it."
I am going on the theory that someone took a trip to a "real" bakery , saw a croquembouche and tried to recreate it, not understanding what it was meant to be.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Croquembouche
I would totally eat that dragon. Mmmmmm, bacon! The rest, not so much. Because, yes, there can be too much frosting. Especially store frosting, which is made with shortening and is nasty. Mmmmmm, baaaaaacooooonnnnnnn.... (I haven't had breakfast yet; can you tell?)
I see nothing wrong with the donut pile. I am also intrigued by the brownie dipper... (says the 8-months pregnant lady)
I just fell into a diabetic coma, just by looking at them.
The Terminator myst be storred in a liquid metal container pronto.
Ew Frosting EWWWWWW
The last one somehow reminded me of Trogdor Though I don't think Strongbad would approve :/
Is that bacon with PEANUT BUTTER ON THE TAIL?!? .....Would you consider sharing the tail and a side order of angioplasty?
Is that dragon covered in peanut butter? I could swear that's a PBB (peanut butter+bacon) Dragon!
Thanks for the Lombardi Trophy link. I had no idea. Bonus: one of the images was of a "cake" http://www.whosay.com/darrenrovell/photos/125488
Ewwwwww.......and ewwwww again. Rinse and repeat.......
Despite its serious lack of icing, this seems to go along with today's post (thanks for the link, this made me oddly happy to see).
https://www.ticketsolutions.com/blogs/intentional-foul/images/bacombarditrophy.jpg
Jen, you have made my day! I have always wanted to be an insolent mass, and now I are one!
And now, with apologies to Keats, Ode on a Grecian Dragon
Thou still unravish'd bride of baked goods,
Thou foster-child of dough and frosting,
Chinese wreckerator, who canst thus express
A dragon tail more sweetly yet accosting:
What bacon-fring'd legend haunt about thy shape
Of deities or mortals, or of both,
In temple or the dales of chapel?
What bride and groom are these? What couple loth?
What mad doughnut? What black squiggle to escape?
What piping of squiggles? What wild ecstasy?
Tasted dragons are sweet, but those un-iced
Are sweeter: therefore, ye bridesmaids, eat on;
Not to the sensual tongue, pulled, not sliced,
Pipe the black squiggle across the pink glaze:
Fair scales, atop doughnuts, thou canst not leave
Thy "cake," nor ever thy baconly ways;
Bold lover, never, mandible canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the cone - yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though bones belie thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou stun, and bones be bare!
O dragon shape! Fierce attitude! with glaze
Of skeletal man and maiden overwrought,
With doughnut body doth induce malaise;
Thou, grotesque form, dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: Cold Baked Monster!
When old age shall this confection mold,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, enemy to man, to whom foretold,
"Ugly is real, real ugly," - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
Can't... type... arteries... clogging.... while ... reading.... heart .... atta....................
I think that dragon is maple bars with bacon. mmmmm....bacon.....
I honestly read Brownie Dipper as Brownie Diaper at first. Still kinda works.
Jen, you need to hit Voodoo Doughnuts in Portland, Oregon. We went there when we were on vacation because my hubby wanted the famous bacon doughnut (maple bar with bacon on it) and it was surprisingly good. The other one he had was a basic round with icing and a large handful of froot loops. I contented myself with a basic doughnut covered in crushed oreos and peanut butter. Very good but also very wrecky-looking...and you would love the names they come up with for their creations!
www.voodoodoughnut.com
I think the dragon looks like maple frosted and vanilla frosted donuts... with bacon.
YES NAO PLZ. K THX.
Everything else kinda makes me wanna ralph... especially the brownie dipper. I'm not sure what would be worse, if the middle is brownies or frosting.
Is that last one from Voodoo Doughnuts? If so, it kind of makes sense to have the little skeletons (they do voodoo weddings) and they make a maple-bacon doughut that is actually really awesome.
That last photo of the dragon (and its description) almost made me lose my breakfast. I'm 7 months pregnant, but still!
Although I can't see if the box is pink or not, so there's no way to be sure, that dragon HAS to come from Voodoo Donuts in Portland. It looks like it's made of Bacon Maple Bars, which are incredibly tasty. Because, bacon.
I read Brownie DIAPER at first. Which isn't far off. Maybe for a baby PBB dragon.
@ JEANETTE: Not only was one of the images made of a cake, but of a cake covered with BACON!
As much as I love frosting, for the love god WHO THINKS OF THESE?!?!?!?! D:
I have a sneaking feeling that the dragon came from VOODOO DOUGHNUTS in Portland, Oregon..>They have had such wonderful creations as bacon maple, captain crunch berry, and the "Memphis Mafia"...
'A puddle of Terminator"... snicker... giggle... snort... titter... guffaw..... (blinkblink).... BWA, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhAHAHAAHAHahAHAHAHahHAhahAHAhahA...
Why do I think you've come up with the title for the next Train album?
Despite having read this blog forever, I thought you were making up the bacon dragon. Then I scrolled down. O.O
A clown, a princess, a turkey, and Elmo? Must flee.
There may indeed be no such thing as too much Buttercream icing, but there is definitely such a thing as too much "Buttercream" icing. That horrid stuff made with shortening - ick.
Sung To Feelings (with my deepest apologies – I loathe this song, but it fit…)
Frosting, pile on more frosting
Such INHUMAN INDECENCY, with frosting we love
Smearplops rolling down my cupcakes
Frosting covers best when dropped from above
Frosting, so much I’m diabetic
One more Baked Mountain and I’ll hurl
I’ll Never Eat Again
Frosting, wo-o-o frosting
So-o much frosting, I can’t feel my arms…
Frosting, wonder if I should have tossed you
The Brownie Dipper made me have two
Sharp pains in my heart
Frosting, gingerbread buried in it
I ate the silver cinna-swirl
Call 911 again!
Frosting, at the pyramid I lost it
That dragon is… is… Is that bacon?
I might just have a slice…
Frosting, wo-o-o frosting
So-o much frosting, it’s raising alarms
Frosting…
@Craig – Uh, Craig, Theardare called. He requested this song -- for you – and asked if I knew the words to Copacabana. Then he muttered something about Room 101 and World Domination and hung up. Is everything OK?
Except for pinhead clown, which is just creepy, and the Lombardi Trophy, which I saw as something else (maybe because I went to the urologist yesterday), I see wonderous messy treats, crying out for ice cream... ideal for a holiday week-end...and a second coronry stent.... And I just know there's a Stevie Nicks comment somewhere in that dragon mess...like, stop dragon, stop dragon my bacon around.... naw...I'll leave it to the professional....
@Sharyn --- re Wisconsin: last night on Jimmy Fallon there was a girl from Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and, ironically, that's where I grew up...
@ Barbara Anne -- as far as I'm concerned, you're an honorary Wisconsinite...
The dragon is from Oregon's own VooDoo Doughnuts. They do wedding stuff too (which is what this must have been for). I can tell it theirs because a) the maple-bacon bar flavor, on of their specialties, and b) the "Blunt" doughnut seen next to the dragon.
Look 'em up. They're a hilarious bunch.
Someone else used to say "Let's focus on the positive" a lot, and you got rid of her...
The dragon wedding donuts look like a Voodoo Donuts (Portland OR) creation. They are known for their bacon-topped maple bars as well as for being a fun and inexpensive wedding venue. Go Voodoo Donuts!!
The unfortunate-looking Lombardi trophy buns reminded me of the Metalocalypse episode where they frosted a cake with mercury, accidentally poisoning the party guests.
I don't have much to add to that accept for it is a mess. lol However, for what ever reason rather than making me sick, I am hungry now. I guess that might be because it is near lunch time. lol
"Dibs on the tail!" ROTFL!!!!
I agree with Lynne. There is NEVER too much frosting! I would eat (ummm...devour) each and every one of those "cakes". The bacon on the doughnut cake is pure genius!
Am I the only one who sees stringy red hair, green eyes, and an agonized screaming orange mouth on that topmost mountain cupcake, as if it had suddenly become aware of its own existance?
I'm pretty sure that dragon is made of bacon maple bars from Voodoo Doughnuts in Portland, OR (http://voodoodoughnut.com/index.php). They also do weddings there. Bacon maple bars are one of the most delicious things ever invented.
I suspect that's actually maple glaze on the dragon, a la Maple Bacon Donughts.
In which case OH MY GOD I want it now.
I'm with Jasry. Yes, there can be too much frosting when it's basically hydrogenated oil (think: plain Crisco) with refined sugar. Oh, and artificial color and flavorings. This. is. not. food.
I think I'd actually rather eat the little plastic doodads. Or severed fingers.
No, actually, I think I'll skip dessert tonight, thanks.
(Waiting for Sharyn's song today. No pressure, Sharyn!!)
The peanut butter is clearly Epcot.
I actually think the clown is kinda cute as far as clowns and CCCs (patooie!) go.
AH the "Brownie Dipper." Anything with that many ingredients HAS to be good for you.
I had some witty comment about the trophy one really being some variation of kings cake, and the tiny headed gingerbread cookies, but the donut dragon has rendered me speechless. OMG, I can't someone would really admit to eating that!!!!
@mel -- We were neighbors. I'm from Wausau.
@Barbara Anne -- What mel said (we were separated at birth, after all...)