Two Steps Forward And Three Wrecks Back
May 24, 2012 When I first took up arms against the dreaded cupcake cake [patooie!] so many years ago, I never dreamed I would have such an impact on our nation's baked goods. Why, with the help of you readers, I've managed to rip back the curtain of Big Frosting's corporate deception and ineptitude, and reveal the fuzzy, sugar-crusted, frosting-smeared private parts of inhuman indecency.
;)
INHUMAN INDECENCY.
After years of our virtual spitting and no-holds-barred, blistering mockery, I'm happy to report that bakeries have finally begun changing their evil CCC ways.
Granted, it's to stuff that's way worse, but still. Let's focus on the positive here.
For example, this is NOT a cupcake cake:
;)
It's a "baked mountain." Or BM, for short.
Now, is it even messier than a CCC - something they said could never be done?
Yes.
Is it repulsive enough to have been assembled by a drunken yak?
Yes. Is it STILL not enough frosting?
HECK YEAH!
I MEAN, NO. I MEAN, YES, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FROSTING.
(THAT WAS A VERY HARD QUESTION TO ANSWER WITH A SIMPLE YES OR NO.)
Ahem.
Enter the "Brownie Dipper."
;)
It's a quart of frosting with a dash of sprinkles and brownie bites mixed in.
COWER AND WEEP, YE INSOLENT MASSES!
COWER... AND WEEP!
Because a brownie without frosting is like stick butter that hasn't been deep fried.
And also: 'MURRICA!
Now, I don't know about you, but I often think back to my poor, deprived childhood, back when gingerbread cookies didn't come with a half-inch layer of buttercream and freakish plastic flotsam heads.
;)
I'm actually tearing up a little.
But you're probably wondering, "Gee, Jen, what ELSE could bakers cram together and cover in enough frosting to make my pancreas self-implode from mere proximity?"
I'm glad you asked.
How about cinnamon buns?
;)
...shaped like the Lombardi trophy?
Um...
Hang on a sec.
[googling "Lombardi Trophy"]
Ah.
BWAHAHAHAAAA!!!
(P.S. - I know nothing about sports, but even *I* can tell that thing is a puddle of Terminator.)
Still, those buns have a few frosting-free spots on them. Can't have that, now, can we?
;)
Say hello to my new favorite pyramid scheme!
I'd also like to note that this Baked Mountain is really living up to its initials.
Still, you know what we really REALLY need? Donuts...in the shape of a dragon. With bacon. And more frosting. And more bacon. And a creepy skeleton wedding topper.
Yeah. That would be pretty epic, alright.
[whistling innocently]
;)
On the one hand, I am deeply ashamed that this exists in our society today.
On the other...
DIBS ON THE TAIL.
Thanks to Kelly M., Bethany T., Jenn B., Kimberly, Karen F., and Tim & Angella D. for revealing my secret shame.
Reader Comments (113)
Um, do people really eat bacon with donuts? Oh wow...
I wish I could include a picture of my facial expression while reading this post because there are no words...
@mel - bacon-flavored stars to you for knowing before I did that the poem was ripe for parody! Give my regards to Iowa, and if you have a chance, change the M and S on their welcome sign to B and C. I bet their tourism revenues would increase. :-)
@Sharyn - I would gladly gather 'round the piano in the lounge and tearfully join in on the chorus… Froooooooosting, wo, woah, woe! "Smearplops" is an excellent word. I think we should all make an effort to use it enough that it makes it into next year's edition of Webster's.
@TLC - my sympathies on your disappointment with the lying software. I hope you are now fortified enough with laughter to overcome the situation!
Jen, you crack me up SO MUCH! your sense of humor is priceless.
@DB: Thanks for the sympathies! Fortunately, thanks to 2 very quick responses from tech support, most of the problems are solved. They will tweak the last one Monday. So the work, wine and laughter were not for naught!
Pyramid scheme
goes well . . . until hits bottom.
Pass up the pastries.
@ Sharyn: I am still laughing weeks later at the line in your song, "I demand the top bunk" and thought that you could not top that for hilarious subtlety.
But "Smearplops rolling down my cupcakes" is truly genius. EVIL genius to be sure. But also the funniest thing I've read since, well, since your take on "Frere Jacques." Especially because I DESPISE the song "Feelings" with every atom of my being . . . and now, thanks to you, the curse is off of it. There's no way it can disturb me now because all I'll have to do is think of "smearplops."
My stomach hurts from laughing. Which is better than eating any of the cakes shown today.
SMEARPLOPS!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA hahahahahahahahahah
I have never seen too much frosting and I used to open the large buckets when I was a decorator.
I need that Brownie Dipper in the worst possible way. After the week I’ve had I deserve several of them. Please advise what store sells those mounds of awesomeness.
I want the dragon’s head- but only to look at as I don’t like either PB or maple with bacon. I don’t mix bacon and sweets (yes, I know I should shave my head in shame and leave town- not happening). I also prefer turkey bacon to pork bacon. Don't judge me- it crisps so beautifully in the microwave.
@Craig I have a new punishment for “bakers.” We need to train one of the DOC ninja squads as tattoo artists and they can put the last line of DB’s poem on the foreheads of the worst offenders:
When old age shall this confection mold,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, enemy to man, to whom foretold,
"Ugly is real, real ugly," - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
@Sharyn “Feelings” oh, that was low!!
@mel, thanks so much, sir! : )
@Sharyn & DB - Fantastic!!! (as always!)
PS to Sharyn - What? Theardare has Craig?! We gotta help him!!! [suits up, puts on repelling gear, snatches throwing stars & nun-chuks]
Who's with me? Anybody? Hello? [crickets chirp in response...]
Sharyn, what ever you do, *don't* give Theardare the words to Copacabana! It could mean the difference between life & death!!
[sprints off into the darkness...]
Just a quick note in case someone else hadn't mentioned it... Referring to the VooDoo Doughnut Dragon. I live in Portland, Oregon and can tell you that the "thing" coming out of the dragon's mouth is supposed to be a doughnut in the shape of something that rhymes with 'point.' That dragon tharrr he is a-smokin' sumthin! Probably gots da munchies! :)
HAHAHA. My two year old is sitting here with me (avoiding bedtime). When I got to the doughnut Baked Mountain she said "Eewww, that really gross! That poops!"
Yah, the dragon is from Voodoo, the cone on the side is their "Blazin Blunt" and the rest is reminicent of their maple bacon bars. Cheers!
Dragon Doughnut! I want one! Just put the bacon on the side please.